Coming of Age
by Deep Metal
Summary: What sort of life awaits Beavis and Butthead after graduation? Will they find the meaning of life? Will they be able to defeat a deadly enemy from the past who stands for all that does suck? Will they finally discover what it takes to be a man?
1. The Future is Forsaken

**Coming of Age**

**_Disclaimer_:** Beavis and Butt-head belong to Mike Judge and MTV. Take a deep breath and tell yourself that this is only fanfiction.

**_Author's Note_:** I figured that since time passed by in Daria's show, time must have also gone by in the world of Beavis and Butt-head. This story will be based on my interpretations as to what happened to the duo when they're faced with graduation and a life after high school. Think of this as a special coming-of-age story for Beavis and Butt-head who are faced with even greater challenges into adulthood. Huh huh huh… I said _adulthood._

_Act I – The Future is Forsaken_

"Class," Van Driessen wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm so very proud of you."

"Uh, huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Van Driessen's a wuss!"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis agreed. "He needs to, like, stop crying and be a man or something."

"I've been accustomed to your faces for the past four years," Van Driessen continued. "But now the time has come for you to face the final test of manhood and womanhood!"

"Uh… Beavis failed that test!" Butt-head interrupted. "He doesn't count!"

"In just a few days, your graduation will be for real," Van Driessen sniffed. "I can't believe it's coming so soon."

"Yeah!" Beavis smiled. "We're finally gonna graduate!"

"This is the greatest moment of my life," Butt-head said silently. "Who knows what strange and wondrous things await us in our lives after school."

"Chicks!" Beavis slammed his hands on his desk. "There's gonna be tons of chicks!"

"Yeah, for me!" Butt-head told his blonde companion. "You're still never gonna get any!"

"Oh yeah?" Beavis shot back. "Well you haven't gotten any either!"

"Boys, I'd like to talk with the two of you after class," Van Driessen looked up.

"Look what you did, butthole!" Beavis glared at Butt-head. "Now Van Driessen's gonna make us stay after class!"

"Aw, don't worry about it guys," Stewart told them. "I'm sure he just wants to help."

"Who asked you, Stewart?" Butt-head grimaced.

It was at that moment that the bell rang, releasing all the students from class, excluding Beavis and Butt-head. Van Driessen walked over to the two with a touch of concern in his eyes.

"Beavis, Butt-head," Van Driessen began. "Right now, I'm very concerned about your futures."

"Uh, you don't need to, like, worry, dude," Butt-head reassured his hippie teacher. "We're gonna, like, get rich or something."

"Butt-head, that's exactly the problem," Van Driessen sighed. "I don't think you and Beavis will be equipped with the proper life skills to face the world after you graduate."

"Um, what are life skills?" Beavis asked.

"The expertise required for you to function as contributive members of society," Van Driessen explained. "Right now, the two of you don't have the necessary people skills to obtain a better job for yourselves. You barely passed the AP classes you were in with me."

"Uh, we can just live off Beavis's mom," remarked Butt-head. "She, like, makes enough money from her night shift."

"Hmm, interesting," Van Driessen nodded. "What does your mom do, Beavis?"

"Beavis's mom is a slut!" Butt-head answered before Beavis could.

"Oh my…" Van Driessen whispered. "Beavis, how often do you see your mother?"

"Um…" Beavis scratched his head. "I dunno."

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "Van Driessen wants to make out with your mom!"

"No, no," Van Driessen shook his head. "That's not what I was getting at."

"Huh huh huh huh huh!" Butt-head continued laughing. "Better tell your mom Woodstock's back in town!"

"Guys," Van Driessen pleaded. "Don't you two have any plans for college?"

"Uh yeah," Beavis replied. "We wanna go to Harvard!"

"Beavis, with the kind of grades you've made, I don't think you'll be able to make it in," Van Driessen said truthfully. "Besides, have either of your turned in any applications to local colleges?'

"Uh, applications?" Butt-head raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, applications," Van Driessen sighed. "You're normally required to send in applications to your colleges of choice along with at least two teacher's recommendations and your academic transcripts."

"No way!" Butt-head protested. "We don't want to do paperwork! Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, paperwork sucks!" Beavis agreed. "Heh heh heh!"

Van Driessen looked at the time. As much as he would have liked to stay and continue talking with his two students, he had to let them go or else they'd be late for their next class. With a heavy heart, he sighed and decided to do what was best under the circumstances.

"Tell you what," Van Driessen promised. "I'm willing to write you two a letter of recommendation for the colleges of your choice. Just come by after summer is over and I'll see what I can do."

* * *

"Hi guys," Dean gestured for Beavis and Butt-head to join him at the table. "Are you going to Kimberly's party?"

Dean was sitting with Stewart and Cassandra. Together, the three of them had been hanging out ever since their Junior year. Their personalities complemented each other perfectly as far as Beavis and Butt-head were concerned. However, because Butt-head had long wanted to get into Cassandra's pants, he and Beavis put up with hanging around Stewart's group.

"Kimberly's having a party?" Beavis scratched his head. "How come we didn't know that?"

"That's strange," Stewart commented. "She told everyone at school."

All things considered, Butt-head wanted to get into Kimberly's pants far more than he did Cassandra's. Beavis was also in the same boat.

"Uh, let's go ask her or something," Butt-head recommended. "Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Okay," Beavis agreed.

"Where do you plan to go after high school is over?" Cassandra asked.

"Uh… we're going to college," Butt-head answered nonchalantly.

"Cool," Dean exclaimed. "Where at?"

"We're going to Harvard!" Beavis cried. "Heh heh heh…"

"Beavis, you butthole!" Butt-head smacked his blonde companion. "Harvard's got too much homework! We're going to that other place!"

"What other place?" asked Stewart. "Princeton? Yale?"

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head replied. "We're going to Princeton."

"Whoa, that's so cool, guys!" Stewart smiled. "I bet you're going to get a really good education there!"

"Yeah," Beavis chuckled. "We're gonna score in college! Heh heh heh heh!"

"Just ignore Beavis," Butt-head recommended. "He's never gonna score!"

"Shut up, Butt-head!"

"Beavis, just because your mom does it all the time doesn't mean you're going to! Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"I'll kick your ass if you don't shut up!"

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?"

"Uh oh," Butt-head whispered. "It's Buzzcut!"

"Starting a fight in a school cafeteria?" Buzzcut demanded. "I want to see you two in the Principal's office right now!"

* * *

"You know something?" Principal McVicker downed the last of his pills. "I've been meaning to have this talk with you for a long time! Uhhhhh!"

"Check it out, Beavis!" Butt-head pointed out. "McVicker's only got one hair left! Uh huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "He's almost bald now!"

"And it's all thanks to you little bastards!" McVicker accused. "You're the one who did this to me!"

"Uh, don't blame us just 'cause you're old!" Butt-head retorted.

"Yeah," Beavis concurred. "Maybe if you'd spent, like, more time teaching instead of drinking, you'd, like, feel better or something."

"You shut your mouth!" McVicker ordered. "Don't you dare backtalk your Principal!"

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head turned his head. "He wants to see your _back_!"

"No way!" Beavis protested. "If he tries to touch my backside, I'll kick him in the old saggy nads!"

"Oh dear God…" McVicker groaned. "How did I ever end up with students like these into my old age?"

"Uh huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "You're old…"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "He's gonna need those diapers for old people pretty soon!"

Principal McVicker's breathing deepened. After inhaling and exhaling several times, he seemed to visibly relax. All four years of having to deal with Beavis and Butt-head had taken their toll on him. The gray hair on his head had disappeared completely by the end of their senior year. His nerves were more wracked than ever and it didn't help either that his voice sounded even more strained than before.

"You know what?" McVicker finally said. "It's alright really."

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head added. "We're gonna score in college!"

"In only a few days you'll graduate and leave Highland High for good!" McVicker rasped. "I've been waiting for this day since you two set foot in my halls!"

"Yeah, we're gonna graduate!" Butt-head reinforced. "Huh huh huh!"

"We're finally gonna leave this dump for good!" Beavis cackled. "Heh heh heh m heh!"

"Normally, students who do this bad have to stay and repeat their grades," McVicker explained. "But I'm making an exception for you two considering I want to get you little bastards the hell out of my school for good!"

"High school really sucked!" Butt-head remarked. "It's, like, McVicker's always making it suck!"

"Yeah, and Buzzcut too!" Beavis interjected.

"G-Get the hell out of my office, NOW!" McVicker howled. "Uhhhhh! Uhhhhhhh!"

* * *

As soon as school was over, Beavis and Butt-head found themselves back where they had spent their entire lives, right back home watching TV.

"Things have changed, Beavis," Butt-head stated. "Things have changed."

"Yeah," Beavis agreed. "Todd's still not out of jail yet."

"And these new music videos suck!"

"Who the hell are these people? This sucks, Butt-head! Change it!"

"Uh, okay."

After flipping through several channels, Butt-head settled on a news interview being conducted between Betsy Wiener and what appeared to be Gus Baker.

"Do we know this guy?" Beavis squinted his eyes.

"Uh, I think you showed this guy your butt before!" Butt-head replied.

"Whoa, heh heh! Cool!"

"And how, may I ask, will your new bid for power turn out?" Betsy Wiener asked.

"First of all, Betsy," Gus Baker answered. "There is no insincere bid for anything. Years ago, when my talk-show program was ruined by two hoodlums, I had to undergo a spiritual discovery of faith to regain my morality."

"But some people are already muttering," Betsy countered. "That your new image is just a farce to garner grassroot support amongst an audience you once lost."

"And I can assure you it is not!" Baker countered. "America is a nation known for giving people second chances. When I first got those two boys onto my show, I had no idea how they'd turn out. Judging from what they had said before, I was fooled into believing that they were nice, morally sound kids. But that was all in the past. What I wish to do is concentrate on this great country's future!"

"Uh, what's this dude talking about?" Butt-head scratched his side.

"I think he's talking about your mom, heh heh heh!"

"Shut up, dillweed!"

"Um, okay."

"I bet this guy made out with your mom!"

"Yup, heh heh heh!"

"Now that our interview is coming to an end," Betsy Wiener concluded. "Is there anything else you'd like to say to our audience? Any final words?"

"As a matter of fact, there is something I'd like to say," Gus Baker puffed his chest out. "To the youth of America, I say to you right now… your immoral and indecent ways will come to an end! Enjoy your music videos and your skimpy clothing while you can! Once my boys in Congress realize how much of a mockery to common decency you are, they'll do everything in their power to draft a bill to defeat your ignominious ways!"

"Thank you, Mr. Baker," Betsy Wiener finished.

"You hear that!" Baker yelled as the show went off the air. "I'll put the fear of God into you heathens!"

"What's he saying, Butt-head?" Beavis asked.

"I think he's saying he wants to, like, stop us from seeing naked chicks and music videos or something."

"Cool, heh heh!" Beavis commented. "Music videos suck! They suck!"

"Beavis, you dumbass!" Butt-head scolded. "Once this guy becomes president, we'll, like, never see a naked chick again!"

"Whoa, that sucks!" Beavis frowned. "Um, wait a minute. This guy's running for President?"

"Uh, I think so," Butt-head replied flippantly.

"What're we gonna do, damn it?"

"Uhhh…."

"I mean, we're never gonna score if he runs!"

"Uhhhhhhh….."

"This sucks, Butt-head! This really sucks!"

"Uhhhhhhhhhhh…."

"And in today's news, protestors have arrived in droves to protest the current Bush Administration," the news anchor reported on their TV. "Over several thousand protestors were seen outside the capital today."

"Heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "_Bush_…"

"Uhhhhh…" Butt-head stared into the TV while an idea formulated in his head.

"Um, isn't that other guy's name _Dick_?" Beavis wondered aloud.

"Whoa, I got it!" Butt-head announced.

"Got what, Butt-head?"

"We're going to Washington, DC."

"For what?"

"We're gonna, like, protest that Gus Baker dude or something."

"Heh heh heh, you're pretty smart, Butt-head."

"Then we'll kick his ass for saying chicks can't show us their thingies!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Beavis cried. "We'll kick his ass!"

"Beavis," Butt-head looked at his companion. "I think I've found a new calling in life."

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "Me too!"

"Pack your bags, Beavis," Butt-head ordered. "We're going back to DC!"

Before either of them could bolt for the door, an idea came to Beavis's mind.

"Wait a minute," Beavis frowned. "Aren't we supposed to, like, graduate first or something?"

"Uh, oh yeah!" Butt-head realized.

"Graduation kicks ass! Heh heh heh!"

"We're gonna graduate. Uh, huh huh huh!"

_To be continued._


	2. Highland Alumni

Coming of Age

**Author's Note: **Principal Brown was the elementary school principal in the _Held Back_ episode where B&B were sent back to middle school and below. Tammy is just some random prostitute I made up for McVicker to sleep with.

Act II – Highland Alumni

"Here ya go, Stewart my boy!" McVicker handed over the diploma. "You may have had poor taste in friends, but you always were one of my better students!"

"Thanks Principal McVicker!" Stewart took the diploma and walked off.

After Stewart walked off the stage, Principal McVicker's heart rate blared up again as soon as he saw the next two students in line to receive their diplomas. This was the instant he had been dreading for so long. Nothing, not even his pills and alcohol, could have prepared him for this moment.

"Uh, give us our diplomas, McVicker!" Butt-head ordered.

"Y-You can't talk to me that way!" McVicker protested. "Uhhhhh! I'm still your Principal!"

"Oh yeah?" Butt-head snapped back. "And I'm about to kick you in the nads if you don't graduate me!"

"Uhhhhh! Here you go!" McVicker shoved the diploma into Butt-head's hands. "Now get the hell away from me, you little bastard!"

"That's better, _McDicker_!" Butt-head walked off satisfied.

"G-G-Giving Butt-head his diploma was half the battle," McVicker managed to get out a huff. "Now for Beavis…"

"Hey, how's it going?" Beavis waved as he walked onto the stage.

"After this is over," McVicker whispered. "The nightmare will finally end! Thank God!"

"Damn it, McVicker!" Beavis yelled. "Where's my diploma?"

"H-Here it is!" McVicker passed the piece of paper on to Beavis. "Your hellish rampage in Highland High will finally end!"

"Yeah thanks," Beavis took the diploma. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

Despite his considerable stress, McVicker managed to walk off the stage as Van Driessen took over the microphone. The hippie teacher straightened out his tie before speaking out to the students.

"And right now, let me say how proud I am of you all!" Van Driessen spoke. "You've all grown so much through your four years with myself, Principal McVicker, Coach Buzzcut, and countless teachers here!"

"Huh huh," Butt-head laughed in his seat. "We've _grown_!"

"Yeah, heh heh," Beavis chuckled. "I wonder how much mine's grown?"

"Shut up, Beavis!" Butt-head snapped. "Yours won't even grow by one inch by the time you're old!"

"When you enter into the real world, I want each and every one of you to apply the lessons you've learned in the classroom to college, the workplace, and whatever other fields you may enter into," Van Driessen encouraged. "I've known all of you well enough to know that if you put your minds to it, you can accomplish anything!"

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "I'm gonna _enter into_ Beavis's mom!"

"Shut up, Butt-head!" Beavis retorted. "I'll kick your ass!"

"And in closing," Van Driessen finished. "I'd like to say to you, the graduating class of this year… go out into the world to discover both your destinies and yourselves! Because I believe in you!"

With that, the entire graduating class took off their caps and threw them into the air. Only Beavis and Butt-head remained with their caps and tassels on top of their heads.

"We graduated," Butt-head observed. "This kicks ass!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Beavis cried excitedly. "We can, like, go get drunk now!"

"Sorry guys," Van Driessen walked up to the two. "I'm afraid you can't do that until you're 21."

"Oh," Butt-head muttered disappointedly.

"This sucks!" Beavis cried. "We gotta wait longer now?"

"I'm afraid it's the law," Van Driessen informed them. "Although I will say that even into college, most students tend to ignore that rule."

"Cool!" Butt-head exclaimed. "We can, like, get drunk and break the law at the same time!"

"Yeah!" Beavis sang. "Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!"

Being of a more folk music-oriented background, Van Driessen did not understand the Judas Priest lyrics at all. Instead, he smiled politely and went on with what could possibly be his last conversation with Beavis and Butt-head ever.

"So what do you two plan to do this summer?" Van Driessen asked.

"Uh, we're going to Washington, DC!" Butt-head replied.

"Oh wow," Van Driessen proclaimed. "What for?"

"We're gonna protest!" Beavis replied. "We're gonna, like, march down the streets and hold signs or something!"

"That's wonderful!" Van Driessen smiled. "You know, back when I was in college, I used to take part in anti-war rallies myself!"

"Huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Wuss!"

"Speaking of which," Van Driessen noted. "Dean, Cassandra, and Stewart were supposed to join me this summer on a cross-country trip. I found out just a few minutes ago that Dean couldn't make it. Would the two of you like to join us? And since you said you were planning on making a trip to DC, I figured I could take you there as well."

"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed. "Can we, like, get some nachos for the trip?"

"Mm'kay," Van Driessen agreed. "I want us to have fun on this trip. This may be the last time we can spend some real quality time together before life takes us on different roads."

"Huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Hey Beavis! He wants to spend some _quality time_ with you!"

"No way!" Beavis protested. "Heh heh heh!"

"Wow, you guys are coming with us on our trip?"

"No way, Stewart!" Beavis yelled.

"Just think of the bountiful nature we can observe in America's pristine forests," Cassandra sighed.

"Uh, shut up Beavis!" Butt-head stared at Cassandra. "Of course we'll, like, come on the trip."

"Umm, I thought we didn't wanna go with Stewart," Beavis questioned his ringmaster.

"Don't be a dumbass, Beavis!" Butt-head warned. "We might score on this trip if we, like, do it right!"

"Oh, um… okay," Beavis agreed compliantly.

* * *

"Yeah," McVicker downed another glass of vodka he had hidden in his suit. "I'm just glad it's finally over."

"I know what you mean, sir," Buzzcut nodded. "I remember that time they almost kicked the bucket… that really made my day!"

"From now on, Highland will be free of its infestation!" McVicker laughed. "Maybe now we can finally make some of those improvements to our school!"

"I concur!" Buzzcut consented. "We could use a bigger gym!"

"Better yet!" McVicker drooled. "We could get a new teacher's lounge, complete with free vending machines paid for by the parents' tax dollars!"

"Principal McVicker?" Van Driessen appeared before the balding man. "I was wondering, could we get a picture together?"

"W-What?" McVicker stammered.

"You, me, Coach Buzzcut, Stewart, Cassandra, Beavis, and Butt-head," Van Driessen explained. "One for the memories!"

"Uhhhhh! No way!" McVicker protested."I want those little bastards dead and gone!"

"Come on, Mr. McVicker," Van Driessen pressed. "This may be the last time you ever see any of these students ever again."

"Oh what the hell," Buzzcut finally consented. "This'll probably be the last I ever see of these little demons again."

"Come on, Principal," Van Driessen smiled. "Just put your arms around them. Beavis and Butt-head won't bite."

"But we'll kick you in the nads if you touch us," Beavis guaranteed. In his current state of mind, McVicker did not hear Beavis's threat at all.

"A-Alright," McVicker shrugged. "They'll be out of my life forever after this! It can't hurt…"

* * *

"Damn it, McVicker!" Tammy complained. "What the hell's with you?"

"N-N-Nothing!" McVicker cried. "I've just been stressed out lately!"

"Well stress out about it on your own time," Tammy hissed. "I'm out of here!"

"Y-You can't leave yet!" McVicker protested. "Uhhhhh!"

"My payments?" Tammy held out her hand.

"Fine!" McVicker tossed her the one hundred dollar bill. "Take it and leave you ungrateful whore!"

Tammy took the money and walked out the door just as another chubby, bald man walked onto McVicker's lawn.

"P-Principal Brown! Uhhhhhhh!" McVicker stammered. "What brings you here?"

"Don't sweet talk me, McVicker," Brown told him. "I'm here to discuss with you your stature as Principal of Highland High School."

"What do you mean?" McVicker questioned.

"The school board has looked the other way for long enough," Brown informed him. "But we simply cannot tolerate your incompetence any longer."

"Wait… are you saying—"

"Look at yourself, McVicker!" Brown yelled. "You're a neurotic alcoholic with an addiction to prescription drugs. You've endangered the life of President Clinton when he made a visit to the school. You're often seen outside of local motels with _prostitutes_. You can't even keep the order in your own school. And worst of all, you've let two juvenile delinquents make a fool out of the public school system and dictate the reputation of Highland High for as long as you've been in power!"

"Uhhhh! It's not my fault! UHHHHHHH!"

"I don't want to hear any more of your excuses, McVicker," Principal Brown warned. "The school board expects your resignation by tomorrow. You're through."

As Principal Brown walked away, McVicker dropped to the ground on his knees and began trembling again out of fear. After all this time, he had seen something like this coming because of the irresponsible actions of Beavis and Butt-head. Now, because of them, he was paying the ultimate price.

"Oh no… no!" McVicker moaned. "I've lost my job now thanks to those little bastards!"

Despite himself, Principal McVicker covered his hands over his face and began weeping openly.

"My friend, I am truly sorry for your loss."

"Y-You overheard?" McVicker wiped away the tears.

"I did," the man replied. "And I promise to do everything I can to help you."

"W-Who are you?" McVicker asked.

"My name is Joe Adler, attorney at law," the man replied. "And I see you've lost your job because of two high school delinquents called Beavis and Butt-head, am I correct?"

"Yeah!" McVicker answered. "If I could just wrap my hands around their throats…"

"You may get that chance, Mr. McVicker," Joe Adler promised. "I represent a lobbying group in Congress to create a positive future generation without the corrupting influences of kids like Beavis and Butt-head. Right now, we could use new members."

"Uhhhhhh! Sure thing!" McVicker volunteered eagerly. "I'll do anything for a shot at revenge!"

"Our next meeting will be in town hall two days from now," Joe Adler handed a card to McVicker. "We hope you can show up then."

"Count on it!" McVicker promised and closed the door.

Joe Adler smiled and walked away from the house. As soon as he was a few miles away, he turned on his cell phone for an incoming call.

"So how did it go?" a dark, malevolent voice from the phone rang out.

"Like clockwork," Adler replied. "Your plan worked perfectly. With the emotional state he's in, McVicker will join our cause without question just to bring down those two boys."

"Excellent," the voice boomed. "In due time, we will bring morality and social order back to the youth of America! The deaths of Beavis and Butt-head will only be icing on the cake!"

* * *

"I have to admit," Van Driessen confessed. "This isn't how I expected the picture to turn out."

The picture taken of Beavis and Butt-head, along with their teachers and students, had turned out unexpectedly. It was true that everyone's faces could be seen visibly. But the real problem centered on the fact that Beavis's foot had connected to Principal McVicker's groin just as the camera flashed and took the picture down. Afterwards, McVicker had to be taken home immediately.

"Beavis, was kicking your former Principal there really necessary?" Van Driessen questioned.

"He was trying to touch my wiener!" Beavis yelled. "So I kicked his! Heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "I always knew there was something wrong with McVicker!"

"Just be sure to behave yourselves on this trip," Van Driessen cautioned. "I expect you to be mature young adults now that high school is finished."

"Um, where are we going again?" asked Beavis.

"Let's see," Van Driessen took out his map. "We'll be hitting several locations from the Grand Canyon to Lawndale to New York City to Washington, DC itself."

"Whoa, cool!" Butt-head exclaimed. "We get to, like, see those Asses in the Grand Canyon again!"

"You guys have been there before?" Stewart asked. "Cool!"

"Shut up Stewart!" Beavis pushed past the smaller blonde. "Before we kick your ass!"

"Now Beavis," Van Driessen began. "What did I say about behaving like an adult?"

"Uh, are you sure you want Beavis to act more like his mom?" Butt-head asked.

"No, Butt-head," Van Driessen shook his head. "I don't mean like that."

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head whispered to his partner. "Maybe we'll, like, score before college!"

"Yeah, that'll be cool! Heh heh heh!"

"Let's take this show on the road, shall we?" Van Driessen opened the doors to his van.

* * *

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head turned to his companion. "Remember that time Anderson, like, got arrested?"

"Oh yeah, heh heh!"

"He, like, had some secret weapon or something… and like, he was threatening to blow up the White House."

"Oh my," Van Driessen shuddered. "So that's what Mr. Anderson got arrested for all those years ago?"

"Yeah," Butt-head replied. "Anderson's a messed up old dork!"

"I'm so glad we get to travel together for the summer!" Stewart said excitedly. "Hanging out with my two best friends for this trip is so cool!"

This time, Butt-head chose to ignore Stewart. Rather, he looked towards Cassandra and spoke.

"Uh, hey baby."

"Butt-head, what do you want to accomplish for this trip?" asked Cassandra.

"Uh, I wanna get it on."

"What do you want to do spiritually?" Cassandra rephrased the question. "I want to rediscover the pious side of myself through this vacation!"

"Uh… okay."

"Heh heh heh! Butt-head doesn't know how to talk to chicks!"

"Shut up, Beavis!"

"Make me, buttmunch!"

"I will, dillhole!"

Through the reflective mirror on his hood, Van Driessen could see Butt-head slapping Beavis upside the head. Beavis fought back, however, and struggled with Butt-head as the duo began a vicious slapfight.

"Guys, knock it off, m'kay?" Van Driessen requested. "You might get us into an accident."

Butt-head punched Beavis across the nose before stopping the fight. Beavis muttered to himself angrily as he nursed his wounded spot.

"Look guys," Van Driessen sighed. "It's okay to act this way around me, but when you're in public, please make an effort to behave yourselves."

"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed. "But, like, I can't promise Beavis will behave himself."

"Anyways, let's hear about some of your plans for life after high school," Van Driessen changed the subject. "What do you want to do, Cassandra?"

"I'm attending the University of California in Los Angeles," Cassandra replied. "I plan on becoming an art major so that I may pursue a career in canvas painting."

"UCLA, huh?" Van Driessen steered his van carefully across the road through the conversation. "You've made an excellent choice, Cassandra. You'll find many career opportunities with art in a bustling city like Los Angeles."

"Uh, huh huh huh! _Bustling_…"

"And how about you, Stewart?" Van Driessen asked.

"I'm attending the University of Virginia," Stewart responded with a smile. "I'm going to major in biology."

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!" Butt-head proclaimed. "Stewart's attending the University of _Virgin_ia! Huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, he must've never done it before!" Beavis nodded in compliance with Butt-head. "Heh heh heh heh m heh heh heh!"

"Oh, well," Stewart blushed. "My mom tells me I should save it for marriage."

"And I'd like to save it for your mom, Stewart," Butt-head grinned, his remark going completely over Stewart's head.

"So Beavis, Butt-head," Van Driessen asked. "I know you two plan on taking some time off after high school before applying to a college. What do you two plan on doing before then?"

"Um, we're just gonna, like, work at Burger World and watch TV," Beavis replied.

"Ah, I see," Van Driessen nodded. "I certainly can't fault you for your choice. In fact, many students choose to work for at least a year before applying to a college of their choosing. This way, they'll have saved up on enough money _and_ gotten the proper life skills needed for both their education and the workplace."

"Yeah, then we can, like, apply to Princeton or Yale," Butt-head laughed. "Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Guys, let's be realistic," Van Driessen sighed. "Are you sure you don't want to apply to a college like Highland University where the standards are less… rigorous?"

"No way!" Butt-head stomped his foot to the floor. "We're gonna apply to Yale and that's that, butthole!"

"Yeah!" Beavis concurred. "Then we can, like, join Skull & Bones! Heh heh heh! Those guys must get all the chicks!"

"If it makes you feel better," Van Driessen finally gave in. "Go ahead and apply to those institutions. However, make sure you have solid backup colleges in mind just in case the schools of your choice don't accept you."

"Uh, okay."

"So, like, where're we going next?" asked Beavis.

"Let's see…" Van Driessen took the map out of his glove compartment. "I believe the Grand Canyon is our next stop!"

_To be continued._


	3. Jailbait

**Coming of Age**

_Act III – Jailbait_

Todd took another puff of smoke from his cigarette while his other hand maneuvered the steering wheel on his red sports car. Next to him sat Earl, the other guy called in for the job.

"I gotta say," Todd blew out more smoke. "This was worth getting out of jail for!"

"You said it, man," Earl smiled. "Once Beaver and Buttmunch see us, they'll piss their pants like little girls!"

"I'll be the one who makes 'em scream like girls," Todd bragged. "They'll probably poop their pants too!"

"What're you gonna do with the money after we're done?" Earl asked.

"The usual," Todd shrugged. "Booze… chicks… fast cars…"

"Good idea, man!" Earl complimented.

"What're you gonna do?" Todd asked.

"Get me some new ammo and a new shooter," Earl polished his gun with his sleeve. "My gun's already two years out of date."

"You really oughta watch where you're pointing that thing," Todd glanced at the direction the gun was aimed towards. "It might be loaded."

"Don't worry, hah hah!" Earl chuckled. "I ain't gonna shoot my load just yet!"

"Hahaha!" Todd laughed. "We're gonna have a helluva time!"

* * *

"So, are there any songs you'd like to hear?" Van Driessen asked.

Beavis and Butt-head sat around the blazing campfire in the cool Arizona air with Stewart, Cassandra, and Van Driessen. They had just reached the Grand Canyon just a few hours ago. Unfortunately, tours had ended so Van Driessen decided to set up camp outside.

"Uh, let's hear one that doesn't suck!" Butt-head commanded.

"Yeah, hippie music sucks!" Beavis echoed.

"If I may," Cassandra interjected. "I would like to hear _Blowing in the Wind."_

"Excellent choice, Cassandra," Van Driessen smiled. "I think I'll start off with that!"

"No way!" Butt-head protested. "Play something else!"

"Yeah, play some GWAR, damn it!" Beavis yelled.

"Come on, guys," Van Driessen urged. "Ladies first, mmkay?"

"I'll listen to anything," Stewart announced. "If it's good, I'll listen to it!"

"Shut up, Stewart!" Butt-head ordered. "Your music sucks!"

It was too late. Van Driessen had begun his song.

"_How many roads must a man walk down? Before you call him a man?"_

"Aaaaaahhhh!" Beavis shrieked. "This sucks! Change it!"

* * *

"This must be the place," McVicker opened the door to the meeting.

Inside, he could see quite a few familiar faces. At the end of the table sat the infamous Gus Baker, the talk show personality Beavis had mooned years ago. To his right was Jim the Substitute, one of his teachers who had his back broken back then thanks to a botched attempt at a test of trust involving the duo. There were several other faces McVicker seemed to recall but could not remember as he sat down.

"I welcome you all to this meeting," Gus Baker stood up. "I understand many of you are here for one reason and one reason alone."

"Get to the point!" Mr. Stevenson yelled. "My son is out there with those two hooligans! Who knows what they could do to him!"

"Yes, yes," Baker reassured. "We stand gathered here today for one purpose, the deaths of Beavis and Butt-head!"

"Hooray!" everyone echoed.

"You may have had these boys in your classrooms," Baker spoke with much gusto to his voice. "You may have seen them on the streets! You may have even had them inside your homes because your children were influenced by their deviant ways!"

"Preach on, Brother Baker!" Clark Cobb called out.

"And now that these unholy hellspawn have graduated from high school," Baker continued. "Just think of how they will spread their unholy seed into society itself!"

The mere thought of that was enough to maker everyone shudder, especially Principal McVicker.

"They have remained a constant and credible threat to your precious town of Highland for as long as they've been conceived!" Baker roared. "Will we let them spread their evil into other cities?"

"Hell no!" the crowd shouted.

"Yeah!" McVicker poured himself a glass of whisky as he sat back. "I could really get used to these kind of meetings!"

"Today, in the crowd, we have one man who has been plagued by these two monstrosities for as long as anyone can remember!" Baker looked into the audience. "He is a man of impeccable morals who has been forced to deal with these two juvenile delinquents for years!"

Clark Cobb smiled with an arrogant air about him. As a man of God, he was quite pleased that a good just leader like him was being called out right now by the leader of the program.

"He is none other than Principal McVicker!" Baker looked at the former Highland principal square in the eye.

"W-W-What?" McVicker spilled the drink all over his lap.

"How can this be?" Cobb demanded. "I'm the pastor of this town!"

"Come on up, Mr. McVicker!" Baker welcomed.

Nervously, McVicker walked up to the stage and took Baker's microphone. He glanced out anxiously into the audience. Sure he had experience talking in public with students and parents at pep rallies and whatnot. Here, he was dealing with an entirely new audience.

"I-I just want to say," McVicker spoke loudly. "That because of this group, I have found a new purpose and calling in life!"

The crowd cheered in approval.

"I promise that as a new member of this society, I will do my best to ensure that punks like Beavis and Butt-head no longer threaten decent, hardworking people like you!"

Gus Baker looked at McVicker with support. Now that he had the boys' former principal with him, he would be nearly unstoppable.

* * *

"Aaaaaahhhhh!" Beavis hollered. "It hurts! It hurts!"

"Oh no," Van Driessen reached for his first aid kit. "This isn't good."

"Huh huh, dumbass," Butt-head laughed.

"Are you okay, Beavis?" Stewart asked.

"Um… no, heh heh… aaaaahhhh!"

Unfortunately for Beavis he had gotten an entire hand of cactus pricks due to an unsuccessful attempt at extracting "cactus juice" from some of the nearby cacti. His hand was now covered in blood thanks to his efforts.

"Cassandra, would you help me here?" Van Driessen got the tissues out. "Beavis, what were you trying to do?"

"Oh, um, I was just trying to, like, get some of that cactus juice, sir," Beavis smiled. "Heh heh heh heh…"

"You should be more careful next time, Beavis," Cassandra took Beavis's hand and wrapped the tissue around it.

"Heh heh heh m heh heh!" Beavis stared down at Cassandra's hand. "Thanks!"

Butt-head, meanwhile, was not pleased with the attention Cassandra was giving his companion.

"Maybe we can, like, use Beavis to get some more of that cactus juice," Butt-head suggested.

"I think not," Van Driessen put his foot down. "Beavis is already badly injured. Besides, I'll show you guys the _proper_ methods of obtaining cactus juice later."

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "You said _juice…_"

"The desert has a strange, otherworldly beauty of its own," Cassandra remarked. "We should explore as much of the Grand Canyon as possible."

"I agree," Van Driessen nodded. "After all, we came here to get away from modern conveniences such as TV and internet."

"No way!" Butt-head frowned. "TV's better than all this crap!"

"Think we'll see any coyotes out here, Mr. Van Driessen?" Stewart asked.

"Hopefully," Van Driessen helped Beavis back to his feet. "The desert boosts a vast and complex ecosystem."

As the journey continued, Van Driessen decided to strike up another conversation with his former students.

"So how do you guys feel now that high school is over and you're finally ready to make your way into the world?"

"I'm ready for whatever life throws at me!" Stewart exclaimed. "I'm going to make it big as a scientist!"

"Huh huh! _Make it big_…"

"I feel that the last four years of high school were a good learning experience," Cassandra nodded. "I learned to deal with the issues of peer pressure, drugs, and doing something worthwhile in the art club."

"Huh huh! Drugs…"

"Speaking of which," Van Driessen told them. "I hope you've all sworn off drugs at this point in your life. Luckily for me, I had given up on that stuff before it could truly affect me in negative ways."

"I'm clean," Stewart smiled. "My mom tells me never to do those things."

"I tried experimenting with marijuana for a few months in my junior year," Cassandra acknowledged. "I've given it up since."

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh m heh!"

"Guys, I hope you've never gotten into those things," Van Driessen looked at Beavis and Butt-head anxiously.

"Heh heh heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Guys, I'm serious," Van Driessen crossed his arms. "Mmkay?"

"Uh, Beavis has never done it," Butt-head told his teacher. "But I've, like, smoked ten packs of cigarettes in a day."

"Butt-head, are you telling the truth?" Van Driessen asked suspiciously.

"No way, Butt-head hasn't done it either!" Beavis confirmed.

"Shut up, Beavis! At least I didn't burn my fingers trying to turn that paper airplane into a cigar!"

"Oh yeah? Well at least I tried making a cigar, butthole!"

"You could have gotten hurt, Beavis," Cassandra said with a hint of concern in her voice.

"Yeah, well," Beavis muttered and smiled. "It was worth it. Heh heh heh!"

"Wow, you guys are so cool!" Stewart laughed.

"Guys, I hope the thought of smoking never enters into your minds again," Van Driessen put his hand on Butt-head's shoulder.

"Uh, it will," Butt-head promised. "Huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "We're gonna get high! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Shut up, Beavis! I'm gonna get high! You're never gonna smoke!"

"I will too, dillweed!"

"Will not!"

"Will too!"

"Guys, knock it off, alright?" Van Driessen requested.

"That's right, girls," a voice behind them rang out. "You can put an end to your little slapfight!"

"Whoa!" Butt-head cried. "Is that who I think it is!"

"It's Todd!" Beavis yelled. "Hey, man! How's it going?"

"I've been doing time in the slammer," Todd walked towards the gang with Earl by his side. "And let me tell you, life's been great!"

"Earl, is that you?" Van Driessen squinted.

"Uh…" Earl swallowed nervously.

Seeing Van Driessen with Beavis and Butt-head had not been part of the plan. Earl gulped but still managed to keep his cool. After all, there was still a good chance he'd just kill his intended targets and leave Van Driessen untouched. Todd, on the other hand, didn't look to be in that sort of mood.

"Hanging out with your little nerd entourage, I see," Todd grabbed Butt-head by the head and gave him a VERY painful hug.

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head replied.

"Well that's good to hear," Todd shoved Butt-head back. "Because I've got a special present for all of you."

"Hey Todd," Earl took his companion by the shoulder and whispered. "Let's just waste Beaver and Buttmunch and forget about these other wimps."

"Back off, Earl!" Todd growled. "I've been in prison long enough! I think I've earned the right to do what I wanna do on my free time!"

Van Driessen gasped. In a split second, Todd's gun appeared in his hand and pointed towards him and his students. It did not take long for Van Driessen to register the immediate danger and place himself in front of his students.

"What do you think you're doing?" Van Driessen demanded. "Brandishing a weapon of all things!"

"I'm just here to take care of some loose ends," Todd answered. "You just happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Hey Todd," Earl growled. "Just kill those two bastards and let Mr. Van Driessen go! I had him in all four years of high school!"

"So what if you did?" Todd smiled sadistically. "Isn't killing one of your teachers something you've always wanted?"

The truth was, Earl did have many thoughts about murdering his teachers. In particular, one faculty member he wanted to shoot the most was Principal McVicker.

"Yeah," confessed Earl. "But not Mr. Van Driessen! He was cool!"

"Well too bad!" Todd pushed Earl away. "He and all these little punks are gonna be dead meat in a few sec—"

"You leave Mr. Van Driessen alone!" Earl cried and tackled Todd who misfired into the air.

Earl and Todd began hitting each other across the face with their bare knuckles while Van Driessen grabbed Todd's gun and ushered his students away.

"Leave my teacher alone!" Earl finally drew first blood by busting Todd's lip with a right hook.

Immensely angered, Todd slammed his knee into Earl's gut and headbutted the younger man onto the desert ground. Just to make sure his opponent wasn't getting up, Todd kicked Earl viciously across the head for good measure.

"Don't you dare touch my students!" Van Driessen warned.

"Outta the way, hippie!" Todd grabbed Van Driessen and threw him to the ground.

"Uh, Todd's getting pissed!" Butt-head noted.

"Yeah, he must not have gotten any for a long time!" Beavis observed.

"Now for you two!" Todd grabbed onto Beavis and Butt-head's throats and began choking 'till their faces turned red.

"P-Put them down!"

Todd loosened his grip slightly, but not by much. His victims were still choking in a state of helplessness.

"What's this?" Todd grinned. "Playing with guns, huh?"

"I s-said put them down!" Stewart stammered while holding up Todd's gun with both hands.

Todd threw Beavis and Butt-head down and turned his attention to Stewart.

"And you're gonna make me?"

"I-I will if I have to!"

"Give me the gun, damn it!" Todd charged angrily.

Stewart screamed and pulled down on the trigger.

* * *

"I-I'm sorry, Mr. Van Driessen," Earl sobbed loudly.

"It's alright, Earl," Van Driessen patted his former student on the back. "I forgive you and so does everyone else."

"Yes," Cassandra put her hand on Earl's arm. "It took real courage for you to have stood up to Todd to do what's right."

"Yeah, you were really brave!" Stewart cheered. "I would've never been able to take Todd on in a fist fight!"

"Earl wasn't the only hero," Van Driessen patted Stewart on the head. "You saved all our lives!"

"I had to do it," Stewart explained. "Otherwise he would've murdered my two best friends."

"Friendship is the strongest link between us all, Stewart," Cassandra gave him a smell peck on the cheek. "With it, we can overcome all obstacles."

"Thanks Cassandra," Stewart blushed. "By the way, where are Beavis and Butt-head?"

"Damn it!" Butt-head cried from the distance as he and Beavis watched Todd being taken away in the police truck. "Where are they taking Todd?"

"Yeah, we wanna go with him!" Beavis protested.

"I bet he's, like, going to some really cool party now!" Butt-head said disappointedly.

"He's probably gonna get some too!" Beavis shrieked in frustration. "And we're still never gonna score!"

"Guys, Todd is being taken away to jail for attempted murder," Van Driessen explained. "Anyways, I think it's best that we continue on with our trip."

"I want to thank you, Mr. Van Driessen," Earl sniffed. "You too, Beaver and Butthole!"

"There's no need for that Earl," Van Driessen said. "You've already redeemed yourself today."

"If it weren't for the three of you, I might be dead or in jail by now," Earl confessed. "From now on, I'm gonna do my best to clean up my life!"

"Excellent, Earl!" Van Driessen encouraged. "I know you'll do well in life!"

"And uh, thanks," Earl turned to Beavis and Butt-head. "I owe you two the most."

"Uh, just give us some nachos and we'll call it even," Butt-head requested.

"Yeah, and get us some porn!" Beavis emphasized. "Girls with big hooters!"

"Anyways, here's my card," Van Driessen handed a small piece of paper to Earl. "It's one of my meditation groups. After I come back from this trip, I should be able to join you and help you out in there."

"Thank you so much, Mr. Van Driessen!" Earl wrapped his teacher in a tight bear hug.

"Uh, this doesn't look right," Butt-head grimaced.

"Yeah," agreed Beavis. "Guys aren't supposed to, like, hug guys or something."

"Come here you!" Earl turned his gaze to Beavis and Butt-head.

"Uhh… no thanks, Earl. Our hands are, like, dirty or something."

"Yeah, I've, like, got cooties and stuff! Heh heh heh!"

"You don't fool me, Beaver and Butthole! Come give me a hug!"

"Aaaaahhhhhhh!"

* * *

As the police truck drove across the interstate, the thoughts of one inmate remained uninterrupted for hours. Todd Ianuzzie sat on his seat angrily, ruminating over his humiliating defeat at the hands of Stewart Stevenson. In the short battle, Stewart had shot him in the kneecap, crippling him and taking him to the ground faster than a female Highland High student could go down for him.

"They won't keep me locked up for long," Todd promised to himself. "When I get out, they'll all be sorry!"

"Hey, keep it down already!" Harry Sachz shouted, opposite to Todd. "I'm trying to get some beauty sleep over here!"

"Why don't you shut the hell up!" Todd ordered. "When I'm back in prison, I'll be running things over there!"

"Boy, this is your last chance," Sachz warned. "Stand down or you will regret it!"

"You gonna make me, tubby?" Todd mocked.

Immediately he regretted saying that. Harry Sachz got up on his feet. He weighed several more pounds more than Todd and stood several inches taller than him as well. With one effective backhand, Harry Sachz knocked Todd to the floor.

"I warned ya, boy!" Harry Sachz grabbed hold of Todd and pinned him to the floor, watching the younger man struggle helplessly.

"Screw you!" Todd yelled.

"Screw me? I think it's gonna be the other way around!" Harry Sachz unzipped his pants. "Now bend over boy! I'm about to make you squeal like a piggy!"

_To be continued._


	4. Journey of the Sea Men

**Coming of Age**

**Author's Note**: Tommy was the jock from the 'Spanish Fly' episode. Beavis and Butt-head mistakenly poured some Spanish Fly into his drink and believed he wanted to have gay sex with them. In a wrestling match ordained by Coach Buzzcut shortly after, Beavis kicked Tommy in the groin. Kimberly was the chick from 'Water Safety' and 'Sexual Harassment' whom the two sexually harassed constantly.

_Act IV – Journey of the Sea Men_

"And that's basically my new job!" McVicker spoke into the phone.

"That's good to hear, sir," Buzzcut answered back. "But is it really worth all the trouble? I mean, after all, Beavis and Butt-head are no longer a threat to our school community."

"You're not the one who lost your job because of them!" McVicker insisted. "They've cost me everything! Now I'm gonna get my payback!"

"I understand, Mr. McVicker," Coach Buzzcut replied. "But remember that heart attack that almost cost you your life a few years back?"

"Yeah, what of it?"

"What I'm trying to say, sir," Buzzcut said as softly as his loud voice would allow, "is that as much as I hate Beavis and Butt-head, you also have to take your health into consideration. Those idiots are gone and out of your life. If you focus on them too much, your physical well-being may pay the ultimate price."

"I thought you understood me!" McVicker yelled. "But it seems that I'm on my own!"

With a huff, he hung up on the phone. Gus Baker smiled and patted McVicker on the back for his effort.

"Yeah, guess Buzzcut's not joining us," McVicker sighed.

"No matter," Gus Baker smiled. "You made a good effort to gain more members and that's what counts!"

"I just want to do my part to destroy those little bastards."

"And destroy them you shall. What we need most of all is moral support from the patriotic citizens of this great country."

"How are we going to get the support of an entire nation?" McVicker asked.

"Through the grand ol' American tradition of lobbying!" Baker flashe

* * *

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head crunched down on his tortilla chips. "Remember that Red Hot Chili Peppers song?"

"Cali_**fornication**_?" Beavis asked.

"Yeah, that," Butt-head continued chewing. "It means we're gonna score here!"

"Um, where are we again?" questioned Beavis.

"California, dumbass!" Butt-head hissed. "California!"

"Oh yeah," Beavis finally pieced it together. "We're gonna score in California!"

"We're here," Van Driessen announced at the front seat. "We've finally arrived at the City of Lost Angels… otherwise known as Los Angeles!"

"Now I can finally see the college that I'll be attending," Cassandra beamed. "You were right, Mr. Van Driessen. This city is bustling with both art and life."

"I can't wait to go surfing!" Stewart exclaimed.

"Speaking of which, that's another thing we have to take care of," Van Driessen told the group. "Originally, it was Stewart, Dean, Cassandra, and I. We only have four surfboards in the back right now. We'll have to make a trip to a surf shop to get an extra board now that we have Beavis and Butt-head with our gang."

"You know what I'm looking forward to, Beavis?" Butt-head nudged his companion.

"What, Butt-head?"

"All the naked chicks on the beach!"

"Sorry guys," Van Driessen informed them. "But the nude beaches are only in Brazil and certain areas of the Mediterranean Sea."

"Damn it!" Butt-head cursed. "California's gonna suck now!"

"Yeah, it's gonna suck!"

"Guys, remember what I said about a positive attitude?" Van Driessen reminded.

"Uh… no," Butt-head replied honestly.

"Heh heh, _positive…_" Beavis laughed. "Hey Butt-head, remember that time we met those dorks who talked about being positive all the time?"

"Oh yeah," Butt-head recalled. "Then we stole that guy's wallet! Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Was this the Positive Acting Teens group?" Van Driessen asked out of curiosity.

"You guys joined PAT?" Stewart's eyes widened. "Wow, I never knew that! What was it like?"

"It sucked!" Beavis did not mince words. "They were a bunch of dorks w

* * *

In a few hours, they had everything prepared. Van Driessen had rented the extra surf board, Stewart and Cassandra went off to have a quick tour of the UCLA campus, and the duo stood on the sidewalk outside the surf shop, ogling every scantily clad girl that walked past them.

And now, after a brief thirty minute drive, they were at the beach. Both Beavis and Butt-head were excited at the prospect of getting to meet so many bikini-clad girls that they could barely even talk by the time their feet touched the sand. Finally, they worked up enough courage to do their duty.

"Uh, hey baby," Butt-head said to a brunette walking by. "How would you like to rub on some lotion for me?"

"Have your little buddy do it for you," the brunette replied in disgust and left.

"Hey baby," Beavis said to a nearby Asian American girl. "Wanna make out?"

"Not in a million years," the girl spat and kicked sand into Beavis's eyes.

"Aaaahhhh!" Beavis cried. "Get it out! Get it out!"

"Uh, hang on, Beavis," Butt-head told his friend. "I'll help you out…"

Grabbing a handful of the blonde's hair, Butt-head dragged Beavis towards the tides. By the time they reached the waves, Butt-head took Beavis's head and dunked it into the water. After lifting Beavis up again, he dunked his companion in yet again.

"Uh, better, Beavis?" Butt-head asked.

"Um, yeah I think so," Beavis coughed up some seaweed. "Heh heh heh!"

"Whoa! Check it out, Beavis! Huh huh huh!"

"What is it, Butt-head?"

"It's Kimberly, dude!"

"Whoa, heh heh! How did she get here?"

"I dunno… let's ask her."

Sure enough, it was Kimberly at the beach in a two-piece bathing suit that had caught Beavis and Butt-head's attention instantly. At the moment, she was engaged in a game of volleyball with a few other girls. But that would not deter the duo. Beavis and Butt-head walked up to her without fear.

"Uh, hey Kimberly!"

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Oh dear God…" Kimberly groaned. "Please tell me it's not them…"

"That's right, baby!" Butt-head grinned. "It's Big Daddy Butt-head! Here to, like, serve your every pleasure!"

"And Beavis too!" added his blonde companion.

"How the hell did you two know I would be here?" Kimberly demanded.

"Uh, we didn't," Butt-head admitted.

"Then why are you even here?" Kimberly rolled her eyes.

"Van Driessen took us on a cross-country trip," Beavis answered.

"Typical," Kimberly shrugged. "Only Van Driessen would still think there's hope for you morons after all this time."

"He, like, brought along Stewart and Cassandra too," Butt-head informed her.

"Geez," Kimberly sighed. "Are those two the only people willing to be near you on a semi-normal basis?"

"Nope," Beavis told her. "There was also Diarrhea but she, like, moved or something."

"Diarrhea?" Kimberly wrinkled her nose in disgust. "I don't remember any girl called _Diarrhea_."

"Uh, you two must not have been close or something," Butt-head told her.

"Hey Kim," a tall blonde guy walked up to Kimberly. "Are these losers bothering you?"

"As a matter of fact, they are," Kimberly told her boyfriend.

Now face to face with each other, Beavis and Butt-head recognized who they were dealing with. It was none other than Tommy, the young man that Beavis had had a wrestling match with back in high school that did not turn out too well for the young athlete. After a kick to his crotch by Beavis, Tommy had been knocked out for an entire day. The identification was not one-sided. At first glance, Tommy realized that it was Beavis and Butt-head who were hitting on his girlfriend.

"It's you little punks again…" Tommy hissed.

"Uh oh," Butt-head whispered to Beavis. "It's Tommy!"

"Um, what do we do, Butt-head?"

"Uh, I'll think of something, dude."

"Hurry up and think of something before he decides to screw our brains out on the beach!" Beavis yelled.

"You've got one minute to explain why you're makin' time with my girlfriend," Tommy threatened. "Otherwise I'll kick your scrawny asses!"

"Um, we were just, like, complimenting her for her tan," Beavis replied uneasily.

"What was that?" Tommy's face grew red with anger.

"Beavis, you dumbass!" Butt-head smacked Beavis across the face. "You're not helping!"

"You got thirty seconds remaining!" Tommy clenched his fists.

"Better think of something fast," Kimberly smiled deviously. "Tommy's the type to go all-out! Especially in bed!"

"Think of something, Butt-head!" Beavis cringed at the thought of Tommy raping the both of them. "Or he'll go _all-out_ on us, damn it!"

"Shut up, butthole!" Butt-head ordered. "I'm thinking!"

"Twenty seconds!" Tommy warned.

"Uh, we were just telling Kimberly, like, she needs to stop being such a tease or something," Butt-head came up with an answer as quickly as he could.

"What?" Kimberly shrieked, horrified at what Butt-head had said.

"Time's up!" Tommy yelled and attacked the two.

Fortunately for Beavis and Butt-head, though their strength was lacking, their speed was not to be underestimated. Tommy had to give chase as the duo started running away at full speed.

Finally, just after catching up with them, Tommy was faced with one of his old teachers.

Van Driessen was relaxing in the sand while Stewart and Cassandra were engaged in a game of volleyball. Stewart was in his shorts with the band name "Winger" scribbled all over. Cassandra was in her blue one-piece bathing suit. Almost immediately, they stopped the game when they saw Beavis and Butt-head running towards them. David Van Driessen got up to address them as soon as he saw his former students.

"Tommy, is that you?" Van Driessen asked.

"Yes it is, sir," Beavis replied before Tommy could. "Please don't let him go all-out on us, heh heh heh."

"Yeah," Butt-head laughed. "Who knows what we might catch from his schlong! Uh, huh huh huh!"

"What's going on, guys?" Van Driessen asked.

"These idiots were making passes at my girlfriend!" Tommy answered.

"Guys, is that true?" Van Driessen questioned the pair.

"No way!" Beavis cried. "This dude's trying to do it with us!"

"Yeah, he wants to touch us up!" Butt-head emphasized. "Huh huh huh!"

"Tommy?" Van Driessen looked at the young man curiously. "I never knew you were—"

"I'm not!" Tommy waved his hands in the air. "These dumbasses are making shit up!"

"Perhaps the three of you can work out your problems," Cassandra recommended. "You shouldn't have to resort to violence."

"You're right, Cassandra," Tommy smiled and put his arm around her. "I challenge you morons to an impromptu game of beach ball!"

"Uh, what's that?" Butt-head asked.

Tommy took the beachball from Stewart's hands and threw it into the air, spiking it and sending it crashing right into Butt-head's nose. Like a ragdoll, Butt-head fell on top of the sand with blood pouring out of his nostrils. As the ball bounced back to him, Tommy threw it again, striking Beavis in his solar plexus, knocking the wind out of the blonde.

"Catch you losers later!" Tommy walked off arrogantly.

"Damn it…" Butt-head coughed. "And we were gonna score with Kimberly…"

* * *

"At least that dude didn't try to do it with us anymore," Beavis coughed, knee-deep in the water at this point.

"Shut up, Beavis," Butt-head ordered. "You had to go and piss him off!"

"Hey Butt-head, what's that?" Beavis pointed out.

A dorsal fin was protruding above the waves several feet away from them. What they did not know was that it was a shark that had come close to the shores.

"Uh, I think it's a dolphin," Butt-head stated.

"Cool, heh heh heh!"

"You should go flog it!" Butt-head recommended.

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis waded deeper into the water. "I'm gonna go _flog the dolphin_!"

By the time Beavis had reached the dark shape in the water, the shark had him cornered and was circling him curiously.

"Hey, how's it going?" Beavis asked.

The shark responded by bumping into his leg.

"What was that for, fartknocker?"

It was at that moment the shark lunged out of the water with its jaws agape. Beavis shrieked in horror as 1000 pounds of cartilage came crashing down on him.

* * *

"You're sure you got rid of them?" Kimberly asked as she splashed around.

"Don't worry, babe!" Tommy called out from his surfboard. "Those dumbasses won't be bothering you anymore!"

"I don't know why," Kimberly shuddered. "But I just get this feeling they're going to pop out of nowhere!"

"Aaaaahhhh! Bad dolphin! Bad dolphin!"

All of a sudden, Beavis lunged out of the tidal wave Tommy was riding and grabbed onto the jock.

"What the hell are you doing?" Tommy yelled. "Get off of me!"

"Help!" Beavis cried desperately. "Help me!"

"Let go, you little punk!" Tommy grabbed Beavis by the head and shoved him back into the water.

Beavis fell back but not before he grabbed onto Tommy's shorts and yanked them straight off. The next thing Tommy knew, a shark leaped out from the wave and slammed into his surfboard, breaking it in half. He quickly swam to shore until he collapsed face-down on the sand, exposing his bare buttocks for the entire beach to see.

"Uh oh," Butt-head noted. "He's naked now!"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis washed onto the beach with his shorts still on. "That dude's really horny!"

"What did you do to me?" Tommy got up, baring his "goods" to all the beachgoers.

"Uh, you did that to yourself, dude," Butt-head grimaced.

"Yeah, put on some clothes or something," Beavis told him.

"You're really gonna get it now!" Tommy yelled and made a grab for the duo.

Beavis and Butt-head quickly slipped through his grasps and ran. With the now-naked Tommy chasing after them, they had to run faster than ever.

"When I get my hands on you—" Tommy began yelling obscenities.

"Hurry up, Beavis!" Butt-head sprinted. "Before he gets his _hands_ on us!"

Soon, they had reached the spot where Cassandra and Stewart were continuing on with their game of beachball. As Butt-head ran past them, Tommy managed to grab Beavis and pin him to the ground.

"Ah! Help, Butt-head!" Beavis yelled. "He's trying to do me!"

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head stopped and laughed. "You're gonna do it with a guy!"

"Help, Butt-head!" Beavis insisted as Tommy wrestled him down in the sand. "Heeelllllppppp!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

On accident, Cassandra spiked the ball a little too hard. It zoomed forward at a lightning fast speed and hit Tommy in the face, knocking him out and giving him a black eye.

"Oh my…" Cassandra ran over to where Tommy was. "Are you alright?"

It was then that she saw Tommy's body in its entirety.

"Um, perhaps we should go now, Mr. Van Driessen," Cassandra's face turned red with embarrassment.

* * *

"So did you guys and Tommy finally patch things up?" Van Driessen asked while they were on the road again.

"Uh, Tommy tried to _patch Beavis up_!" Butt-head replied. "Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, that dude was horny as a praire dog," Beavis acknowledged. "Heh heh heh heh m heh!"

"You guys should've joined us for beach volleyball," Stewart told them. "Cassandra and I had an awesome time!"

"Yes, I also managed to make a small watercolor painting of the beach before we left," Cassandra displayed her creation proudly to the three boys. "It's nature at its finest."

"Yeah, that dude trying to score with Beavis was also nature at its finest," Butt-head chuckled. "Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Shut up, Butt-head!" Beavis ordered. "He would've tried to screw you too!"

"At least he didn't catch me, buttmunch!" Butt-head retorted.

"Oh yeah, heh heh," Beavis laughed. "Forgot about that."

"Then you were saved by a girl, you wuss!" Butt-head insulted his companion.

"Now guys," Van Driessen said. "In this modern day and age, women are just as capable and as independent as men."

"Whoa, really?" Butt-head asked.

"Yes, Butt-head."

"Does this mean_ women_ will put out for us _independently_?" Butt-head asked.

"Guys, that's not even remotely what I was talking about," Van Driessen sighed.

"Whoa, chicks are really gonna do it with us?" Beavis asked.

"Uh, apparently so, Beavis," came Butt-head's response. "They have to be, like, independent or something."

"Oh yeah, heh heh… makes sense."

"Where are we going next, Mr. Van Driessen?" asked Stewart.

"I believe we are going to Lawndale," Van Driessen replied. "After that, we'll be heading on over to New York City."

"Uh, _Long_dale?" Butt-head's eyes widened.

"No way!" Beavis cried. "He said _Schlong_dale!"

"Your mom would know the name!" Butt-head told Beavis. "She's been around!"

"Yeah, she has, actually," Beavis concurred. "Heh heh heh…"

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Butt-head, please stop degrading Beavis's mother, m'kay?"

"No way!" Butt-head declared. "Uh, huh huh huh huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, my mom's a slut!" Beavis agreed wholeheartedly. "Heh heh heh m heh heh heh heh heh heh!"

_To be continued._


	5. Competition

**Coming of Age**

_Act V – Competition_

"Here we are, guys," Van Driessen stretched out his arms. "Good ol' Lawndale!"

"Um, this place sucks, Butt-head," Beavis complained.

"Shut up and put up with it, Beavis," ordered Butt-head. "Stop being such a damn wussy and start being a man for once in your life."

"Um, okay."

"Good luck with being a man, Beavis. Huh huh huh! You'll need it!"

"Butt-head," Van Driessen got out of the car. "Is it necessary for you to put down Beavis all the time?"

"Uh, yeah."

"Try to do it less from now on, m'kay?"

"No way, Van Driessen! Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Hi, David! It's been a while now!"

"Uh oh," Beavis muttered after seeing the sight before them.

They were faced with a man in roughly his early to mid 40s. He was clean-shaven with an amicable expression on his face that could only be matched by Van Driessen. Though he wore normal clothing, his posture could be best described as "wussy" at best. Next to him was a mean, domineering woman who looked over his shoulders suspiciously.

"Yes, Timothy. In fact it has," Van Driessen admitted. "Guys, I would like for you to meet Timothy O'Neill. He and I know each other from back in our Woodstock days."

"Huh huh! _Woodstock_!" Butt-head chuckled.

"Hi, you guys look like a nice bunch of students," O'Neill greeted.

"And you look like a wuss!" Butt-head accused.

"What was that?" Janet Barch screeched and held onto Timothy O'Neill tightly.

"Hey Butt-head, this dude looks like a bigger wuss than Van Driessen!" Beavis whispered.

"That's what I said, butthole!" Butt-head pushed Beavis away from him.

"Anyways," Van Driessen told his students. "Tim and I have a lot to catch up on. Why don't you guys take a tour around this town? Meet me back in the afternoon, alright?"

"Don't worry about us," Stewart nodded. "We can handle ourselves, right guys?"

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head agreed. "Beavis likes to _handle_ himself all the time."

"Yeah, I do," Beavis laughed. "Heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"You know," Janet Barch said to Van Driessen. "I guess if Timothy is friends with you, you can't be all that bad."

* * *

The trip around Lawndale had been less than exciting for both the duo. While Cassandra and Stewart did not appear to hate it, both the boys despised the town they are in. They had gone everywhere from the suburbs to the local art colleges. There had been nothing so far to stimulate their interest.

"Schlongdale really sucks!" Butt-head exclaimed. "It's, like, a town with a bunch of rich dorks who do boring crap!"

"Yeah!" Beavis echoed. "It sucks! It sucks!"

"Aw, it's not that bad," Stewart told them. "The neighborhoods are a lot nicer than the ones in Highland."

"I also liked what I saw in the technical colleges here," Cassandra remarked. "Lawndale seems to produce a lot of talented artists."

"Um, I've got talent," Beavis suggested.

"Really?" Cassandra seemed interested. "In what?"

"Beavis is talented in flogging his dolphin!" Butt-head replied before Beavis could. "Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, I'm a master at it, actually," Beavis muttered. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"You mean to say you actually whipped a poor dolphin in captivity?" Cassandra's eyes widened.

"Uh, no," Butt-head told her. "He also likes to choke his chicken!"

"You choked a poor, helpless chicken?" Cassandra seemed horrified. "Beavis, how could you do such a thing?"

"Uh, huh huh huh! Beavis is also good at spanking his monkey!"

"Yeah, heh heh heh!"

"What did that poor monkey ever do to you?" Cassandra was on the verge of tears.

"Well, he got a little rowdy," Beavis explained. "So I had to, like, spank him and stuff, heh heh heh!"

"Um, hey!" Stewart attempted to salvage the situation before it could get worse. "We're all hungry! Let's go get some pizza!"

* * *

Stewart noted with relief that Cassandra was no longer upset with what Beavis and Butt-head had told her. She was happily chewing down on her vegetarian pizza while Beavis had cheese stuck all over his hands because of his failed attempt at picking up a small slice. So far, he, Stewart, and Butt-head were the only ones properly eating the pepperoni pizza they had ordered.

"You know, this town may suck," Butt-head observed. "But the pizza they have is, like, pretty tasty."

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis pried the cheese off his hands. "It's pretty good."

"Beavis, you dumbass!" Butt-head mocked. "You've been playing with your pizza for the last ten minutes!"

"I know, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "That's why I said it's pretty good."

"I remember this being the town Daria moved to," Cassandra mentioned. "She always did seem eager to leave Highland."

"Sweet," Stewart grinned. "Think we'll see her here?"

"Heh heh! Diarrhea!" Beavis smirked. "Cha-Cha-Cha!"

"I remember Diarrhea," Butt-head recalled. "She was always, like, one of those smart chicks who were really dumb and stuff."

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis agreed. "I remember when she was we would never masturbate!"

"She said we would never graduate!" Butt-head corrected. "And look at us now! Shows you how smart she is!"

"Come on, guys," Stewart said. "Daria wasn't that bad."

"Stewart, only a dork like you would like her!" Butt-head accused.

"I actually did have a crush on her back when she was still in Highland," Stewart confessed.

"Whoa, really?" Beavis exclaimed.

"Why didn't you ever tell her how you felt?" asked Cassandra.

"It was a long time ago," Stewart replied. "Back then, I didn't know much about dating or girls."

"Stewart, you still don't know anything about dating or girls!" Butt-head told him. "So shut up!"

"Yeah, you don't know anything about chicks!" Beavis accused.

"Shut up, Beavis!" Butt-head commanded. "You don't either!"

"Well, I did kind of date Kimberly in our junior year," Stewart tried to defend himself. "We went out for six months at least."

"But she was only using you to get to Tommy," Cassandra pointed out honestly. "It was hardly fair on you."

Despite Butt-head's denial, it was apparent. Though Stewart had not "scored" per say, he had still come into closer physical contact with a female than either Butt-head or his dimwitted companion. This was, however, not something Butt-head was willing to believe or accept.

"Hello, my dear," a sleazy voice next to them uttered. "And what might a dainty rose like you be doing here?"

"Uh, who is this dork, Beavis?" Butt-head looked up disgustedly.

"I dunno, Butt-head," Beavis admitted.

"My name is Charles Ruttheimer III," the redheaded lad replied. "I don't believe I've seen your faces from around here."

"We come from Highland," Cassandra greeted. "We're currently on a cross-country trip with one of our former teachers."

"I see," Charles smiled that devious smile of his. "Let me guess… could you four be the former classmates of a certain Miss Morgendorfer?"

"Yeah, we used to go to Highland High together with Daria," Stewart confirmed. "We've had classes together for PE, English, and Math. How'd you know?"

"She and I used to date," Charles stroked his chin. "She mentioned she came from a town called Highland once."

"Whoa, really?" Beavis asked, not even bothering with thinking about the validity of Ruttheimer's claim. "You stuck your schlong in Diarrhea?"

"Oh yes," Charles smiled deviously. "She was quiet the _feisty_ one."

"How has Daria been?" Cassandra asked. "It's been ages since we've seen her."

"Eww, it's Upchuck," a blonde pig-tailed girl whispered to her football player boyfriend. "Let's get out of here, Kevin."

"Upchuck?" Stewart asked.

"A, um, friendly nickname," the redhead gulped. "What are you called?"

"I'm Stewart."

"Beavis, heh heh heh!"

"Uh, huh huh! Butt-head."

"My name is Cassandra. Pleased to meet you."

"Cassandra my dear," Upchuck said in a smooth voice. "How would you like to go with me on a personalized tour of Lawndale? I can show you where Daria lives."

"Hmm, what do you guys think?" Cassandra asked the trio of males.

All of a sudden, Beavis, Butt-head, and Stewart liked this 'Upchuck' less and less as time passed. The sleaziness in his voice conveyed everything they needed to know about him and his habits. Stewart disliked Upchuck more out of a brotherly protection of Cassandra while Beavis and Butt-head found themselves not liking the redhead for less than altruistic reasons.

"Alright then," Stewart said reluctantly. "Have fun, Cassandra."

As Upchuck walked out of the pizzeria with Cassandra, he put his arms around her while giving the trio a not-so-subtle wink.

After a moment or two had passed, Stewart then realized his mistake in letting Upchuck take Cassandra out like that.

"Oh man, did you guys see that?" Stewart asked his companions.

"Uh, see what Stewart?" Butt-head demanded.

"The way Upchuck was staring at Cassandra and making those gestures with his face!"

"What about it?" Beavis began picking his nose.

"He's going to try to use her!" Stewart insisted.

"Use her for what?" Beavis snorted.

"You know, for…"

"What?" Butt-head asked again impatiently.

"For… sex!" Stewart got the word out finally.

"Heh heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "_Sex_…"

"We have to stop him!" Stewart told the two. "Cassandra's been like a sister to me! I can't just let some random guy have his way with her!"

"No way!" Beavis resisted. "We're not helping you, Stewart!"

"Wait a minute, Beavis," Butt-head took his friend to the side. "I think we'd better help Stewart this time."

"Why, Butt-head?"

"Because," Butt-head explained. "We don't want that dork doing it with Cassandra. Then we won't be able to score with her!"

"Oh," Beavis realized. "Oh yeah, heh heh heh."

"Uh, we'll help you out, Stewart," Butt-head said to the Stevenson.

"Thanks guys," Stewart smiled. "You know, if anything, I'd rather have great guys like you date Cassandra instead. I know you'll never use her for sex or any of the other stuff typical guys like to do. You guys have more honor than that."

"Sure Stewart," Butt-head stifled a bit of laughter. "Keep telling yourself that."

* * *

"So Charles," Cassandra asked. "How has Daria been all these years?"

"She's been doing well," Upchuck nodded agreeably. "She's smart, sophisticated… _feisty_!"

"Is she in town now? I'd like to see how she's been doing."

"Don't worry about that, my muffin," Upchuck put his hand on her hand. "You'll meet her all in good time."

"Cassandra!" Stewart ran up, panting. "We've found you!"

"Stewart," Cassandra addressed. "Did you guys have fun?"

"Uh, Van Driessen wants us back," Butt-head told her. "He's done visiting that wuss."

"Damn it," Upchuck cursed silently. "Don't ruin my game here!"

"Yup, it's time to go," Beavis said. "Heh heh heh!"

Upchuck glared at the three boys contemptuously. His lips curled into a frown as he got up angrily.

"What's your hurry, my dear?" Upchuck asked Cassandra.

"We've got to head back out," Cassandra informed him. "It was nice meeting you, Charles."

"Wait a minute," Upchuck walked towards her. "Do you think I could have your phone number?"

"Uh, I said it's, like, time to go," Butt-head got in between them.

"Oh, so this means war between us competing alpha males, huh?" Upchuck growled and stiffened into a karate stance. "I'll have you know that I am a distinguished master of hand-to-hand combat!"

Stewart grinned. Their plan was working perfectly. He had been counting on Upchuck to overreact and to make a fool of himself.

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "_Hand_ to _Hand_!"

"Let me take him, Butt-head! Heh heh heh!" Beavis insisted. "I'll kick his ass!"

"Uh, okay Beavis," Butt-head agreed. "But if you lose, I'm gonna kick yours!"

"So, you wish to fight for the fair maiden's heart, do you?" Upchuck posed in a stance.

"Shut up, dillhole!" Beavis told him. "I'm not gonna let a dork like you score! Besides… _Maiden_ kicks ass!"

Not knowing that Beavis was referring to the band Iron Maiden, Upchuck began dancing around Beavis, slapping him and jabbing him every now and then. Beavis swatted back but Upchuck quickly moved out of the way. He boxed Beavis across the ear while making the trademark Bruce Lee sound.

"Damn it!" Beavis yelled. "Stay still, buttmunch!"

"You're no match for me!" Upchuck charged again. "Hiiiyyyyaaaaa!"

"Kick him in the nads, Beavis!" Butt-head suggested.

Just as Upchuck attacked again, Beavis lashed out with his foot and punted the young, red-headed man in the groin. Upchuck fell to the ground, whimpering and sniveling in copious amounts of pain.

"Congradulations, young Beavis," Butt-head bowed. "Today you have become a man."

"Whoa, really?"

"No, you're still a buttmonkey! Uh, huh huh huh!"

* * *

"So everyone," Van Driessen asked as he stepped out of the café. "How was Lawndale?"

"It sucked!" Butt-head replied. "There's nothing good in this town!"

"I'm sorry to hear that, Butt-head," Van Driessen got into the car. "Did the rest of you enjoy yourselves?"

"Lawndale's sure got some interesting people," Stewart commented.

"Yes, they have very vibrant and colorful characters indeed," Cassandra agreed.

"By the way, did any of you meet Daria?" Van Driessen asked. "Tim told me he had Daria for a few of his classes."

"No," Butt-head replied. "But I bet she's still a career virgin right now, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, she's probably never even done it!" Beavis echoed. "Heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"Ha ha," Stewart laughed. "You guys are such great kidders. I know deep down you guys respect her for staying chaste until marriage."

"Hey Butt-head," Beavis chuckled. "Are you gonna save _it_ for marriage?"

"Uh, sure thing Beavis," Butt-head laughed in return. "I'll even wear a rubber!"

"Heh heh heh! _Rubber_..."

Beavis got into the van with the rest of his former classmates. The victory he had sustained by kicking Upchuck in the groin was still fresh in his mind. Because of that, his self-esteem had gained a bigger boost. He was now ready to take on the world.

* * *

"Where are we going next?" Stewart asked as he allowed his arms to droop out the window.

"We'll be going to New York City," Van Driessen replied. "But since we've got a while to go, I think we'll stop by Yellowstone National Park."

"Uh, huh huh! _Stone_..."

"Hey Butt-head," Beavis reminded. "That guy's name was _Upchuck_!"

"He was a dork!" Butt-head exclaimed. "No wonder he couldn't get any chicks!"

"I'm real glad you guys helped me out," Stewart commended. "He was up to no good at all."

"He certainly had an interesting way of talking," noted Cassandra. "And the strange things he would say about girls..."

"Huh huh huh! _Feisty..._"

"Upchuck was a real jerk!" Stewart patted Butt-head on the back. "I'm relieved you guys were there."

"Stewart, you'd better not be getting feisty with me!" Butt-head glared.

"W-What do you mean?"

"Damn it, Stewart!" Butt-head looked Stewart in the eye, providing the distraction. "You know what I'm talking about!"

Beavis saw his opportunity. Taking the top off of Stewart's gatorade, he took the chance to slip a small laxative pill inside. After shaking the bottle quietly, he set it down when Butt-head stopped intimidating Stewart.

"Gee, I'm sorry," Stewart said. "I'll try not to do it next time."

"That's better, dillweed!" Butt-head spat.

"I am a little thirsty from all this," Stewart took his gatorade. "Oh well, down she goes."

Beavis and Butt-head snickered not-so-quietly as Stewart took large gulps of the sports drink down. After a few minutes had passed, the effects of the laxative began to take place while they were driving down the interstate.

"Mr. Van Driessen," Stewart held his stomach tightly. "I think I have to go..."

"But Stewart," Van Driessen reminded. "The next rest area doesn't come up for 45 minutes."

"I have to go!" Stewart hollered, unable to hold it back anymore. "NOW! Please!"

Slowing down, Van Driessen parked his van on the side of the road. Stewart leaped out immediately and dropped his pants down to the great amusement of both Beavis and Butt-head. Cassandra and Van Driessen could only stare in horror and concern at Stewart's sudden and drastic bowel movements.

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Stewart's taking a dump!"

"He's, like, doing it on the side the road too!" Beavis cackled. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

_To be continued._


	6. Revenge of the PATsies

**Author's Note:** Clark Cobb was the evangelical preacher that showed up in episodes like _Walkathon_ and a few others. Mr. Graham and the Positive Acting Teens appeared in _PATsies_ where they were thoroughly made fools of by the duo. Mr. Graham also made an appearance in the final Burger World episode _Work is Death_.

**Coming of Age**

_Act VI – Revenge of the PATsies_

"Have all the bear traps been set?" Pastor Clark Cobb asked.

"Absolutely, Pastor Cobb," Mr. Graham nodded.

"It's a good thing our boys put a tracer on their car back in California," Clark Cobb smiled. "Now we know when and where to hit 'em! We can even listen in on 'em talk!"

"My Positive Acting Students are also ready for action!" Mr. Graham confirmed.

"Good," Cobb declared. "We know they'll be makin' a stop here in Yellowstone. That's when we strike!"

"By the way, Pastor Cobb," Mr. Graham said. "Thanks for getting me and my family out of debt. I really owe you and the union."

"Think nothing of it, Mr. Graham," Cobb patted the youth leader on the back. "We're always happy to be doing the good Lord's work."

Mr. Graham sighed wearily. Years ago, he had made the mistake of taking Beavis and Butt-head out of detention to serve with his youth group in community service. During their volunteer project, he had been hit in the back of the head with a large metal object and knocked unconscious. When he woke, his wallet including all his cash and credit cards were missing.

He had grilled Beavis and Butt-head during hours and hours of detention, coming up with absolutely no evidence that they had stolen his wallet. Before he could cancel his subscriptions to his credit cards, they had been maxed out, leaving him in almost one million dollars of debt.

Through many hardships he had persevered. Part of it was thanks to the new union he had joined, dedicated to the deaths of Beavis and Butt-head, the two infernal demon spawns who had made his life a living Hell. After all those months of preparation, Mr. Graham felt that he would finally have his revenge.

Evangelical minister Clark Cobb had been one of the guiding influences who helped him back to a sane and sober life. With the good pastor at his side, Mr. Graham was ready to take on the world if he had to.

"I've been a member of the National Rifle Association for as long as I can remember," Cobb took out one of his hunting rifles. "And I promise you, I never miss a target."

* * *

"Now guys," Van Driessen reminded. "It's important that we keep our distance from the animals. Nature can be simultaneously beautiful and deadly. Without the proper distance being set, some of the fauna here can feel threatened by our presence."

"I could sit here and paint pictures all day," Cassandra sighed.

Stewart stared out at the American Bison in the distance. Van Driessen noted his interest and set about to educate him.

"Yellowstone is the only place in the lower 48 States where wild American bison have been able to roam since Prehistoric times," Van Driessen explained. "In certain ranges around here, you can also find Bighorn Sheep, though their population is currently not as high."

"Huh huh huh! _Bighorn_…"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"I have a Bighorn, Beavis," Butt-head reminded his partner. "You've got a _Littlehorn_! Huh huh huh!"

"No fair!" Beavis protested. "Why don't I get the _Bighorn_?"

"Because," Butt-head answered. "I'm, like, taller than you."

"Oh yeah," Beavis realized. "Forgot about that, heh heh."

"Yellowstone also hosts a wide variety of species from Bobcats to Grizzly Bears to even recently introduced Grey Wolves," Van Driessen continued. "Conservation efforts have really paid off over the years."

"Heh heh, _paid off_…" laughed Beavis as he reached in his own pants.

"Damn it, Beavis!" Butt-head punched his companion in the arm. "You're not supposed to spank the monkey out here, dude! You have to, like, conserve or something."

"No way, Butt-head!" Beavis protested. "Nature's calling me! Don't screw around with nature!"

"Huh huh! Screw!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"We'll be camping out here for tonight, guys," Van Driessen told his group. "Remember to keep on the trail and we'll be fine."

"Uh, are we gonna see any of those Bighorns?" asked Butt-head. "Huh huh huh!"

"We won't be heading that far out," Van Driessen replied. "Unless you feel like climbing the mountains."

"I wanna climb _two_ mountains, heh heh heh!" laughed Beavis.

"Are you sure you have enough energy for something so exhausting?" Van Driessen asked.

"Oh yeah!" Beavis nodded excitedly. "Heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"Yeah," Butt-head agreed. "My _Bighorn_ is going to make it to the top of the mountain! Uh, huh huh huh!"

* * *

After hours of hiking, nightfall was finally setting in. With the sun in the distant horizon, Van Driessen was ready to call it a day. They had observed much of Yellowstone's pristine nature. At one point, Beavis had been attacked and nearly mauled by a bobcat for getting too close to the beast's kittens. Luckily, he got away with only minor scratches that were bandaged up instantly.

"Looks like we should set up camp here, gang," Van Driessen announced.

"Is that a light I see over there?" Stewart pointed out.

"As a matter of fact, it is," Van Driessen acknowledged. "Let's check it out."

After walking a little longer on the trail, they saw a log cabin with up to twenty teenagers outside sitting around a campfire. In the middle of the crowd was none other than Evangelical pastor Clark Cobb and youth counselor Mr. Graham.

"Well, kids," Mr. Graham noted. "It looks like we have some special guests tonight."

"Hello there, pastor, Mr. Graham," Van Driessen greeted. "I didn't expect to see you guys out here."

"Check it out, Beavis!" Butt-head exclaimed. "We've met these dorks before!"

"Really?" Beavis asked. "When was that?"

"These are those positive dudes!" Butt-head replied. "They were real dorks! Huh huh huh!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh," Beavis remembered. "I remember now!"

"Why don't you guys join us for the night?" Mr. Graham offered. "There's plenty of room in our cabins!"

"Uh, I think he's talking to you, Beavis," Butt-head frowned. "He wants you to _join_ him for the night!"

"No way, Butt-head!"

"Guys," Van Driessen reminded. "Mr. Graham and the Positive Acting Team are showing us a gracious hand of generosity. We should honor his hospitality instead of rejecting it."

* * *

The very next morning, both Beavis and Butt-head were profoundly upset. As early as six o'clock, they had been forced to get up to accompany the Positive Acting Teens on an untimely nature hike. Though Stewart, Cassandra, and Van Driessen joined them, the experience still left a sour taste in their mouths.

"This sucks," Butt-head complained bitterly. "We didn't even get enough sleep…"

"Yeah, it's like, there's not even a rooster to go '_COCK-A-DOODLE-DO!_'" Beavis made the noisiest impression he could.

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Cock-a-doodle…"

"Guys, these strolls can really help you reconnect with nature," Van Driessen told them. "Isn't that right, Cassandra?"

"Oh yes," Cassandra nodded. "I've never felt so much effervescence in the beauty of these forests not yet blemished by mankind."

"I am still a little sleepy," Stewart admitted and took out a few pieces of tootsie rolls. "This should help us stay awake."

"Give me some of that, fartknocker!" Beavis demanded.

"Sure thing, buddy," Stewart agreed and gave Beavis a handful.

"That's better," Beavis smiled. "I think I'm gonna go take a leak now."

"Be sure to make it quick, Beavis," Van Driessen told him. "We don't want to lose you from the group."

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "_Make it quick…_"

"Yeah, it won't take long," Beavis wandered off into the woods absentmindedly.

"What in tarnation is that boy doing?" Clark Cobb followed behind the group slowly. "He ain't supposed to take off on his own!"

Just as quickly, an idea came to the pastor's head. Cobb picked up his rifle and gave it a good pat. Originally, the plan had been to get them all later on tonight at the campfire. Now, though, he had a good chance to pick off the dumb blonde one. He could enjoy the torture and eventual dismemberments of Butt-head, the two heathens, and the young Stevenson later but right now, he needed to get to Beavis and kill him before the booby traps could.

* * *

"Yeah, that was a good leak," Beavis pulled his shorts back up. "Where'd everyone else go?"

"I suggest you stay where you are, boy," a voice behind him said to the cocking of a loaded gun. "You ain't goin' nowhere."

"Whoa, heh heh!" Beavis exclaimed as he faced Clark Cobb. "You got a gun!"

"You bet I do," Cobb answered nonchalantly. "It's my farewell gift to you before I send you straight to Hell."

"Cool, heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "What's it like there? Are there plenty of chicks?"

"Young man," Cobb narrowed his eyes. "Down there, you will find a multitude of sinners from two-legged hookers to every vile miscreant possible!"

"Yeah, heh heh heh!" Beavis cried. "Send me down there! Send me down!"

"Alrighty then," Cobb walked towards Beavis as he aimed his gun directly at Beavis's head. "Your prayers are about to be answered…"

Clark Cobb took one more step forward only to trip over a string, misfiring into the air and destroying a branch instead of his intended target. He quickly got up without even realizing that he had broken the wire to one of the booby traps the Positive Acting Teens had set up.

The smile on Beavis's face had vanished at this point. Even he was smart enough to realize now that the literal trip to Hell would actually involve his very life. Cobb, however, was not dissuaded and aimed his gun at Beavis once more.

"It's time to pay the piper, boy," Cobb grinned.

As Beavis covered his head to prepare for the worst, an enormous log came swinging down through the trees and hit Cobb violently with enough force to send the preacher flying madly into the air. By the time Beavis opened his eyes again, a distant thud was there to notify him that Cobb was no longer a threat.

"That was cool! Heh heh heh heh m heh!"

* * *

"Um, I have no idea why you're doing this," Van Driessen struggled against his ropes. "But we really have to be going now."

"You're not going anywhere," Mr. Graham piled more wood onto Van Driessen's feet. "Not until we find Beavis."

Van Driessen, Cassandra, Stewart, and Butt-head had been bound separately on four totem poles while the rest of Positive Acting Teens danced around shirtless with war paint on their faces. They were armed with spears courtesy of both Clark Cobb and Mr. Graham. Mr. Graham, in the meantime, was busy concentrating on setting the four up for the bonfire that would ensue.

"Why are you doing this?" Cassandra asked. "What have we ever done to you?"

"You want to know?" Mr. Graham hissed. "Well I'll tell you. Years ago, Beavis and Butt-head knocked me out and stole my credit cards. By the time I was able cancel my subscription, I was already thousands of dollars in debt. Do you know how much suffering I had to go through before I could regain my dignity again?"

"With all due respect, Mr. Graham," Van Driessen said. "Beavis and Butt-head once broke every single vinyl record I've ever owned AND they've even gotten me arrested by the CIA once. But I've learned to look past all that to forgive and forget."

"I used to think that too," Mr. Graham sighed. "Until those two little demons taught me otherwise!"

"Uh, don't blame us just 'cause you're screwed up," Butt-head told him.

"Me?" Mr. Graham's face contorted in rage. "You're the one who stole my credit cards and ruined my life!"

"Uh, okay."

"Don't you feel an ounce of regret for what you've done?" Mr. Graham was this close to pulling his own hair off.

"Uh… no," Butt-head responded instantly and honestly.

"Butt-head," Van Driessen said softly. "I think now would be a good time for you to apologize to Mr. Graham for the pain you've caused him and his family."

"No way!" Butt-head protested. "I don't wanna take a bunch of hippie advice!"

"Um, I think now's a good time for you to do it, Butt-head," Stewart gulped as one of the teens pointed a spear to his throat.

"As soon as we find Beavis," Mr. Graham promised. "All of you heathens will burn at the stake!"

"I-I'm not a heathen," Stewart stammered. "I go to church every Sunday!"

"And I'm agnostic," Cassandra informed the youth counselor.

"It doesn't matter!" Mr. Graham snarled. "As far as I'm concerned, you're all going to burn for cavorting with those hellspawns, Beavis and Butt-head!"

* * *

Night had dawned yet again. Beavis was hungry, cold, and a little irritated at not being able to find his group. He had searched for hours for Butt-head and the others only to turn up no results.

He was, however, being drawn towards something familiar and fascinating to him… fire.

Beavis had been following the smoke trail for over twenty minutes. And as the old saying went, where there was smoke, there was fire.

After reaching the cabin, Beavis could tell that he was in familiar territory again. It was where he and his group had stayed with the Positive Acting Teens. Without even thinking, he walked over and reached for the bag of candy on the porch, knocking over one of the lanterns in the process. Quickly ripping off the labels, Beavis began feasting hungrily on the chocolate as a small spark of fire caught on to the cabin.

* * *

"Wow, this soooo reminds me of _Lord of the Flies_," Cassandra observed as the teens danced more wildly around them.

"Well," Van Driessen rationalized. "At least we're going to die literary deaths."

"Uh, is that the book where all those kids were dancing naked on an island?" Butt-head asked.

"It's time," Mr. Graham turned to the four. "Since Beavis hasn't been found yet, we're going to get started with our bonfire!"

"No!" Stewart cried. "Don't do it!"

"Mr. Graham, please," Van Driessen pleaded. "What you're about to commit is murder!"

"Murder?" Butt-head lifted his head up. "Cool!"

"It's too late for that," Mr. Graham lifted up a torch and walked towards them slowly. "You're going to pay for what you've done to me, Butt-head! You can burn first!"

"Mr. Graham!" a student called out. "Our cabin is on fire!"

"What?" Mr. Graham recoiled. "How could this have happened?"

Now that their campsite had been destroyed, the Positive Acting Teens seemed lost without their supplies and their food. Mr. Graham stood in absolute shock until a sinister voice from the bushes broke his train of thought.

"I am the Great Cornholio…"

"Look!" one of the boys pointed out. "What is that?"

"YOU MUST GIVE ME TEE-PEE FOR MY BUNGHOLE!"

A horrifying sight leaped out of the woods with an expression so ghastly that all the teens were sent crying and running about in terror. Mr. Graham tried to keep the order as best as he could but was soon trampled underneath the scattered boys who were fleeing for their lives.

After cutting the ropes loose with a pocketknife hidden in his sleeves, Van Driessen untied himself and did the same for Cassandra, Butt-head, and Stewart.

"Come on guys," Van Driessen ordered. "Let's get out of here."

"Do you have agua?" Cornholio demanded. "Agua for my bunghole?"

"Damn it, Beavis!" Butt-head dragged his friend by the collar. "Hurry up already!"

* * *

"We'll be five miles away from the van as soon as we cross this bridge," Van Driessen informed his students. "Then we should be safe again on the road."

"Umm," Beavis emerged from his Cornholio phase. "What just happened?"

"Those dumbasses tried to set us on fire," Butt-head answered.

"Whoa, cool!" Beavis exclaimed. "I wanted to see it!"

"Beavis, you bunghole!" Butt-head scolded. "I bet you wouldn't be so happy if they set your schlong on fire!"

"No way," Beavis was taken aback. "I don't want a bunch of guys lighting my schlong!"

"Hold it right there!" a voice behind them called.

Van Driessen whirled around. The angry sight of Mr. Graham with a 10mm shotgun greeted them instantly. He looked haggard and tired but still vengeful. There seemed to be no way to talk their way out of the situation now.

"Hahaha!" Mr. Graham laughed maniacally. "Time's up for you! Say goodbye to this world!"

"Mr. Graham," Van Driessen beseeched. "You really don't have to resort to this…"

"Speak for yourself!" Mr. Graham fired a shot at the ground near Van Driessen's feet. "I'm going to get my revenge! You're going to pay for stealing my credit cards and putting me in debt!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh," Beavis chuckled. "Sorry about that."

"Wait a second," Mr. Graham lowered his gun. "Did you just apologize to me?"

"Um, _positively_," Beavis nodded. Mr. Graham, though, was unaware Beavis was making fun of his "positive" logo.

"In all these years, I never thought you'd ever apologize," Mr. Graham looked lost. "But now I have an apology…"

"See," Van Driessen urged. "Beavis truly is sorry for the pain he has caused you. Aren't you, Beavis?"

"Um, yeah," Beavis said casually. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Oh sweet Lord…" Mr. Graham's steps wavered as he stumbled back.

For a moment, it seemed that the youth counselor was hesitant as to what he should do next. Before he could come to a decision on whether or not to shoot Beavis and Butt-head, he stepped directly onto one of the bear traps his son had set up.

Pain quickly shot through Mr. Graham's leg. He hollered as loud as he could and fired a stray shot into the air that clipped through a tree branch and sent a beehive crashing down and lodging itself onto his head. Yelling in horror and anguish, Mr. Graham ran as fast as his bear trap-entrenched leg could drag him. After pushing past Stewart, Mr. Graham took a narrow 500 feet plunge down the cliff, screaming in agony as he fell.

"Whoa, did you see that, Beavis?" Butt-head's eyes widened. "That was cool! Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, he took a nosedive!" Beavis agreed. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"That dude had guts!" Butt-head complimented.

"He sure did, heh heh heh!"

"He's not like you," Butt-head looked at Beavis. "You're a wussy compared to him!"

"No way!" Beavis countered. "I've got guts!"

"Prove it!"

"Okay!" Beavis yelled before pausing. "Um, how do I prove it?"

"Like this!" Butt-head grabbed Beavis from behind and shoved him off the cliff to the shock of their peers.

"Aaaaahhhh!" Beavis cried as he fell.

Luckily for Beavis, he grabbed on to a small root hanging from the rocks. Clinging desperately, he cursed angrily at Butt-head who was leering down at him with that all-knowing smile.

"Damn it, Butt-head!" Beavis cursed. "When I get back up, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"Go ahead and try, Beavis!" Butt-head called down. "And while you're at it, say hi to those _Bighorn_ Sheep for me! Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

_To be continued._


	7. The Beavis of the Opera Pt 1

**Coming of Age**

_Act VII – The Beavis of the Opera Part I_

"Remember guys," Van Driessen explained to the group as they walked down the streets of New York City. "New York can be a very rough place, especially at night."

"It can't get as _rough_ as that guy who was with Beavis's mom last night!" Butt-head declared.

"Shut up Butt-head!" Beavis retorted. "I'll kick your ass!"

Just as Beavis was about to step onto the street to cross the road, a taxi swerved over, nearly smashing into the blonde. Beavis yelled and fell back onto the sidewalk with Butt-head laughing at his situation profusely. As Beavis cursed angrily, Stewart and Van Driessen quickly helped him back up to his feet.

"Watch where you're walking, asshole!" the cab driver yelled from the distance.

"You really ought to be more careful, Beavis," Butt-head suggested. "Huh huh huh!"

"See, the Big Apple can be a dangerous place if you're not careful," reminded Van Driessen.

"Huh huh, _Big Apple_!" Butt-head chuckled.

"I'll take two, please," Beavis laughed. "Heh heh heh! And make 'em big and round!"

"So where do you guys want to go?" Van Driessen asked.

"I want to check out the fashion designer stores in this city," Cassandra replied. "The art schools here are also worth a look."

"I want to check out some of the cool Broadway plays they have!" Stewart exclaimed.

Butt-head glanced up to see a Virgin Records mega-store located several blocks down the street. He nudged Beavis who quickly noticed the sight as well. It was what they had been waiting for through the whole trip.

"Uh, Beavis and I are gonna go check out the new Megadeth CDs," Butt-head told Van Driessen.

"That sounds good," Van Driessen agreed. "Tell you what, let's all meet back here by five o'clock on 16th Street?"

Stewart and Cassandra nodded and walked off together. Van Driessen took off as well while Beavis and Butt-head stared blankly.

"Let's go check that new place out," Butt-head recommended. "Maybe they have the new GWAR album too."

"Yeah!" Beavis agreed. "New York is gonna kick ass!"

* * *

They had been inside the AX Armani Exchange store for almost twenty minutes. In all this time, Cassandra had been trying out the latest fashions from Europe. Stewart, in the meantime, was sitting idly by while his friend enjoyed her binge. After this, they had plans on going to Ellis Island. By late afternoon, they would rendezvous with Van Driessen and the duo to go see The Phantom of the Opera on Broadway.

"How does this look, Stewart?" Cassandra unveiled the new scarf that had been imported from Denmark.

"Looks good," Stewart flashed a thumbs-up.

Just then, Stewart's cell phone rang. Curiously, Stewart picked it up and saw that it was from Dean. He flipped it open to speak.

"Hey Stewart," Dean greeted.

"Hi Dean," Stewart replied. "How's Tokyo?"

"The food here is great!" Dean affirmed. "We've gone around everywhere from the city to Mount Fuji!"

"Anything else going on right now?" Stewart asked.

"Actually, I discovered this on my laptop just a while ago," said Dean. "I just found out from the Washington Post that two of the nation's worst criminals have escaped and officials believe they're hiding out in NYC right now."

"Who are they?" Stewart seemed a bit more cautious.

"I'm not sure," Dean replied. "There was an incident with them in Washington, DC a few years ago but it was hushed up by the government. My sources tell me they're a Bonnie and Clyde couple who commit crimes together. I'll be sure to keep you updated on any more information I find."

"Thanks Dean."

"Don't sweat it. And don't worry too much about it. This is just to give you a heads-up. For all intents and purposes, nothing's going to happen. Just enjoy your vacation!"

"Thanks, Dean. Talk to you later."

"See you later, Stewart."

"What was that about?" Cassandra asked.

"Not much," Stewart replied, forgetting all about Dean's news about the Bonnie and Clyde couple. "It was Dean. He's all the way in Tokyo right now."

"How is he doing?" Cassandra asked.

"Dean's alright," Stewart replied. "He's been to Mount Fuji already."

"Tokyo must be an exciting place for him," Cassandra remarked. "Just like New York City is an exciting place for all of us."

"I wonder how Beavis and Butt-head are doing," Stewart mused. "I hope they don't get lost. New York is a big place after all."

"Don't worry, Stewart," Cassandra told him. "They should be fine."

"That's good," Stewart breathed more easily. "I'd hate to lose them out here."

"Stewart, I am a bit concerned actually," Cassandra told him.

"Why's that?"

"I believe that deep down, both Beavis and Butt-head are decent people. But don't you feel that they take advantage of you sometimes?"

"I… guess not," Stewart confessed. "I mean, I've known them since kindergarten."

"But sometimes they take more than their fair share," Cassandra commented. "There are times when they don't treat you as an equal."

"Aww, they're just kidding around," Stewart waved. "We're such great friends that we can joke around like that."

Cassandra looked somewhat convinced, but not completely. Before she could press the issue any further, she and Stewart were interrupted by a couple behind them talking loudly over the wife's clothing.

"So how does this look on me, Muddy?"

"You look like a new woman, Dallas!" the man cried. "I'd take you in a heartbeat!"

"Now let's get out of here," Dallas, the blonde-haired woman, said to her husband. "We need to get to Ellis Island by tomorrow and we'll need all the supplies we can get. And don't forget we have a play to attend tonight."

"Huh," Muddy, the beer-bellied guy, muttered as he lifted up all the bags his wife had gathered. "Lousy little whore… thinks she can tell me what to do…"

Dallas pushed past Stewart and Cassandra rudely to get to the cashier. Before Stewart could protest their treatment, Muddy shoved him aside with one hand and walked on through.

"Out of my way, squirt!" ordered Muddy.

"I enjoy New York," Cassandra noted. "But the people here can be rather rude."

"Ah well," Stewart got up. "Better to forget about it and have fun tonight with The Phantom of the Opera."

"Have you seen it before?" Cassandra asked.

"Not really, what's it about?"

"It's a Gothic Novel translated onto the theatre," Cassandra explained. "It has all the elements of love, betrayal, tragedy, comedy, and adventure."

"Sounds like something everyone can get into."

"The play is something you'll have to experience for yourself," Cassandra smiled. "Then your life will feel complete."

* * *

"New York kicks ass!" Beavis stated as he and Butt-head walked down the streets. "It's, like, you can do whatever you want here!"

"Yeah," Butt-head agreed. "Kind of like how that bum mugged you a few minutes ago, huh huh huh!"

"It's like, I didn't have any cash!" Beavis complained. "But he was all, 'Hey man, give me all your money, punk!'"

"Hey Beavis, think Van Driessen's gonna take us to see the Statue of Liberty?"

"I hope so," Beavis said. "Then we can see if we can peak up her skirt or something!"

"That would be cool!" Butt-head agreed. "We can get up close and personal with some giant chick! We can even get underneath her skirt!"

"Yeah! yeah!" Beavis cried. "Then we can climb up her legs and feel her thingies!"

"There you guys are," a familiar voice behind them rang out. "I was wondering what you were up to."

"Uh, hey," Butt-head greeted Van Driessen unenthusiastically.

"It's been over a few hours," Van Driessen noted. "Have you boys had fun?"

"Plenty of it, sir," Beavis replied. "I got mugged, heh heh heh!"

"Are you alright, Beavis?" Van Driessen asked with concern. "He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"No, but he made Beavis wet his pants when he pulled out his knife!" Butt-head cut in.

"Shut up Butt-head!" Beavis yelled. "I never wet my pants!"

"Oh yeah," Butt-head pointed to the small wet stain still visible on Beavis's shorts. "Then what do you call that?"

"Um, I ran through one of those drinking fountains!" Beavis insisted.

"Ah, was that through the Central Park?" asked Van Driessen.

"No," Butt-head replied. "But I threw bread crumbs all over Beavis and a bunch of pigeons attacked him! Huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh m heh heh!" Beavis laughed alongside his companion. "One of them tried to peck my nads!"

"It's a good thing you guys made it through the day," Van Driessen told them. "Now come on, Cassandra and Stewart are waiting for us."

* * *

The gang had gotten front seat tickets thanks to arriving early and on time. Stewart and Cassandra were anticipating the play the most while Van Driessen sat back and fiddled with the small drum he had obtained at the international market. Beavis could only stare up at the decorations for the theatre and chuckle in awe. Butt-head was far less impressed and was interested only in the actresses and dancers he had seen earlier going backstage into their lockers.

"Damn it!" Butt-head protested. "When's this play gonna start?"

"Be patient, guys," Van Driessen told them. "The actors are still getting ready for the play. It might start within the next thirty minutes."

"We gotta wait?" asked Butt-head incredulously. "That sucks!"

"Why don't you guys go get some refreshments?" Van Driessen suggested. "You can kill some time that way."

"Come on, Beavis," Butt-head told his companion. "Let's get some popcorn."

"Okay, heh heh heh!" Beavis nodded compliantly.

As the duo headed down to the stands, they noticed further down towards the stage a rather attractive young woman heading through a door. Butt-head was the first to take notice and grabbed Beavis's shoulder to signal his interest. Beavis looked down just in time to capture a glimpse of her backside going through the stage entrance.

"Whoa, heh heh!" Beavis exclaimed. "That chick was hot!"

"Let's go down there and get her number!" Butt-head declared.

* * *

"Uh, where'd she go?" Butt-head shook his head.

He and Beavis had been in the dressing room for three minutes and thus far, there was no sign of the girl they had been looking for. All they had seen were actors dressed up in their elaborate costumes to play their roles in the act.

"You ready to play as Raoul?" a dark-haired man in a mask asked his partner.

"I got the first night jitters," his friend replied. "But this is something I've been wanting to do."

"Well, we'd better get a drink first," the masked man smiled as he and his companion headed into the recreational room.

Unknowingly, Butt-head tripped over a broom that fell over and lodged its way onto the door, trapping it in place and unwittingly bolting the two men inside. He and Beavis walked down until they saw a changing room with its door hanging open.

"Maybe she's in there," Butt-head observed. "Let's check it out."

After going inside, the chick was nowhere to be found. They did see, however, two costumes lying on the ground that caught their attention. One was a fairly good-looking Victorian-era suit that held much stylishness. The other sat alongside a white mask that one could put over their head.

"Hey, this stuff looks pretty cool," Beavis remarked.

"Yeah," Butt-head concurred. "Let's put it on!"

"I get the one with the mask!" Beavis pushed Butt-head aside to reach for his favored costume first.

* * *

Daria Morgendorffer had never been one for larger-than-life plays involving passion, drama, betrayal, and overacting in general. She preferred reading them through books more often than not. Now, though, she was on a trip to New York with her best friend Jane Lane. They had decided to travel together for the summer before college could really begin.

Her high school career had faced ups and downs through her tenure at Lawndale. She had learned firsthand the rigors of teen melodrama, something she prayed that she would never be involved with.

But nonetheless, she had gone through it and come out stronger than ever, especially in her friendship with Jane. She recalled the moments where their camaraderie with each other had been nearly destroyed because of a boy. It had not been one of her finer moments, especially since she made out with him in his car during a heated argument that led to the whole mess.

But fortunately for her and Jane, high school was now over and they were ready to move on with their lives.

"You seen a little pensive," Jane remarked.

"Just wondering why so many New York tax dollars were funneled into the production of this play," Daria replied.

"You oughta relax," suggested Jane. "All our troubles are behind us. We've got a clean slate to work with now that high school's done."

"I don't know," Daria said uneasily. "I just get this feeling that something from the past is going to come back and bite me."

"Is it about that whole Tom thing?" Jane asked.

No answer.

"Listen Daria," Jane told her. "What's done is done. It's in the past now. I'm certainly not upset with you anymore."

"It's not that," Daria explained. "It's something else."

"Either ways, you should take it easy," Jane told her. "New York's a big town. If the Big Apple doesn't woo you, the Phantom should."

"I can hardly contain my joy," Daria noted.

* * *

"Uh, I think this is the place," Butt-head peered at the door.

"We're finally gonna do it…" Beavis was almost frothing at the mouth. "This is it…"

"Calm down, Beavis," replied Butt-head. "We gotta, like, talk to her first or something."

Butt-head opened the door that led to the dressing room of the actress who played Christine Daae. Interestingly enough, the actress who played the character based off of Gaston Leroux's novel was also called Christine. He and Beavis looked around the room carefully. There was no sign of her so far.

"Damn it!" cried Beavis. "Where is she?

"Hey there fellas," one of the stagehands peeked his head through the door. "Are you guys ready?"

"Uh, ready for what?" Butt-head demanded.

"The play's already started and you, Raul, will be needed," the stagehand explained to Butt-head and then looked to Beavis. "Your singing part with Christine is coming up too."

"I didn't know you could sing," Butt-head looked at Beavis curiously.

"I didn't know either," Beavis replied. "Heh heh heh heh heh…"

"Don't tell me you took singing lessons from Van Driessen," Butt-head grimaced.

"No way! He plays wuss music!"

"That's good to hear."

"Come on guys," the stagehand gestured for Butt-head to follow him. "Your part is coming up soon."

"Wish me luck, Beavis," Butt-head ordered.

"Oh yeah, heh heh… good luck."

* * *

Despite her initial reservations, Daria Morgendorffer now found herself enjoying the play more and more. True, it was pompous, overblown, and ridden with so much grandiose clichés that reeked of Hollywood melodrama but underneath it all, the play was enjoyable purely for its grand spectacles of human behavior. That, in itself, was worth watching.

"You were right, Jane," Daria commented. "Guess I should give the producers some credit. When they want to make a larger-than-life theatrical production, they really deliver the goods."

"What did I tell you, Daria?" Jane smirked. "I knew you'd enjoy the play."

"It's like the whole setup is an archetypal story designed to appeal to the deepest recesses of our subconscious minds.

"You can't fault the producers," Jane shrugged. "They certainly succeed in that regard."

"Makes you wonder if they'll ever try to translate Star Wars onto Broadway."

"Beats me," said Jane. "Say, doesn't that one actor look a bit out of place?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, to be blunt, most of the actors and actresses here are drop-dead gorgeous," Jane told her. "Raul doesn't seem to fit the description."

"Raul?" Daria asked before recalling what the pamphlet on the play had told her. She had almost forgotten that Raul was the romantic prospect who competed with the Phantom for Christine Daae's love.

"Right over there," Jane handed the binoculars over to Daria.

Curiously, Daria picked up the binoculars. Since they sat on one of the top echelon seats, they had more difficulty seeing the faces of the characters. After one careful examination, Daria almost fell back onto her seat in shock. Fortunately, Jane was there to catch her before she fell.

"Oh my God... is that who I think it is?"

_To be continued._


	8. The Beavis of the Opera Pt 2

**Coming of Age**

**Author's Note:** Muddy and Dallas Grimes are acting independently of all the other villains who want Beavis and Butt-head's lives. They're not affiliated with the main group of arch-foes.

_Act VIII – The Beavis of the Opera Pt 2_

"Hey baby!" Butt-head called down to Christine. "Wanna, like, do it?"

Christine stared up at "Raul" in bewilderment. What he had just said to her was most noticeably NOT in the scripts. Just what in the hell was he thinking anyways? Was he purposefully trying to get them in trouble with management?

Putting all her worries away, Christine began singing again. If the other actors couldn't keep up with their parts, then she would have to definitely pick up the pace and play her role competently.

"We can, like, go back stage and get away from all these drama club dorks!" Butt-head called down at her again. "Then we can do it! Huh huh huh!"

"What in the hell is he saying?" the manager in the back shook his head. "This isn't part of the script!"

"Don't know what's gotten into him," the stagehand scratched his head. "He seemed fine earlier."

"For what matter…" the manager looked up more closely at _Raul _with his binoculars. "Where's the real actor? This isn't even our guy!"

"Should I stop the play and call the cops?" the stagehand asked nervously.

"Hell no!" the manager ordered. "If we stop the play now, we'll have a riot on our hands!"

"So what do we do now?"

"We sit it out. That's what we gotta do. Then we'll hang the bastard when it's over."

* * *

"Oh my," Van Driessen looked up nervously. "How did Butt-head get up there?"

Stewart and Cassandra, most of all, seemed amazed by how Butt-head had suddenly become part of the play. Van Driessen, on the other hand, was concerned about Butt-head's safety now that he was up there. There was no telling what would happen to him after the play. There was always the chance that Butt-head would get arrested for being in there without any prior approval.

"Is he gonna be alright?" asked Stewart.

"I hope so, Stewart," Van Driessen crossed his fingers.

"Mr. Van Driessen?"

Van Driessen turned his head to a sight he had no seen in three years.

"Daria? Is that you?"

"I saw you guys down here a little after I saw Butt-head on stage," Daria explained. "I figured he was with you."

"T-That's right," Van Driessen confirmed. "I don't know how or why they managed to get up there."

"I think you should come up with me," Daria suggested. "We've got room in our balcony seats and it's quieter."

Van Driessen glanced around the crowd. Sure enough, there was a lot of disquiet whisperings over Butt-head being in the play. The voices of complaint were getting louder and louder.

"Alright then," Van Driessen relented.

"But what about Butt-head?" Stewart asked. "We've gotta get him too."

"Don't worry about it," Daria reassured. "He's survived worse."

For a second, Daria almost bristled from her own remark. True, it was mean spirited of her to delight in watching Butt-head make a fool of himself on the stage but alternately, it had been such a long time since she had seen him engage in these acts of stupidity. Besides, what was that old saying again about how misery loved company?

Plus, if Butt-head was nearby, then Beavis had to be around as well. There was no way she would miss the chance to watch their antics.

"It's been a long time, Daria," Cassandra greeted. "It's good to see you again."

I can tell we're going to have a _lot_ to talk about," Daria nodded.

* * *

Christine was almost at the edge of her sanity. The play had been a disaster for most of its duration and they were only thirty minutes into it. Raul, for the most part, had not been acting himself and now, they were near the part where the Phantom was to appear and sing his infamous duet with her. She prayed deep down that this was one aspect of the play that would not be screwed up.

"Hey, how's it going?"

"That's not part of the play either," Christine bit her tongue.

"So, like, my place or yours?" Beavis asked in an imitation of the banter he had seen Butt-head engage in once with a chick.

"Sing your part already!" Christine hissed. If the play didn't go well, they'd have a full-scale riot on their hands.

"Um, okay," Beavis agreed. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"What are you waiting for?" Christine demanded. "Sing your part!"

"Umm, let's see…"

Christine, at this point, was not expecting a five-star performance.

"_I am the great Bungholio of the Opera! I have no bungholeeeee! The Phantom of the Bunghole is heeeerrrreeeeeeeee!_"

"Oh Lord…" Christine muttered.

At this point, the crowd was throwing fresh fruit at Beavis. Christine stepped back as a rotten tomato hit her dress and stained it.

"_The Phantom of the Bunghole sees all and hears all! He comes from Nicaragua to steal your TeePee! For he has no immortal bunghooooooliooooooooo-io-io-io-io-io!"_

"Please let this be over with soon!" Christine ducked to avoid a piece of celery aimed at her head.

"_You will sacrifice Tee Pee to my Bungholioooooo!"_

* * *

"Do you see what I see, honey?" Muddy Grimes smiled.

"The perfect opportunity for revenge," Dallas replied, revealing the gun she had hidden that was strapped around her thigh.

"So which one are you gonna take?" Muddy asked.

"I'll get the blonde one. You can get the brunette."

"Let's go then!"

"Not now!" Dallas yanked Muddy down. "We gotta wait for the right moment!"

"No way!" Muddy declared. "I do things my way!"

"You sure about that?" Dallas grinned.

Muddy felt a small prick towards his side. One touch of metal was enough to inform him that his wife had a switchblade jabbed into his side, ready to punch in even deeper if he didn't do what she said.

"A-Alright then," Muddy relented. "We'll do it on your signal."

"That's a good boy," Dallas purred.

* * *

"Guys, this is Jane," Daria introduced the gang to her friend.

"Hey," Jane greeted.

"So you're the inspirational art student Timothy told me about," Van Driessen shook her hand.

"You know Mr. O'Neill?" Daria asked.

"He and I have known each other ever since the Woodstock days," Van Driessen told her. "We first met at a Grateful Dead concert."

"That's something I can see happening," said Daria.

"So what're you doing here?" Cassandra asked. "Here to see New York?"

"More or less," Daria replied. "Had to do something before college started."

"It great to see you too," Stewart interrupted. "But what are we going to do about Beavis and Butt-head? We gotta get 'em out of there before any more trouble comes up."

"Well," Van Driessen stroked his beard. "We could get on stage and take them off, but that would cause more of a commotion."

"We could always go down there and talk to management," Daria suggested.

"Good idea," Stewart agreed. "Let's go do it."

"So," Cassandra remarked as Van Driessen, Stewart, and Daria walked off. "Mind if I look at what you have in your sketchbook?"

"Knock yourself out," Jane offered the book to Cassandra. "We've got a long way to go before _The Bunghole of the Opera_ is done."

* * *

"What have I gotten myself into?" Christine groaned.

"Okay Beavis," Butt-head walked up to his companion during the middle of his song. "Your turn's over. Now I get to talk to her!"

"No way, Butt-head!" Beavis yelled. "I'm about to score here!"

"Doesn't look like it, butthole!" Butt-head told him. "Now get out of the way!"

"No!" Beavis declared. "I won't step out of the way! Not this time!"

"Don't be a dumbass, Beavis!" Butt-head told him. "You're never gonna score, ever!

"Shut up!" Beavis cried. "Quit saying that!"

"Boys, you don't have to do this," Christine urged.

"This is your last chance, Beavis!" Butt-head warned. "Get out of the way and let me work my magic!"

"Aaaaahhhh!" Beavis shrieked and tackled Butt-head.

Beavis managed to wrestle Butt-head down to the ground but the brown-haired teen kicked his companion off with both feet. As Beavis got up, Butt-head slammed into him and knocked him over. Quickly, Beavis kicked out with his feet and tripped Butt-head over.

"Now that I think of it," Christine muttered. "We might be able to turn this play around after all."

As Butt-head shoved Beavis off of him again, Christine took two swords from backstage and came out, throwing them both to the duo.

"Cool!" Butt-head exclaimed as he glanced at the rapier he now held. "This kicks ass!"

"I'm gonna kick your ass, Butt-head!"

"Try it, fartknocker!"

Their blades crossed immediately. Butt-head parried, struck, and danced around Beavis to taunt him every so often. He slashed at Beavis only for Beavis to duck and slice open Butt-head's shorts, exposing his underwear to the entire audience. It was at this point that everyone began laughing and cheering wildly.

Immediately, Butt-head kicked his shorts aside and began fencing again with Beavis. They slashed at each other viciously and vicariously with neither seeming to gain the upper hand. Finally, Beavis attempted to slice Butt-head vertically but Butt-head step-sided him and kicked Beavis in the rear, sending him stumbling away.

As Butt-head closed in for the kill, Beavis turned around swiftly and knocked the sword out of his companion's hand with a quick parry. Now it was Butt-head who was at Beavis's mercy as Beavis held the sword at Butt-head's throat.

"Damn it!" Beavis yelled. "She's mine! She's all mine! Heh heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"Uh, calm down Beavis," Butt-head suggested.

"Not this time, damn it!" Beavis screamed. "I'm sick and tired of you telling me I'm never gonna score! I'm sick of it!"

"You won't have to put up with your friend for long, son!"

"Huh?" Beavis turned around only for the handle of a gun to crash down on his back, knocking him down.

"Alright, everyone!" Muddy Grimes spoke through the microphone. "This is a stick-up!"

"Any false moves and we'll blow the whole place up!" Dallas added.

"Whoa!" Butt-head exclaimed. "It's that chick again!"

"Really?" Beavis got up, rubbing the back of his neck. "That's cool, heh heh heh!"

"You see, ladies and gentlemen," Muddy continued as he held up a remote in his hand. "We've strapped a bomb in this theater. And unless you do what we say, we're gonna set it off and blow all of you to kingdom come!"

"We know you're an affluent bunch," Dallas reinforced with the cock of a gun. "Therefore, we want everything you've got. Money, jewels, watches, necklaces… we'll take all of it!"

A few hired thugs in masks appeared before the audience on stage with bags. Reluctantly, the people at the front got up and handed over their possessions. Eventually, everyone else followed suite to the delight of Muddy and Dallas.

"Load that stuff into the vans and wait for us," Dallas ordered the thugs. "We'll be with you in a little while."

"Hey baby," Butt-head walked up to Dallas. "Remember me?"

"Sit your ass down!" Dallas pushed Butt-head away. "We're staying for revenge now that we know you're here!"

"You know," Muddy smirked. "I didn't expect to see you boys all the way in New York!"

"We're on vacation," Beavis informed them. "Heh heh heh!"

"Well that's too bad, ain't it?" Muddy taunted. "Seeing as you and your friend are gonna be dead meat in a few minutes!"

* * *

In the backstage, a considerable amount of consternation was stirring with everyone now that Muddy and Dallas had made their terrorist threats.

"This is not good," Van Driessen said softly. "What can we do now?"

"Those two are your students, yeah?" the manager asked.

"Yes, actually," replied Van Driessen. "That's why we came backstage in the first place… to try to pick them up."

"They locked us in the changing room!" the man who was supposed to play the Phantom told the hippie teacher. "That's how they got up there!"

"Look," the manager told Van Driessen. "If you can stop those two, I'll drop all the charges and forget about this whole thing."

"Yes, please do," Christine echoed. "You have no idea how much money this theatre will lose if these criminals get away."

"I'll… see what I can do," Van Driessen promised nervously. "By the way, where's Stewart?"

"This doesn't look good, Mr. Van Driessen," Daria opened up the back curtain for Van Driessen to take a look.

Van Driessen gasped. Stewart was out there confronting Muddy and Dallas in an effort to save Beavis and Butt-head. Without hesitation, Van Driessen rushed out there to try to handle the situation himself.

Before Daria attempted to follow, she heard a feint beeping sound coming from underneath her feet. Kneeling down, she felt the ground beneath her to uncover a loose plank that had been used to overturn and hide something Muddy and Dallas had planted before the play began.

* * *

"Don't you dare hurt my friends!" Stewart charged again.

Muddy shoved Stewart back easily for the fifth time. "And you're going to stop me, kid? Ha!"

"Don't you dare lay a finger on my students!" Van Driessen got in front of Beavis, Butt-head, and Stewart.

"Who're you?" demanded Dallas. "Their dad?"

"No, as a matter of fact," Van Driessen told them. "I happen to be their teacher!"

"What do you think, honey?" Dallas glanced over at Muddy.

"Let's just waste 'em now!" Muddy suggested. "Then we can get out of here with the loot!"

"Agreed," Dallas aimed her gun at the four. Muddy did likewise.

"Not so fast," a voice came from behind Muddy and Dallas.

"Not again," Dallas groaned. "Who the hell is it this time?"

"Heh, nothing to worry about, dear," Muddy looked back. "It's just some girl."

"Maybe," Daria walked up calmly. "But what do you think you're really going to get out of this?"

"All the loot that can last us a lifetime!" Dallas grinned. "Besides, little girl, what can you do?"

"Not much," Daria replied with a smile. "But I do have something that belongs to you."

Daria took out the detonator she had hidden behind her back and slid it forward. Muddy picked it up and looked at the timer.

"Uh, Dallas," Muddy told his wife. "I think our bomb's broke."

"Shit!" Dallas cursed. "What the hell do we do now?"

"I even remembered to cut the red wire first," Daria grinned with her trademark smile.

Thanks to the distraction Daria bought, Stewart grabbed onto a nearby fire extinguisher and sprayed both Muddy and Dallas with a blinding foam that covered them immediately and forced them to drop their guns.

Dallas covered her eyes and managed to run out of the foam, sprinting towards the exit door as fast as she could. Daria stepped to the side just as Dallas came closer and stuck out her foot, tripping the female con and sending her crashing into a table that had been set up.

As Muddy got up, he swung with all his might and punched Stewart to the side.

"I'm gonna kill you!" Muddy rushed towards Beavis and Butt-head with a murderous rage.

Just as Muddy closed in, a sandbag from up high fell down and crashed into his head, knocking him out instantly. Beavis and Butt-head looked up at the top to see Van Driessen who then gave them a thumbs-up.

After the entire gang got together again, a thunderous applause was heard from the audience who had witnessed the entire event.

"I think this is our cue to bow," Van Driessen helped Stewart back up.

Standing up straight, Beavis held hands with Butt-head and Van Driessen who, in turn, held hands with Stewart and Daria. Together, they bowed deeply as roses were thrown at them in reverence and respect for saving the day.

"That's a wrap," Daria grinned.

"Abee—bee—bee—bee—That's all, folks!" Beavis cried, in an imitation of Porky Pig's famous closure.

* * *

"Thank you for saving our theatre!" the manager shook Van Driessen's hands profusely. "Without you, we'd have gone out of business!"

"Think nothing of it," Van Driessen smiled. "We're just glad we could set things right again."

"You two in particular were really brave," Christine walked up to Beavis and Butt-head, giving them both kisses on the cheek.

"Whoa, cool!" Beavis cried. "Did we just score?"

"Calm down, Beavis," Butt-head told him. "That was just a kiss."

Even so, it was the first kiss Beavis and Butt-head had ever received from any woman that wasn't their mother. Noticing how excited Beavis was, Christine decided to put her hands around him.

"Tell you what," Christine told them and took out a piece of paper to write down her phone number. "Here's my number. Call me sometime, boys."

After Christine walked away, Beavis and Butt-head looked down at the sheet of paper excitedly. It was also the first time they had ever gotten a woman's telephone number.

"Yes!" Butt-head yelled as he and Beavis began headbanging. "We got a chick's number!"

* * *

Ellis Island was the last stop they made for the trip in New York. Glancing over at the horizon from the Statue of Liberty, Van Driessen sighed. Deep down, he was proud of all his students for how they had grown on their trip. Stewart, Cassandra, Beavis, and Butt-head alike had all gone through so many life-changing experiences that he would miss them terribly after the trip was over and they went their separate ways to college or the workplace.

"You guys were so brave!" Cassandra complimented. "How did you manage to stand up to two thugs like Muddy and Dallas Grimes?"

"Well, Beavis was being a wuss the whole time," Butt-head put his arms around her. "So I had to, like, set an example and be a man to show Beavis what being a hero was all about!"

"No way, Butt-head!" Beavis protested. "You're making all that up!"

"Am not, dillweed!" countered Butt-head.

"Are too, asswipe!"

"Buttmonkey!"

"Turd Burglar!"

"Buttknocker!"

"Ass Goblin!"

"Well, I think it's time we headed out now," Van Driessen told the gang. "We've seen all we can in the Big Apple and it's time to move on."

"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed. "But first tell Beavis to stop being such a butthole!"

"Shut up, fartknocker!" Beavis threatened. "Before I kick your ass like I did on stage!"

"You got lucky that time," Butt-head replied calmly. "I can kick your ass any other time of the week!"

"You boys aren't going to leave without me, are you?" a voice from behind them rang out.

"Daria, is that you?" Van Driessen turned around.

"Look Beavis," Butt-head told his friend. "It's Diarrhea!"

"After New York, Jane and I were about to head back to Lawndale," Daria informed the gang. "But now that I see all of you here, I just thought I'd tag along… if you have room in the car, that is."

"Well, we do have two other empty seats," Van Driessen responded. "I don't see why not."

"Sweet!" Stewart exclaimed. "You gotta tell us about what life was like after Highland!"

"Yes, we have so much to talk about," Cassandra agreed and embraced Daria.

"And how about you two?" Daria looked at Beavis and Butt-head. "Do any growing up while I was away?"

Beavis and Butt-head looked at each other excitedly before erupting into a loud chant.

"Diarrhea, Cha-Cha-Cha! Diarrhea, Cha-Cha-Cha!"

"I'll take that was a 'no'…"

_To be continued._


	9. Prom Night

**Coming of Age**

**Author's Note:** Mrs. Dickie was the biology teacher who showed up in Scientific Stuff where she forced Daria to team up with the duo and in Girls Only, where she refused to allow B&B to watch a documentary on pregnancy. Agent Flemming is from the B&B movie.

_Act IX – Senior Prom_

"Mr. McVicker?" Coach Buzzcut asked. "Have you been feeling alright?"

"I'm fine!" McVicker insisted as he sat down on his couch. "I've never felt better!"

Coach Buzzcut, in the meantime, helped himself down to a seat as well. McVicker took out a bottle of whisky and poured himself a drink. He then offered Buzzcut a glass to which the PE coach politely declined.

"So tell me about what's been on your mind," Buzzcut suggested.

"You know that new support group I've joined?" McVicker asked.

"Yes, you've told me."

"It's done wonders for my life!"

One thing was for sure. The nervous shaking that used to be a habit of McVicker's was now gone. Buzzcut, however, was still not wholly convinced that the group had McVicker's best interests in mind.

"Are you sure it's worth it, though?" Buzzcut offered. "After all, those maggots are no longer a part of Highland High."

"It is worth it, damn it!" McVicker insisted. "This is my chance for revenge!"

"I certainly am sworn to silence," Buzzcut reminded McVicker. "But I have to remind you that assassination is illegal. Think of your career!"

"Those two bastards have already ruined it!" McVicker replied quickly. "With a big name like Gus Baker backing me up, just think of the opportunities I have!"

"Well, sir," Buzzcut said reluctantly. "I wish you the best of luck with whatever you wish to accomplish."

"Want to join my new group? It could still use some members!"

"I'm afraid I'll have to decline, sir. Besides, what was it about Beavis and Butt-head that finally made you snap?"

"Remember the senior prom?"

"I wasn't there myself, sir. But I have heard the gory details more or less."

"Here's what happened," McVicker began with his story.

* * *

_Three months ago… Highland High's senior prom…_

Mrs. Dickie looked down at her own dress in order to make sure there were no wrinkles on it. The prom was promising so far, with the majority of students promising that they would not engage in any acts of fornication or alcohol during the entire duration of the school dance. What they would do after prom was over was a whole different story.

"Principal McVicker?" she asked. "Are you feeling alright?"

"I-I just can't shake the feeling that those two are going to do something terrible tonight!" McVicker responded shakily.

"Come now, Mr. McVicker," Mrs. Dickie smiled. "Even Earl is behaving himself at the dance. Surely Beavis and Butt-head will have the decency to do the same."

"Y-You don't know them like I do!" McVicker stuttered. "Nothing you can say or do will appeal to their better nature!"

"On the contrary, I've had them for biology and chemistry," Mrs. Dickie replied. "There are times when they can stay quiet."

"Is it because they're asleep or they're just skipping class?"

"Hmm, good point…"

"Oh my God!" McVicker turned around. "There they are now!"

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head said as he walked through the door with the tuxedo that Stewart let him borrow. "Check it out! All these chicks are dressed up real nice!"

"Yeah!" Beavis agreed. "We can get drunk and have a good time!"

"Uh, not tonight, Beavis."

"Damn it! I wanna try some beer for once!"

"Calm down, Beavis," Butt-head told him, after taking out the flask of whisky he had stolen from McVicker's office. "You're gonna have to wait a little longer."

"Why's that?"

"Because we're gonna, like, get some girls drunk so they can, like, do it with us or something."

"We can do that?"

"Of course we can, buttmunch!"

"Okay then, let's do it!"

"Not yet, Beavis! We gotta, like, go dance with some girls first or something."

"Oh yeah, heh heh heh…"

"Hey guys, how's it going?" Stewart walked up to the two.

"Get out of the way, Stewart!" Butt-head ordered. "And go get us some punch!"

"Sure thing, guys," Stewart ran off to get them drinks.

"Beavis and Butt-head!" McVicker came up. "I'm going to be keeping an eye on you for all of prom!"

"Uh, what's your problem, McVicker?" Butt-head asked.

"You're the p-problem!" McVicker accused. "This is prom night! Don't screw it up for me or anyone else!"

"You oughta relax, McVicker," Butt-head told the Principal. "Aren't you gonna, like, party or something?"

"Not unless I know for sure you little bastards aren't planning something!" McVicker yelled at the two.

"Come on, Butt-head," Beavis looked around. "Let's go dance with some chicks."

"Good idea, Beavis."

* * *

"Hey baby," Butt-head suggested to Kimberly. "Wanna, like, dance?"

"Better yet, try dancing with your little friend," Kimberly walked away from Butt-head with a look of pure disgust on her face.

"Wanna dance, Butt-head?" Beavis joked. "Heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"Shut up, Beavis!" Butt-head ordered. "There's no way I'm dancing with you!"

"Maybe we could try Cassandra?" suggested Beavis.

"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed. "But first let's go to the dance floor and shake things up! Huh huh huh!"

After moving onto the dance floor, both Beavis and Butt-head began their strange, yet oddly amusing, dance moves. Most of it consisted of Beavis doing feint karate kicks while Butt-head swayed his hands back and forth in parallel motions. Soon enough, most of the other students moved away from them slowly. The majority of whom were girls completely disgusted with the pair.

"Whoa!" Butt-head exclaimed. "I think it's working! Now these chicks are, like, playing hard to get! Huh huh, _hard_!"

"Yeah, yeah!" Beavis yelled as a disco song began playing. "Watch this, ladies!"

After spinning around with wilder dance moves, Beavis leaped into the air and came down, intending to break into the splits. Instead, rather than his intended effect of impressing the girls, all the muscles near his groin were stretched out beyond their limits. Beavis howled in pain as he lay on the ground in pain from his groin wound.

"Aaaaaahhhhhh!" Beavis yelled. "It hurts! It hurts!"

"Huh huh, dumbass!" Butt-head leered over him.

"Are you alright, Beavis?" Dean came up and helped him to his feet.

"Not really, heh heh!" Beavis coughed.

"Those were at least some wicked dance moves you pulled off!" Stewart complimented.

"Come on, Beavis," Van Driessen led him to a table. "Let's get you sitting down."

"Can I have an ice pack?" asked Beavis.

"Beavis," Van Driessen said to his student. "I've noticed that you and Butt-head have been giving Principal McVicker more stress lately."

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you think that for this party, you should at least make an effort to behave yourselves?"

"Um, okay."

"That's better," Van Driessen smiled. "Now wait here until you're all healed up. Then go and have some fun. Remember, no more reckless dance moves from now on."

* * *

"This party sucks!" Butt-head exclaimed disappointedly. "It's, like, none of the girls wanna dance!"

Indeed, well over half the girls were backing away now that Butt-head was in the center of the dance floor. Soon, though, Butt-head set his eyes on Cassandra.

"Hey baby, wanna dance?" Butt-head asked confidently.

"Okay," Cassandra agreed and put her arms around him for the slow dance.

"This rules! Beavis probably wishes he was me right now!"

"Shut up, butthole!" Beavis yelled across the room from his table. "I heard that!"

"Try not to be too jealous, Beavis!" Butt-head called back. "You're still never gonna score!"

"Damn it! When my nads feel better, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

"You try that, Beavis! Huh huh huh!"

"How are you liking prom so far?" asked Cassandra.

"Uh, I think they need to serve us some beer!" Butt-head told her. "It's, like, all that punch does is make Beavis hyper!"

* * *

Beavis grumbled to himself misery as the slow song finished up. He took down a gulp of the drink Stewart had gotten him. Why was it that Butt-head got to go out there and dance with a girl while he pulled his own groin muscles? It just wasn't fair.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head walked up to him. "I danced with a girl and you didn't!"

"Shut up, Butt-head," Beavis retorted. "I'm not in the mood for your crap!"

"Well, I'm about to do you a favor tonight, Beavis."

"What?"

"I'm gonna spike the punch so a bunch of drunk chicks can put out for us after prom's over!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh! Forgot about that!"

"You owe me for this, Beavis! Without me, you'd never even get close to a girl!"

"Thanks, Butt-head."

"Don't mention it, dude."

Beavis got up and walked with Butt-head towards the punch. Reaching inside his vest, Butt-head pulled out the flask of wine and began pouring it down into the drinks when he suspected nobody was looking.

"Is it gonna work?" Beavis asked.

"Of course it'll work, dillweed! Quit being so impatient!"

"Whoops, sorry."

After Butt-head was done pouring the wine into the punch bowl, he put the flask back into his vest.

"McVicker should take better care of his stuff!" commented Butt-head, feeling the flask inside his vest. "He leaves everything lying around!"

"Why couldn't we have a drink?" Beavis asked. "We've never had alcohol before, damn it!"

"Because, who knows what you'll try to do it with if you're drunk!" Butt-head replied. "Now quit whining and get ready! Soon we'll have a bunch of drunk chicks all over us!"

"Wait a minute, I gotta do one more thing!" Beavis scooped up the punch bowl and took it with him.

"Get back here with that punch bowl, Beavis!" Butt-head commanded. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Don't worry," Beavis told him. "It won't take long!"

After Beavis left the gym for a minute or so, he came back with the punch bowl and set it on the table.

"What were you doing out there, Beavis?" Butt-head demanded. "Taking a leek in the punch?"

"Nah, I was just, you know…"

"Uh, you were what?"

"I had to, you know, flog some of that _dolphin juice_ in there and stuff!"

"You've got issues, Beavis," Butt-head told his friend. "You've got issues, huh huh huh!"

Thankfully, nobody else had noticed with them tampering with the punch bowl. Butt-head set is down carefully and walked off with Beavis to watch for any girls who might've been thirsty.

"This is it, Beavis. This could be the night we score!"

"Thank God!" Beavis nodded excitedly.

Lo and behold, to their horror, Principal McVicker walked up to the punch bowl and took several swipes of the punch, drinking it down thirstily and ravenously. After a while, however, McVicker began noticing the changes.

"W-What was in that punch?" McVicker staggered back.

"Uh oh," Butt-head muttered. "McDicker's getting drunk now!"

"Damn, that was good!" McVicker exclaimed and grabbed the entire punch bowl, drinking down every last drop of the spiked punch.

"Principal McVicker, is something wrong?" Mrs. Dickie took notice of McVicker's strange behavior.

"Nothing's wrong, babe!" McVicker hiccupped. "I feel like a new man tonight!"

Without warning, McVicker grabbed Mrs. Dickie and pulled her into a big, sloppy kiss for all the prom-goers to see. After he was done, he set her down and gave a big yelp of joy.

"Mr. McVicker!" Mrs. Dickie fumed. "What's gotten into you?"

"Is everything alright, Mr. McVicker?" asked Van Driessen.

"Of course it is!" McVicker pumped his fist into the air. "I'm ready to get down and PAR-TAY with all the movers and shakers!"

"Um, was it a good idea getting him drunk, Butt-head?" Beavis asked.

"Uh, yeah. Look at how big of a dumbass he's becoming!"

"But what if he, like, tries to kiss you?"

"Hmm, maybe it wasn't a good idea to spike that punch after all…"

"Hey kids!" McVicker yelled as he drunkenly leaped onto the dance floor. "Are you ready to bring down the house?"

"What's gotten into him?" Stewart asked.

"It's, like, McVicker's drunk now," Butt-head replied.

"You serious?" Stewart exclaimed. "How did that happen?"

"Butt-head spiked the punch, heh heh heh!" Beavis told him.

"Beavis, is that true?" Van Driessen asked.

"Uh, yeah," confirmed Butt-head.

"Wow, I've never seen Principal McVicker pull off those dance moves before!" Stewart stared at the dancing McVicker.

McVicker yanked his head back as he continued dancing on the floor. Soon enough, most students became strangely attracted to his bizarre behavior and moved in closer. The high school principal swayed his hips back and forth, savoring every delicate moment he could in his drunken state.

"I never knew you could dance this good, Mr. McVicker!" Kimberly danced closer to him.

"Yeah, how come we never see you do this during school?" asked Dean.

"You ain't seen nothing yet!" McVicker cried.

With the momentum going in his favor, McVicker leaped onto one of the tables and began shaking his body wildly. He grabbed onto one of the support beams and whirled around it several times as the Highland student body cheered.

"This is really messed up, Butt-head!"

"Yeah, it's, like, McVicker's some old fart and all these girls want him now!"

"It's not fair, Butt-head! It's not fair!"

"What is this?" Mrs. Dickie took a closer examination of the punch bowl. "These drinks are spiked!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

In the meantime, McVicker ripped off his vest to the sound of more wild cheers and began rapidly thrusting his pelvis into the air. He spun around a few more times, holding on to the beam, and ripped off his shirt, revealing his hairy chest to the audience.

To the disgust of Beavis and Butt-head, his pants came off next, revealing underwear lined with pictures of teddy bears. As McVicker continued on with his exotic pole dance, the duo decided they had enough.

"Let's get out of here, Beavis."

"Yeah, good idea, heh heh."

"Prom really sucked!"

"Yeah, it's, like, they say you shouldn't miss it but when you go, you don't even get to score!"

"Unless you can, like, get chicks drunk enough to do you."

"Even then, you'll probably get some teacher all drunk and horny!"

"Just look at McDicker, huh huh huh!"

"Think in college we'll see more drunk chicks, Butt-head?"

"Yeah, there's plenty of drunk, horny chicks in college!"

"Think we should go to Harvard for college?"

"Hmm, maybe."

"Or how about that Stanford place?"

"Beavis, are you even smart enough to get in those places?"

"Yeah, heh heh heh!"

"Did you take the SATs yet?"

"Um, no."

"Well there you have it, dillhole! Huh huh huh!"

* * *

_Present day… McVicker's house…_

"There you have it," McVicker explained. "When I became conscious again, the newspapers were all over me and how I performed a strip tease at Highland High's senior prom."

"I certainly remember the incident," Buzzcut nodded.

"This affair was the event that finally led to the school board firing me recently. It's why I need to get my revenge on those two little bastards!"

"I wish you luck then, sir," Buzzcut saluted. "But I, for one, cannot join you."

"Yeah, yeah," McVicker said. "Just get out of here, then. Now that you know all the embarrassing details."

"Are you certain you don't want to step out of this group, Mr. McVicker?"

"Positive."

"I see. Have a good evening, sir."

"See ya."

After Buzzcut walked out of the house, his cell phone started ringing. Wondering what the heck it was, Buzzcut turned on his phone.

"Hello?" Buzzcut spoke.

"Sergeant Buzzcut, this is Agent Flemming."

"Agent Flemming, sir," Buzzcut replied. "How may I be of service?"

"Your services are required again, Sgt. Buzzcut," Flemming responded. "Lately, the FBI has uncovered a sinister plot involving several of your former students and one of your co-workers in Highland High. It all ties back to an underhanded individual named Mr. Lobby who is responsible for stealing government equipment and making several assassination attempts on those students. We don't know what he's planning but it most likely has something to do with an attempt at taking over the United States government."

"I understand, sir."

"Sgt. Buzzcut, your country needs you again. Are you willing to answer the call to duty once more?"

"Sir, yes sir!" Buzzcut echoed.

_To be continued._


	10. Animal Act

**Coming of Age**

_Act X – Animal Act_

"_Diarrhea thinks she's funny_!" Beavis chanted. "_We all know she's wet an' runny!"_

"Come on guys," Daria crossed her arms as she sat on her seat impatiently. "Isn't this getting kind of old?"

"Uh, no," Butt-head replied.

"Yeah, we're making up for lost time, damn it!" Beavis agreed. "You try one, Butt-head!"

"_Diarrhea, Cha-Cha-Cha_!" Butt-head rhymed. "_All she says is __**Blah-Blah-Blah**_!"

"I can't tell you how much your words are poetry to my ears," Daria remarked sarcastically.

"Yeah, we're poets, heh heh!" Beavis grinned. "Kind of like that Virgin guy."

"Yeah, and didn't he write some book called _The Anus_?" Butt-head chuckled. "Uh, huh huh huh!"

"It's _Virgil_," Daria corrected. "And he wrote _The Aeneid_."

"_Career virgin is what she'll be_!" Butt-head continued. "_Because her thingies you cannot see_!"

"Heh heh, good one, Butt-head!"

"Your turn, Beavis."

"_Diarrhea is a bore_! _It's no wonder she can't score_!"

"Isn't this getting a little tiresome, guys?" Daria sighed.

"I agree with her," Van Driessen glanced back from the driver's seat. "I think the teasing needs to stop."

"Haha," Stewart chuckled. "Don't worry about Beavis and Butt-head, Daria. They're just playing around."

"Huh huh huh, _playing around_…"

"Heh heh, I like to play around…"

"I'll bet," Daria looked at the two with a mixture of both respect and disgust.

It had been a long time since she had seen the two. Times had changed but both Beavis and Butt-head had not. For that, Daria couldn't help but admire the two for sticking to their core characters despite all the changes that had occurred in their lives as time passed by like a speeding bullet train. Their tenacity in the face of change was truly something to be in awe of.

"Do you think we can go to the carnival?" Stewart asked as he glanced out the window. "That circus is only five miles down the road."

"Yes, it would do us some good to unwind and take a break from our usual schedule," Cassandra agreed.

"Cool!" Beavis exclaimed. "We're going to a carnival?"

"Uh, a carnival?" Butt-head asked. "You mean with, like, midgets and fat bearded chicks?"

"Yes, maybe we'll even see some of them," Van Driessen replied as me made a turn at the next exit.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head said to his friend. "Think we'll find your dad at the circus?"

"Hmm, anything's possible," admitted Beavis.

"Or maybe we'll find your mom making out with the animal trainers, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, she probably whips them," Beavis agreed. "Heh heh heh!"

"No, I think it's the other way around, Beavis," Butt-head corrected.

"Oh yeah, maybe," Beavis agreed compliantly.

* * *

As the gang entered into the circus, a flurry of sights and smells greeted them. The animals roared and hissed from their cages as clowns and other circus folk performed their acts with proficient ease. Stewart and Beavis, thus far, seemed to be the most excited about coming to the circus.

"Let's go inside so we can catch the circus acrobats," Van Driessen herded his group towards the tent.

After the gang had entered into the tent, they took their seats on the stands. To Daria's annoyance, both Beavis and Butt-head sat next to her, sandwiching her in the middle.

"So Daria," Butt-head started off. "How did you like Schlongdale?"

"It's Lawndale," Daria corrected.

"Heh heh, _Long_dale…"

"Very perceptive of you, Beavis," Daria commented.

"So, like, were you still one of those dorky smart kids after you left Highland?" asked Butt-head.

"What do you think?" Daria crossed her legs.

"Uh, I think you're still a career virgin," replied Butt-head.

"Okay…" Daria rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, do it with any guys, Diarrhea?" Beavis mocked. "Heh heh heh!"

"And that would be your business… why?"

"Because we have a right to know," Butt-head told her plainly.

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis snickered. "Did you do it?"

"Sure… if you say so," Daria told them sardonically.

"Whoa!" Butt-head's eyes widened. "Really?"

"I was being sarcastic," informed Daria.

"Beavis, I'm afraid for your future, young man," Butt-head told his companion. "If Daria can do it before you, there's no telling if you'll ever score."

"Butt-head, don't you think it's the slightest bit hypocritical of you to accuse Beavis of not 'scoring' when you yourself haven't even done it?" Daria pointed out.

"Uh, no," Butt-head replied.

"_Diarrhea's thingies are a flop,_" Beavis chanted. "_But she wants to be on top_!"

"Huh huh huh! Good one, Beavis!"

"Guys, knock it off," Van Driessen told the two. "The show's about to begin."

* * *

"Wow, that was the greatest show I've ever seen!" Stewart exclaimed. "Especially when that human cannonball got blasted into the sky!"

"Want to get some cotton candy?" suggested Cassandra. "We can go on the rides afterwards."

"Good idea, guys," Van Driessen said. "Why don't we split up into two groups? Beavis and Butt-head, you two can go with Daria."

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Can I trust you two to get along with Daria this time and not keep teasing her?"

"Don't worry, Mr. Van Driessen," Daria assured him. "I've got it handled. Besides, their behavior amuses me."

"Alright then," Van Driessen nodded. "Have fun."

After Van Driessen, Stewart, and Cassandra walked off, Beavis looked at Butt-head for guidance.

"What do we do now, Butt-head?"

"Uhhh," Butt-head surveyed his surroundings. "Let's go win some prizes or something."

"Trying to _score_ some prizes, huh?" Daria raised her eyebrow.

"Be quiet, Daria!" Beavis ordered. "What would you know about scoring?"

"I know that just like making an attempt to date, your chances of winning a prize at the carnival are also slim to none," replied Daria.

"Yeah, well we'll see about that, Daria," Butt-head retorted.

"Yeah, let's go throw some balls!" Beavis declared.

The three high school graduates walked over towards one of the stands that had been set up. It was a ball-throwing contest. Anyone who was lucky enough to throw a ball and knock down the 10 stacked up pins would win a prize.

"Uh, could we, like, have some balls?" Butt-head requested.

"It's a buck a throw," the vendor informed him.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head turned to his companion. "Got any money?"

"Yeah, I got a quarter," Beavis reached inside his pocket and took out his change.

"Here you go, sir," Butt-head took the quarter and presented it to the vendor.

"Are you deaf?" the vendor groaned. "I said it was a dollar!"

"It's on me, guys," Daria took out a dollar and gave it to the owner.

"Thanks, _Diarrhea_," Beavis thanked her with no small amount of sarcasm on his part.

"Alright Daria," Butt-head picked up a ball. "Let me show you how it's done!"

Butt-head threw the ball first. It sailed past the pins due to his innate lack of coordination and control.

"Heh heh, that sucked!" Beavis exclaimed.

"I'd like to see you do better, butt munch!"

"Okay," Beavis replied and took a ball.

This time, Beavis threw the ball a bit too far. It threw past the pins, bounced off the wall, and came back, striking Beavis in the forehead.

"Aaaahhh!" Beavis shrieked.

"Huh huh, dumbass," commented Butt-head.

"To think I'd never get the opportunity to see this again," Daria said to herself.

"Damn it, Beavis! Don't you know how to throw?"

"Shut up, Butt-head! You were, like, distracting me!"

"You really suck at this!"

"No way! I know how to pitch a ball! Heh heh!"

"Remember that time in fifth grade you were hit in the nads by a baseball during PE?"

"Um, no way!" Beavis insisted. "That never happened!"

"Actually, I remember it pretty clearly," Daria smiled. "Coach Ensworth was pretty pissed you didn't keep your eyes on the ball."

"Shut up, Diarrhea! That's not true!"

"Quit being in denial, Beavis," recommended Butt-head. "Even Daria remembers that one time."

"Damn it!" Beavis confessed. "I was, like, distracted by Kimberly! Her hooters were growing out at the time!"

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "That is true…"

"You two noticed that stuff even at that early of an age, eh?" Daria asked.

"Yeah, and we're damn proud of it!" Beavis cried.

"Huh huh huh!" chuckled Butt-head. "You weren't that proud when you started crying! Then you got taken to the hospital on a stretcher!"

"Well, as **I** recall, there was a rather large puddle on the dirt before the school nurse arrived," Daria recollected the memories. "And let me tell you, it wasn't Beavis crying a river."

"Shut up, you asswipes!" Beavis yelled. "This is embarrassing!"

"Wait a minute," Butt-head paused. "I think Daria's right! Beavis did wet his pants!"

"No she's not!" Beavis protested. "She doesn't know what she's talking about!"

"Actually, I think she does, huh huh huh!"

"Say, Beavis," Daria walked up and patted the blonde on the shoulder. "Do you recall that time in middle school?"

"Um, no!" Beavis shook his head frantically.

"There was that one time… I can't quite recall the moment…" Daria said, feigning forgetfulness.

"Don't listen to her, Butt-head!" Beavis yanked at his friend's arm.

"I gotta listen to this!" Butt-head pulled his arm back.

"Oh, that's right!" Daria snapped her fingers. "Remember when you walked into the girl's bathroom, Beavis?"

"Huh huh huh! Yeah!"

"No!"

* * *

"Are you alright, Stewart?" asked Van Driessen.

"Yeah, I'm a-alright," Stewart replied shakily. "That haunted house tour just shook me up a little."

"I think there's something else bothering you, Stewart," Cassandra said. "Mind talking about it with us?"

"Yes, if there's something that's gnawing at you, I think this is a perfect opportunity to let it all out," Van Driessen encouraged.

"Well," Stewart sat down on the steps. "I'm not sure."

"It's really no good to let frustration bottle up inside," advised Cassandra. "Perhaps Mr. Van Driessen and I could help."

"Well, I guess it's just that I've lived such a sheltered life for most of my time," Stewart confessed.

Both Van Driessen and Cassandra nodded encouragingly and waited for Stewart to continue on.

"I've grown up with loving parents, a good home, and all the things a kid could ever want," explained Stewart. "I guess because of that, I don't know too much about the real world."

"I see," Van Driessen nodded.

"I really wanted to do some things in life," Stewart said. "Be a firefighter, go bungee jumping, skydiving, and more. But I guess my parents always discouraged me from doing such things."

"Most parents will be concerned for us in that degree, yes," Cassandra noted.

"I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I want to be more active, adventurous and in-charge, but I never really got the chance with the kind of environment I've grown up in," Stewart told them.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Stewart," Cassandra took Stewart's shoulder comfortingly. "Our environment can have an effect on us in certain ways we don't want when we grow older."

"It's okay though," Stewart smiled. "I'm going to college after the summer. I can learn to be more independent over there."

"That's the spirit, Stewart!" Van Driessen encouraged. "And speaking of which, does anyone know where Beavis and Butt-head are?"

"Yes, maybe we should go search for them," nodded Cassandra. "Are you sure you're alright though, Stewart?"

"Yeah, I guess I am."

"Stewart, you're one of the bravest individuals I've ever seen," Van Driessen told his former student. "If it weren't for your actions, we might not even be here to enjoy this trip."

"He's right," Cassandra patted Stewart on the back. "You're the one person whose courage has kept this team together."

"Aww, thanks guys," Stewart looked gratified.

* * *

"Um, I really don't think you should be doing that," Daria recommended.

"Uh, no way, Daria!" Butt-head responded. "This is gonna be cool!"

"Yeah, especially when we get in there! Then we get to be stars!" Beavis insisted.

A few minutes ago, one of the animal trainers had gone off for a drink while leaving one of the locks on the door, open but still tightened just enough to keep the gorilla inside from breaking out. Seeing their opportunity, Beavis and Butt-head had gone up to take advantage of the situation.

"You know the chances of you getting mauled to death once you step inside, right?" Daria asked.

"Uh, no," Butt-head replied.

"Come on, Butt-head!" Beavis insisted.

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Do you have the camera ready, Daria?"

"Yes," Daria sighed. "But I don't suppose I can still talk the two of you out of this?"

"No way! We're gonna be animal trainers!" Beavis took hold of the trainer's whip with him.

Daria slapped her own forehead in frustration. As much as she wanted to watch the duo make fools of themselves, risking their lives for an insane stunt like this was taking it way too far. She wanted to see them get humiliated in public, not killed or murdered.

After Butt-head closed the door to the cage, he and Beavis walked up towards the female gorilla named Lily. Beavis was the first to make a movement by cracking his whip. In the meantime, Butt-head held up the hoop he had in his hand.

"Damn it!" Beavis shouted. "Get up and jump through this hoop!"

Lily only growled angrily as she glared at the two with murder in her eyes.

"Well," Daria said with much resignation. "Better capture the scene now so you two can go out on a high note."

Just as Daria clicked on the camera for a picture, Van Driessen showed up along with Stewart and Cassandra.

"Oh my Lord!" Van Driessen looked at the scene in shock. "What are those two doing?"

"Posing for National Geographics," Daria commented sarcastically.

"This is too dangerous!" Van Driessen rushed towards the cage. "You could get killed!"

Barring his way into the cage, Van Driessen grabbed a hold of Beavis and Butt-head and ushered them out of the door just in time. However, he was not fortunate enough to get himself as two large hands grabbed him from behind and pulled him behind.

The hatred for Beavis and Butt-head in Lily's eyes had been replaced by a look of pure love for David Van Driessen. With one massive hand to the hippie teacher's chest, Lily rubbed his temple lovingly.

"Um, what's going on?" asked Stewart.

"Whoa!" Butt-head cried. "Check it out, Beavis! That monkey wants Van Driessen!"

"Oh my God!" Van Driessen's voice was heard very loudly and clearly. "Get me out of here!"

"Yeah, she must be really horny!" Beavis agreed.

"Stop it! Stop it!"

"Oh no!" the animal trainer ran up along with the manager. "Is Lily doing what I think she's doing?"

"What are you waiting for!" the manager shouted. "Get the tranquilizer!"

"Heeeellllllllpppppp!" Van Driessen, with his shirt and pants nearly torn off, grabbed onto the bars only to be dragged back by the love-crazed gorilla.

"Uh, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Van Driessen really puts the _monkey_ in _Buttmonkey_!"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis agreed. "I think that monkey's gonna give him an anal probe!"

"What're you talking about, Beavis?" asked Butt-head. "Only aliens give anal probes."

"Oh yeah, heh heh heh!"

"Actually, I think Van Driessen just gave new meaning to the phrase _Spank the Monkey_," Daria told the two who promptly burst into laughter.

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"You know, you're pretty cool sometimes, Daria," complimented Butt-head.

"Um, thanks… I think," Daria accepted the compliment as graciously as she could.

_To be continued._


	11. Meet the Stevensons Pt 1

**Coming of Age**

_Act XI – Meet the Stevensons_

_Part I_

"Dear, are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Mrs. Stevenson while she and her husband got off the plane.

The two of them were in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Thanks to Gus Baker's resources, they had been informed of the current location of the Van Driessen along with his students. Mr. Stevenson was the first to volunteer going out and finding them. After all, his son was in the same company as Beavis and Butt-head and it was high time he took action to get his own son back.

"Of course it is!" Mr. Stevenson said. "Besides, the union paid for our plane tickets."

"But dear…" Mrs. Stevenson told her husband. "Our son seems to be having fun on this trip. Must we really spoil it for him?"

"Spoil it?" Mr. Stevenson shook his head. "Listen dear, our Stewart is trapped out there somewhere with those two hooligans! Who knows what path they'll lead him down to?"

"But we always let Beavis and Butt-head come over to our house," his wife reminded him. "And Stewart has practically known them since kindergarten. It hasn't affected his academic and social life."

"These things take time," Mr. Stevenson told her. "Like Gus Baker told us, future criminals aren't created overnight. The seeds have to be sown in carefully over time."

"Stewart did make it to the Top Ten in Highland High at Number 2," Mrs. Stevenson reminded him. "And he's this old already. I think the future of our son is already in good hands."

"You mean with that half-baked hippie teacher of his and those two future criminals!" Mr. Stevenson retorted. "Listen, it's now or never. We have to get our son back or we may lose him forever!"

"Yes dear…" Mrs. Stevenson agreed reluctantly.

In truth, Mrs. Stevenson did not wish to go to Philadelphia to interrupt her son's summer vacation. Honestly, she trusted the guidance or David Van Driessen and his ability to keep his students safe. More importantly, she felt that her son was also in no real danger around Beavis and Butt-head. She felt that there was no real reason for her husband to take them out here to interrupt his fun. He, however, insisted and now she had to obey him because he was so adamant. He had been this way ever since he had joined that new union that had formed in Highland.

* * *

"_Ding dong, the witch is dead…_" Beavis sang as he looked over the Liberty Bell in fascination.

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "I dare you to touch it, Beavis."

"Okay, heh heh heh," agreed Beavis.

"Guys, let's not do that, mmkay?" Van Driessen told the two. "I don't want you two getting us into anymore trouble than you have already."

"Van Driessen's right," noted Daria. "Notice the sling on Mr. Van Driessen's arm?"

At a previous stop at the circus, Beavis and Butt-head had attempted to get inside a gorilla's cage. Thankfully, they were caught and thrown out in time by Van Driessen before either of them could be mauled. Due to his sacrifice, Van Driessen had been assaulted and injured by the gorilla who attempted to mate with him. It had not been a pleasant experience in the hippie teacher's mind.

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head replied. "He almost did it with a gorilla! Uh, huh huh huh!"

"You know, it's a good thing Cassandra has a driver's license," Daria told them. "Otherwise, we may not have gotten here."

"I went to driving school once," said Beavis. "I got my permit there!"

"Really?" Daria raised an eyebrow skeptically.

"Weren't you involved in that accident?" asked Cassandra.

"Uh, was that us?" Butt-head scratched his head.

"I think so," Stewart confirmed for them. "The next day, Mr. Buzzcut was in a really bad mood."

"Yes," Cassandra continued. "He made comments on how your driving almost got him killed."

"Uh, oh yeah!" Butt-head seemed to recall. "Then he kicked our asses in PE class when no one was looking in the lockers!"

"Did he really do that?" asked Van Driessen.

"Yeah, he slammed our heads into the locker!" Butt-head replied, embellishing on the story a bit. "Buzzcut was pissed!"

"Hmm," Van Driessen shook his head. "I may need to have a discussion with Mr. Buzzcut when I get back."

"So how's Buzzcut been?" asked Daria. "Has he changed any?"

"Nah," Stewart told her. "Mr. Buzzcut's still teaching the same subjects."

"Interesting," remarked Daria. "I probably don't need to ask but does he still hate you two as always?"

"Yup," Butt-head told her proudly. "He was always giving us detention and screaming at us!"

"I can see why," Daria commented.

"Hey! Get your hands off the Liberty Bell, you little punk!"

The gang quickly turned their attention to the matter at hand. Beavis had just stepped inside the ring to bang on the Liberty Bell. In response, the security guard had jumped into action quickly and promptly began beating the crap out of the blonde.

"And don't come back!" the guard grabbed Beavis by the shirt, dragged him towards the end of the building, and kicked him out the door.

"Ouch, heh heh heh!" Beavis coughed while giggling simultaneously.

The gang quickly stepped outside to check up on Beavis.

"Are you okay, Beavis?" asked Van Driessen.

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis got up. "Let's go get some food. I'm hungry!"

* * *

"I'm sorry, Beavis," Van Driessen said as the entire gang sat near the sidewalk in a local café. "But we can't let you have any caffeinated drinks for the duration of this trip."

"Yeah, remember what happened the last time?" reminded Daria.

"I got TP for my bunghole?" asked Beavis innocently.

"Nah, you got all hyper and tried to hump Stewart," Butt-head reminded him.

"Oh yeah, heh heh," Beavis chuckled. "That was pretty funny."

"Lay off the sugar cubes next time, Beavis," ordered Butt-head.

"Okay, heh heh…"

"Where will we go next?" asked Cassandra.

"Next up we'll be heading to Independence Hall," Van Driessen said. "It's where we'll see the origins of America's founding fathers."

"Huh huh, think we'll find Beavis's father in this city?" asked Butt-head. "That dude probably gets around."

"Speaking of which…" Stewart looked into the distance. "Are those my parents?"

The two figures in the distance walked closer. Soon enough, Stewart and the rest of the gang could make out who they were. Though Stewart was ecstatic that his parents were in Philadelphia, Van Driessen privately wondered how the Stevensons could have found them so easily, especially when Stewart had gave no mention about his parents showing up on the trip.

"Hey mom! Dad!" Stewart greeted his folks enthusiastically. "What brings you guys over to Philly?"

"It's good to see you again, Stewart," Mrs. Stevenson hugged her son. "Your father and I wanted to check up on you."

"Son, we need to have a talk," Mr. Stevenson said to his son directly.

"W-What's going on?" asked Stewart.

"Well, your father is only… concerned for your safety," explained Mrs. Stevenson.

"Son, we're going to have to go home now," Mr. Stevenson told Stewart bluntly. "I'm afraid you can't stay with this group anymore."

"Yeah!" Butt-head echoed in agreement. "It's about time a dork like Stewart left!"

"I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. and Mrs. Stevenson," Van Driessen asked. "But if you don't mind me asking, why are you suddenly pulling Stewart from this trip?"

"Because of those two, that's why!" Mr. Stevenson pointed an accusing finger towards Beavis and Butt-head.

"Figures…" Daria said sarcastically.

"Those two punks have been a bad influence on my son ever since Kindergarten!" Mr. Stevenson continued. "And I've had it up to here! But now more! I'm no longer going to be a negligent parent! I'm going to take back my parental rights and make sure Stewart is no longer exposed to such degenerates! And don't think you can hijack my son off on some crazy trip now that I'm here!"

"Huh huh huh! He said_ jack_…"

"Yeah, heh heh! Then he said _off_..."

"Shut up, you two!" Mr. Stevenson yelled at the duo to emphasize his point.

"But dad, I'm having a good time here!" Stewart protested. "I don't wanna leave…"

"I'm sorry son," Mr. Stevenson with a wisp of regret. "But I can't have you stay on this trip any longer. You'll have to come to the airport with us."

"I still don't see why…" Stewart said.

"Son," Mr. Stevenson explained to his only child. "There comes a time in every man's life where he has to take responsibility for himself and his family. It's time, son. Be the man I've always known you were. Come with us."

"Yes," Mrs. Stevenson nodded sadly. "By the end of this summer, you'll be in college and you can make plenty more friends over there…"

"I… guess you're right," Stewart told them, his voice full of regret. "Just let me get my bags."

"I hope you don't mind my intrusion," Van Driessen turned to Mr. Stevenson. "But why do this while Stewart was having fun with us the entire time? Your son was never in any danger of being corrupted."

"Isn't it obvious?" Mr. Stevenson gestured towards Beavis and Butt-head contemptuously.

* * *

Stewart sank back in defeat while sitting in the backseat of the taxi cab. In roughly an hour, he would be back to the airport and within the course of another two hours, back on his way to Highland. Though he regretted leaving the trip, he still felt the need to respect his parent's wishes. More importantly, his father had explicitly forbidden any more contact with either Beavis or Butt-head from this moment on.

His mother had been apologetic about the situation but so far, his father had not. He had made it clear that his wishes were to be respected.

Both Daria and Cassandra had also expressed regret that he would no longer be on the trip with them along with Van Driessen. As for Beavis and Butt-head… they expressed their sorrow in their own little way, mainly through a series of grunts that sounded remotely like laughter and amusement. But deep down, Stewart was sure that the sound coming from them was genuine weeping.

"Look son," Mr. Stevenson said. "I'm sorry I had to do this, but it was for your own good."

"Yeah, I guess…" muttered Stewart.

"Don't worry, honey," Mrs. Stevenson tried to cajole him. "You'll be starting college soon and when you do, you'll find plenty of friends and career opportunities."

"Yeah, but it's still not the same," Stewart said remorsefully. "Those guys were my best friends…"

"I've heard enough," Mr. Stevenson scolded. "It's time you moved up in the world, Stewart. And that means moving on as well! Forget those two and concentrate on the more important things in life!"

"Yes, dad…"

* * *

"Whoa, so Stewart's really gone?" asked Beavis excitedly.

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head replied. "I think so."

"Yes!" Beavis cried. "This rules!"

"Beavis," Van Driessen began. "I don't think now is the time—"

"DA NA NA NA NA! NAH NAH!" the duo began chanting. "DA NA NA NA NA! NAH NAH!"

All across the sidewalk, people stared at the duo as if they had gone mad. Their antics had not gone unnoticed by the general public.

"Don't you guys have any shame?" asked Daria. "After all, you've known Stewart since kindergarten and this may be the last you ever see of him again."

"Uh, so?"

"Yeah, so?" echoed Beavis.

"Nevermind…" Daria rolled her eyes in frustration.

"We should at least take some time to reflect on what Stewart has brought to our group," suggested Cassandra. "After all, he was what kept us together for so long."

"Yes," agreed Van Driessen. "Without him, we may not have come as far as we have now."

"I haven't been on this trip for as long as you guys," Daria told them. "But Stewart was certainly something, I'll give 'em that."

"Yeah, he was a dork!" Butt-head remarked. "Uh huh huh huh!"

"His mom's alright though," Beavis said. "She's got a nice set of hooters, heh heh heh heh heh!"

"His dad was always threatening to beat us up," Butt-head continued.

"I wonder why?" Daria rolled her eyes.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head asked. "Remember that time Stewart told us that he wet his bed?"

"Oh yeah, heh heh," Beavis confirmed. "Wasn't that the time we almost scored with some lonely and horny chick?"

"Uh, I think it was that time **I** scored," Butt-head was quick to correct his companion. "But you never did."

"Really?"

"Yeah, huh huh."

"Well I'll be damned, heh heh…"

* * *

"You know what to do?" Gus Baker spoke in a whispering voice. "Remember that I can't be connected to this."

The silent figure nodded. He was dressed in a camouflage from head to toe. On his side was strapped a pistol, in addition to the sniper rifle he held in both arms. He did not speak at all but merely preferred to express himself through small gestures only. Only those skilled in the art of reading body language could understand him. Fortunately, Gus Baker was one of those men.

"Philadelphia's a large city, but I'm certain a man of your talents can easily find them," Gus Baker continued. "The sum of five million dollars should be deposited to your account come the next three days. If it doesn't, contact me and we'll work it out."

The former radio talk show host cut the connection. The sniper unloaded another cartridge and placed it within his gun. He had one goal now. Gus Baker had contacted him to do a job on two teenage boys that were traveling cross-country with a hippie teacher and three other students. He would now have the opportunity to kill all of them but most importantly, Baker had designated the two teenage boys, Beavis and Butt-head, as his primary targets.

The sniper cocked his gun and chuckled deeply. He had been waiting a long time for this.

* * *

"Stewart…" Mr. Stevenson turned to his son with regret in his eye.

"Listen, dad," Stewart finally said. "I don't know how to put this… but I am my own man now."

"Dear, it's just that your father and I now regret—" Mrs. Stevenson tried to say but Stewart raised a hand up to silence her.

"Look," Stewart told them, straightening his back and looking both parents in the eye. "I appreciate everything you've done for me. And I also appreciate how you've given me everything a growing boy could ever hope for. But you were right, dad. The time has come for me to be my own man. I know I'll have to take more responsibility but it also means I need to step out of your shadow."

For a minute or two, Stewart's parents looked at him with mixed expressions on their faces. Finally, Stewart's father was the first to speak.

"I know, son… I know…"

"Stewart, your father and I also have something to tell you," Mrs. Stevenson said.

"No dear," Mr. Stevenson put a hand on her shoulder. "Let me. It's my fault for this happening."

"What do you mean?" asked Stewart.

"Stewart, your father and I decided to take you back not just because we wanted to get you away from Beavis and Butt-head," Mrs. Stevenson told him.

"We were contacted by Gus Baker," Mr. Stevenson admitted. "We agreed with him that the rest of your group would be assassinated sometime after we took you back."

"What?" Stewart's expression was one of shock. "Why? How could you…?"

"We were afraid of losing you," Mr. Stevenson said. "I… was afraid of losing you, my only son…"

"But Beavis and Butt-head are my best friends…" Stewart looked down.

"I'm sorry, son…" Mr. Stevenson said. "I didn't mean for it to come to this…"

"Well, it doesn't have to!" Stewart stood up resolutely.

"Dear?" Mrs. Stevenson asked.

"It's not too late," Stewart told his parents. "We can make it back in time to save Beavis and Butt-head!"

"I… I don—" Mr. Stevenson said before changing his mind in concession to his son. "Alright… we'll do it."

"That's the spirit, dad!" Stewart said and gave both his parents a hug.

* * *

"Well, we're nearing the end of the day," Van Driessen told the gang inside the hotel room. "Are there any games you guys want to play?"

"Uh, how about strip poker?" suggested Butt-head, eyeing Cassandra hungrily.

"Butt-head, that's not an appropriate game to play, considering we have two ladies in our group," Van Driessen sighed. "Besides, once it gets late, Daria and Cassandra are going to their separate rooms for the night. You two will have to stay with me."

"That sucks," grumbled Beavis.

"Any other suggestions?" asked Van Driessen.

"How about Truth or Dare?" Daria put forth her suggestion.

"Heh heh heh!" Butt-head laughed. "Hey Beavis, I dare you to feel Daria's thingies… if she has any!"

"Ha ha," Daria responded sarcastically.

"Do I get paid for it?" asked Beavis.

"Don't even think about it, Beavis," Butt-head snapped. "You can't expect to make as much as your mom on the first try!"

"Come on, let's just go with truth or dare," Van Driessen sat down and motioned for everyone to sit in a circle around him. "Let's begin with you, Cassandra."

"Truth," Cassandra said.

"Uh, have you ever wanted to do it with Big Poppa Butt-head? Huh huh huh!"

"Do what?" asked Cassandra with a confused look on her face.

"You know… _it_, huh huh huh!"

"Trust me," Daria put a hand on Cassandra's lap. "You don't want to know."

"I suppose not," Cassandra finally gave her answer. "I'm still not quite sure what _it_ is…"

Butt-head looked profoundly disappointed by her answer.

"Alright, your turn, Daria," Van Driessen said.

"Truth," Daria replied quickly. "I don't want to know what kind of dare I'll be offered."

"Okay Daria," Beavis asked. "So have you ever, like, done it?"

Daria had expected a lewd question and answered in kind, mainly to not give Beavis any satisfaction.

"No."

"Told you she was still a career virgin," Butt-head joked.

"Your turn, Beavis," Van Driessen gestured.

"Um… dare," Beavis said without thinking.

Before anyone could dare him, Butt-head was the first to speak out.

"I dare you to stick your wiener inside that electrical socket! Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Um, okay," Beavis said, walking towards the hotel lamp and moving it aside, unplugging it in the process.

"Beavis, I think this is taking it a little too far," Van Driessen got up, concerned.

"Nah, don't worry," Daria told her former teacher. "He'll figure it out the hard way."

"Heh heh heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "_Hard_…"

_To be continued._


	12. Meet the Stevensons Pt 2

**Coming of Age**

_Act XII_

_Meet the Stevensons Pt 2_

"Heh heh heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "This is gonna rule!"

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head encouraged. "Don't be afraid, Beavis. Just do it!"

Van Driessen finally got up. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to put an end to this, guys. It's not safe for you to be doing that, mmkay?"

Before Beavis could pull down his underwear, the door was immediately kicked open with a violent thud. At the entrance was a tough-looking man with a magnum in his hands. He was dressed in a dark camouflage uniform. His face was equally as concealed with a black ski mask covering it almost fully. With a sweeping look of contempt across the room, he gestured to the gang with a simple nod of his gun.

"Who are you?" demanded Van Driessen. "And why are you doing this?"

"Check it out, Beavis!" remarked Butt-head. "That guy has a gun!"

"Yeah!" agreed Beavis. "This guy kicks ass!"

Almost immediately, the gunman slapped his hand to his forehead at the sheer stupidity of the duo.

"I hope you realize this isn't a _good_ thing," Daria whispered to the duo.

"Uh, be quiet, Daria!" Butt-head told her. "Maybe this guy'll let us see his gun!"

"Yeah, um," Beavis walked up to the assassin. "Can I see your gun, sir?"

The gunman gave what appeared to be a long exasperated sigh. After waiting a few seconds for Beavis to get the clue, the sniper finally lost his patience and grabbed Beavis by his shirt, shoving the blonde backwards into Butt-head. The two crashed into each other and fell down simultaneously.

"Ouch," Butt-head got up. "Watch where you're falling, Beavis!"

"I couldn't help it, Butt-head, heh heh heh!"

"No!"

Stewart bust through the door followed by his dad. He tried to attack the assassin but the sniper was too quick. With a simple sidekick, the gunner knocked Stewart aside. Mr. Stevenson then tackled the assassin. After a brief struggle, the assassin lifted Stewart's dad up by his suit and threw him against the wall.

"You're not getting to my friends!" Stewart stood in front of Beavis and Butt-head defiantly.

"I agree," Van Driessen stepped up as well. "You'll have to go through us!"

Mr. Stevenson got up again and charged. The assassin whirled around with a rapid roundhouse kick that knocked the breath out of Stewart's father. Stewart and Van Driessen charged again but the sniper simply grabbed both of them and tossed them aside.

"I should've known it would've been this easy!" the sniper said in a haughty, yet familiar voice.

"Uh, is that Buzzcut?" Butt-head's eyes widened.

The sniper removed his mask to reveal the angry face of Bradley Buzzcut. "You bet your ass it is! If I wanted to kill you, I would've done the job already!"

"I demand to know what's the meaning of this!" Van Driessen declared.

"Stewart, dear…" Mrs. Stevenson peeked through the door cautiously. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, mom… I think."

"I've been sent by the Federal Government to protect your worthless hides!" Buzzcut announced. "So far, it seems you were lucky enough to survive all your altercations with several would-be assassins!"

"Would-be assassins?" asked Van Driessen. "I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"Perhaps I can explain things better," a familiar looking FBI agent walked through the door, carefully followed by Mrs. Stevenson.

"Uh, do we know this guy, Beavis?"

"Hmm, I think we met him in some nudie bar before, Butt-head, heh heh heh."

"Greetings again, Beavis and Butt-head," Agent Bork shook both boys' hands. "It's been a while since we've met. It must feel good getting up every morning knowing that two fine young Americans such as yourselves are contributing to society in a meaningful way."

"Heh heh heh heh, he said _getting up_…"

"Excuse me, sir?" Butt-head asked Flemming. "Can we, like, see your gun?"

"Sure thing, son," Agent Flemming smiled and gave Butt-head his gun.

"Um, are you sure that's such a good idea?" asked Daria.

"Hold your tongue, young lady," Flemming ordered. "These boys deserve to enjoy their rights and privileges to the Second Amendment."

"Check it out, Beavis!" Butt-head held up the gun. "I'm fully loaded, huh huh huh!"

Butt-head aimed the gun towards the window towards a bird in the air. Before he could fire off a shot, Buzzcut quickly yanked the gun out of his hand in disapproval.

"I'm here to warn you folks," Flemming informed everyone. "All those near-death experiences you've had were no coincidence. There's a group of people out there willing to put an end to your lives."

"So what would explain how come so many people have tried to kill us?" asked Cassandra.

"Yes," nodded Flemming. "These people have been led by a depraved individual within Washington DC who organized them together for the sole purpose of putting an end to these fine young boys you see before you."

"Fine young boys my ass," Buzzcut muttered.

"Did you hear that, Beavis?" Butt-head remarked. "We're fine young boys, huh huh huh."

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"They've stolen government equipment from the FBI," Flemming continued. "After planting a bug on your van, they were able to track you to whichever location you went."

"That would explain it!" exclaimed Stewart.

"At first we believed it was Gus Baker in charge because of his political aptitude and the fact that you two humiliated him on his own show years ago," explained Flemming. "But after thorough investigations, we've discovered that the man behind this whole scheme is a nefarious individual by the name of Mr. Lobby. We currently don't have any further information on him as of yet, but rest assured, we'll do our best to apprehend the menace."

"Who could he be?" Cassandra wandered. "I mean, why would anyone want to kill Beavis and Butt-head?"

"Want me to make you a list of reasons?" offered Daria. "It might take me a while but I think I can get it done by tomorrow."

"We've taken the bug off your van already," Flemming informed Van Driessen. "From now on, you should be safe. But Agent Buzzcut will be keeping an eye on you for the duration of the trip, just in case."

"No way!" Beavis protested. "I don't Buzzcut looking at me in the showers!"

"Agent Buzzcut will be guarding this hotel for tonight until sunrise," Flemming assured them. "Have a good night, folks."

* * *

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head told his companion while lying down uncomfortably. "You awake yet?"

It was seven o'clock in the morning. Van Driessen, at the moment, was still asleep. Daria and Cassandra were also in their respective rooms as well.

"Yeah, heh heh," Beavis replied. "I couldn't sleep too well."

"You think Buzzcut's still watching us?" asked Butt-head.

"I dunno," Beavis said uncertainly. "That FBI dude said he would keep an eye on us, heh heh."

"Think he's got hidden cameras in this room?" Butt-head chuckled. "Huh huh huh…"

"Probably," Beavis said. "Let's get out of here."

"Good idea, Beavis," Butt-head agreed.

The two boys got up and dressed up quickly. In no time at all, they had slipped through the doors without Van Driessen noticing.

* * *

"I just want to know that I'm proud of you, Stewart," Mr. Stevenson gave his son a hug. "You're learning to take charge and stand up for yourself."

"Yes dear," Mrs. Stevenson joined in on the hug. "I never imagined the day our dear little Stewart would become a man."

For a moment, it looked like Mr. Stevenson was about ready to cry. But for the sake of staying strong for his son, he choked back the tears that were threatening to overwhelm his eyeballs. He merely embraced his son in a deeper hug. Mrs. Stevenson, however, did allow the tears to cascade down her face.

"It's so hard to let go…" Mrs. Stevenson confessed.

"I'll be alright, mom… dad," Stewart told them. "I'm a grown boy now. I can handle myself…"

"Promise me that whatever happens, you'll come back to us," Mr. Stevenson requested. "And that you'll be the man I've always wanted you to be!"

"I promise dad," Stewart sword. "I promise…"

After a final hug with his parents, Stewart walked away from them. Whatever the future brought, he was determined that he would stay strong for them and himself. Going directly towards the room of Beavis and Butt-head, Stewart was surprised to find the door was still open. Looking inside, he saw a very panicked Van Driessen.

"Where could they be?" fretted Van Driessen. "They were here with me last night!"

"Beavis and Butt-head are missing?" gasped Stewart.

* * *

Though it was still early in the morning, Beavis and Butt-head were walking through downtown Philadelphia together, bored from their lack of excitement recently. Neither of them really understood what the current situation with Federal Agents involved.

"This summer's really screwed up," Butt-head remarked. "It's like there's all these dorks trying to kill us. Then we've got Buzzcut sneaking peaks at us in the shower."

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis chuckled. "With his hidden camera!"

"That's not even funny, Beavis," Butt-head retorted. "Remember all those times Buzzcut tried to make us take showers in the gym?"

"Oh yeah," Beavis nodded. "I remember that."

"Why do you think he wanted us to take showers so bad?" asked Butt-head.

"Um, we were dirty?" Beavis offered.

"Uh, oh yeah," Butt-head acknowledged. "We did step in a lot of dog crap."

"There was also that one time I got blood all over me," Beavis reminded his friend.

"But think about it Beavis," Butt-head told him. "Why else would Buzzcut want us in the shower so badly?"

"Um, I dunno," Beavis finally confessed.

"Then he said we had to take off our underwear to take a shower," Butt-head said. "Remember that?"

"Yeah…" Beavis replied, not liking where the conversation was headed.

"Why would Buzzcut want us to undress so much?"

"He's, um, messed up in the head?" Beavis responded nervously.

"More than that, Beavis," Butt-head emphasized the point. "More than that!"

"Okay Butt-head, heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "I think I've heard enough!"

"I think I've made my point," Butt-head smiled. "Now let's go get some breakfast!"

* * *

After getting their drinks and Philly cheesesteaks, the duo walked back to their hotel room.

On the way, however, they saw the local Vietnam Memorial erected in honor of all the soldiers in the past who had fought in that conflict. Admission standards seemed to be lax, being only two dollars per person.

"Whoa Butt-head!" Beavis stopped his companion. "We gotta go see this! There's, like, a bunch of dead dudes in here!"

"Uh, don't we have to make it back before Van Driessen starts crying like a wuss?"

"I'm serious, Butt-head!" Beavis insisted. "Maybe we can, like, dig some dead guy up! It'll be like that Megadeth song, _Wake the Dead_!"

"Hmm," Butt-head's head seemed to be devising a devious plan. "You've made a believer out of me, Beavis."

The two of them walked into the cemetery after paying the fee. Since it was still early in the morning, neither of them saw any people there.

"So where are we gonna start?" asked Beavis.

"Remember Eddie from Iron Maiden?"

"Um, yeah."

"We need to find some dead dude who looks like him," Butt-head replied. "Then he can, like, be our mascot when we form our own band someday!"

"Wanna start here?" Beavis pointed towards a small tombstone.

"Yeah, let's wake the dead! Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

The two boys bent down and began digging the dirt away with their hands. Soon enough, however, a loud booming voice was enough to make them stop.

"WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

"Uh oh," Butt-head didn't dare turn around. "Is that who I think it is?"

Two rough hands grabbed Beavis and Butt-head by the scruff of their necks and yanked them away from the tombstone. The duo looked up fearfully to see a towering, enraged Buzzcut standing before them with a nasty glare on his face. He looked as if he was ready to give the two the beating of a lifetime just because of what they had been doing.

"How DARE you desecrate the memorials of these brave men and women?" screamed Buzzcut.

"Uhh, we were trying to wake the dead?" Butt-head offered weakly.

"Actually, sir," Beavis said with a bit more courage. "We were trying to find a mascot."

"A MASCOT?" Buzzcut's eyes almost seemed to pop out of their sockets.

"Hey Butt-head," Beavis turned to his friend. "Do dead guys get stiffies?"

"Uh, I think they only get those if they die just as they get a boner."

"Do you have any idea what you were doing?" demanded Buzzcut, who forced himself to stop shouting even louder than he was used to.

"It was Beavis's idea!" Butt-head pointed the finger to his companion.

"Come with me!" Buzzcut ordered. This time, the two did not dare disobey him.

They walked with Buzzcut until the former gym teacher came up to several tombstones marked with what seemed like full honors. The expression on Buzzcut's face had changed now. The usual anger and hatred on his face was gone, only to be replaced with a look of sorrow and dignity.

"I came to pay respect to my fellow soldiers," admitted Buzzcut. "It's been so many years but I'll still never forget the horrors they had to endure."

Neither Beavis nor Butt-head spoke.

"We were young army draftees back then," Buzzcut continued. "Most of us were too young and too stupid to know any better! In fact, my companions weren't all that different from you two."

"Uh, okay," Butt-head said plainly.

"We fought hard and well in the Vietnam War," Buzzcut explained. "Eventually, the Vietcong proved to be too much for us with their guerrilla tactics. Soon enough, the war ended for us. We lost a lot of good men that day. Even worse, I lost a lot of good friends…"

Buzzcut cleared his throat after looking like he was about to start crying.

"The point is, these brave men gave their lives to give you the freedom you have today. Don't screw it up by being pathetic losers the rest of your lives!"

"Was Buzzcut about to cry?" Beavis asked Butt-head.

"It looked like it, dude!"

"I'll let your transgressions for today slide," warned Buzzcut. "I'm going to give Van Driessen a call and inform him I found you two."

"So what now, Butt-head?" asked Beavis.

"I dunno," Butt-head shrugged. "Guess this means we can't dig up a dead dude."

"That sucks," Beavis said disappointedly.

"Yeah, let's just finish up our breakfast already so we can get back," Butt-head agreed.

Deciding to pull a cruel prank on his companion, Beavis stuck out his foot just as Butt-head took a step forward. Butt-head yelped in surprise and fell, his Philly cheesesteak splattered all over the tombstone, as did the spilt drink. Laughing uncontrollably, Beavis pointed his finger towards Butt-head as he chuckled.

"Vinnie!" Buzzcut screamed.

Beavis backed away slowly as Buzzcut looked down upon Butt-head with a murderous glint in his eyes.

"You know," Buzzcut told Butt-head calmly. "I should inform you that after high school graduation, you are considered a legal adult and thus, are responsible for your own actions."

"Uh, huh huh, whoops…"

"Better yet," Buzzcut cracked his knuckles sadistically. "You're no longer one of my students!"

* * *

"Hey guys," Beavis walked back into the hotel reception room where Van Driessen and the gang were. "I'm back."

"Beavis!" Van Driessen crossed his arms. "Just where have you and Butt-head been?"

"If I didn't know any better," stated Daria. "I'd say they were early birds trying to _get the worm_."

"Heh heh heh heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "We were gonna flog the worm too…"

"You guys okay?" Stewart got up. "My parents left a while ago. They wished you the best."

"Yes," Cassandra nodded. "The conflict between Stewart and his parents has been resolved."

"When are we gonna go?" Beavis asked. "This town's getting boring already."

"We were going to go now, as a matter of fact," replied Van Driessen. "But where is Butt-head?"

His question was immediately answered as the door flung open and the broken and battered body of Butt-head was knocked inside, courtesy of a large boot to the rear.

"Ouch, huh huh huh…" Butt-head moaned.

"Maybe you'll think twice next time before you desecrate the grave of a fallen soldier!" Buzzcut barked.

"Oh my," Van Driessen looked down with a horrified glance. "Was that really necessary, Bradley?"

"You weren't there to witness what he did!" Buzzcut replied angrily. "He desecrated the grave of one of my companions! I wasn't about to let it slide!"

"That was unnecessary though!" Van Driessen said. "There were better ways to teach Butt-head that what he did was inappropriate!"

"Like you'd be able to discipline the little monster!"

As the argument between Van Driessen and Buzzcut went back and forth, Beavis walked over to Butt-head and began prodding his fallen friend with his foot.

"Cut it out, Beavis!" Butt-head moaned, still bruised and beaten up.

"This is cool, heh heh heh!"

"Damn it, Beavis!" Butt-head warned. "When I feel better, I'm gonna kick your ass!"

Seizing the opportunity, Beavis kicked Butt-head in the ribs, much to his own amusement. After a moment's glance, Beavis realized that his soft drink was still half full. A cunning plan quickly came to his mind.

"Open wide!" Beavis took the remaining half of his drink and spilled it all over Butt-head's fallen form. Butt-head groaned in protest but could not move, due to the beating Buzzcut had administered to him.

"Um, why's Beavis doing that?" asked Stewart. "I thought he was best friends with Butt-head."

"You'll find out when you get older, Stewart," Daria patted him on the shoulder.


	13. The Swan Song of Burger World

**Coming of Age**

_Act XIII – The Swan Song of Burger World_

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head looked out the window of Van Driessen's van. "See that dude over there?"

"Yeah, heh heh, he looks like a bum!"

"Hmm, it looks like a hitchhiker," Van Driessen acknowledged. "And he looks like he's lost."

"Wait a minute, that guy looks familiar," Stewart pointed out.

"He does?" asked Beavis.

"Actually he does," Butt-head took a closer look as the van got closer. "I think he's some fat dude we know."

"Really?" Beavis looked surprised.

"Whoa, it's that manager dude!" Butt-head exclaimed.

"He's your manager?" asked Van Driessen. "I'd better pull over for a second."

The van pulled over on the highway to make a stop for the man. Van Driessen was the first to step out, followed by Butt-head and the rest.

"Uh, is that you?" asked Butt-head bluntly.

The man turned to face them. He was a chubby individual with curly hair and a mustache on his face, followed closely by stubs on his chin from lack of shaving recently. He wore a Burger World uniform and from the likes of his present situation, it had not gone into a washer and dryer for quite a while. His hair was unkempt and messy and his overall appearance was that of a total wreck. Despite all this, he was still recognizable to his two employees.

"Whoa, it really is that manager dude!" Beavis cried.

"Uh, what're you, like, doing out here?" asked Butt-head.

Before the manager could answer, a large black car from behind them stopped. Buzzcut stepped out looking angrier and more irritated than before. As part of his mission, he trailed the gang from behind to keep them safe.

"What in the hell is going on here?" demanded Buzzcut. "How many more bathroom stops do you two idiots need to make?"

"Actually Bradley," Van Driessen informed. "This is for something different."

"Come to gloat at my misfortunes, I see," the Burger World manager groaned. "As if my life couldn't get any worse!"

"You look like a dirty bum!" Butt-head pointed out.

"Yeah, heh heh!" chuckled Beavis. "Take a shower, hippie!"

"That's not funny!" insisted the manager. "I've had to close down the business finally due to lack of customers and it's all your fault!"

"Excuse me, sir," Stewart asked. "But what happened?"

The Burger World manager saw Stewart and recognized him. He had been friends with Mr. Stevenson, who was a semi-regular customer at Burger World until it got progressively worse with Beavis and Butt-head screwing up orders to the nth degree.

"Oh, it's you Stewart," the manager seemed to calm down visibly. "Well, I guess I should say it all began the day I hired these two bumbling morons. Back then, the business was just starting and I had to accept whatever help I could get at the time. I made the mistake of choosing these two!"

"Lately, health inspections took one final look at the restaurant and declared that it was unsuitable for business," he continued. "I've been blacklisted from ever working for a Burger World again."

"Yeah, Burger World sucks!" Butt-head agreed. "Who'd wanna work at that place?"

"Apparently you," Daria pointed out.

"Shut up, Diarrhea!" Beavis told her. "We were just there for the drinks, heh heh heh!"

"Even my own family refuses to talk to me now," the manager broke down. "How am I supposed to carry on now that my life's ruined?"

"You could just get another job," Butt-head said tactlessly. "Uh, huh huh huh!"

"Why you little—" the former Burger World manager finally lost it and grabbed Butt-head by the neck.

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis egged him on. "Choke him! Choke him!"

Before Butt-head could run out of breath, Buzzcut grabbed on to the former manager and yanked him off, throwing him to the ground.

"As much as I'd like to see Butt-head get his ass kicked, I'm afraid I'll have to restrain you from doing so," explained Bradley Buzzcut who took out his Federal Agent badge. "You see, I'm under special orders to protect these two."

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

The manager looked at the duo with narrowed eyes.

"Besides… nobody kicks their asses but me," Buzzcut added quietly when he was sure nobody heard him.

"Are you alright?" Cassandra asked the manager. "Is there anything you need?"

"I need my life back," the Burger World manager muttered bitterly.

"If you want, we could drive you to the next town," Van Driessen offered. "We're going there to stop for food and gas."

"There's no way I'm getting in the car with those two!" the manager replied furiously.

"Actually," Buzzcut grabbed Beavis and Butt-head by their collars. "I have a good arrangement planned for you."

* * *

The new arrangement was made for the next forty five minutes before they could reach the upcoming town. Beavis and Butt-head sat in the back of Buzzcut's car while the former Burger World manager sat in the front.

"Are you two ready to apologize for ruining this man's life?" demanded Buzzcut.

"Uh, what?" asked Butt-head.

"Um, what're we gonna apologize for?" Beavis questioned.

The manager sighed. "Can't we just drop these little jerks off on the side of the road?"

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "He said _jerk off_!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"You know," the manager glanced back. "You only had to work for 15 hours a week. Why couldn't you make the most out of that time?"

"Um, I was too busy picking my nose?" Beavis offered.

"Yeah, then Beavis flicked his boogers onto the fryer!" Butt-head recalled.

"That's exactly why Burger World was declared unsanitary," the manager rolled his eyes and readjusted his glasses. "You two found every excuse you could to not work diligently!"

"Uh, it was Beavis's fault," Butt-head shifted the blame onto his companion. "He was always messing around with the meat."

"No way, Butt-head," protested Beavis. "You were the one who put that rat in Anderson's burger."

"You put a RAT in someone's BURGER?" the manager yelped.

"Uh, one time there was also a roach," Butt-head recalled.

"Are you sure we can't pull over?" the manager asked Buzzcut. "Then I can throttle these idiots with my bare hands?"

"I ain't stopping until we get to the next town," replied Buzzcut. "But by all means, continue telling Beavis and Butt-head what failures they are at life."

* * *

"How do you think Beavis and Butt-head are doing?" asked Stewart. "Think they've made up with their manager yet?"

"I have my doubts," Daria replied.

"Why is that?" asked Van Driessen.

"Well, for one thing," explained Daria. "Beavis and Butt-head were never model students. That kind of attitude carries on into the workplace."

"Why is it that every time, you have something negative to say about my friends?" demanded Stewart.

Daria sighed. "Can't you tell they're just taking advantage of you?"

"Well maybe sometimes they do it a little," Stewart finally admitted. "But does that mean you should keep up your negative attitude about them?"

"Stewart," Daria began. "I'm only being truthful about them."

"I swear, you have this attitude all the time," Stewart allowed a flicker of frustration to show. "You always have to say something cynical or condescending. Can't you loosen up for once? See the dark cloud's silver lining?"

"To paraphrase Popeye," Daria told Stewart plainly. "I am what I am."

It was then that Stewart realized he had gone too far with that accusation. He didn't even know everything there was to know about Daria and here he was, passing judgment on her. Deep down, he felt a bit ashamed.

"Well," Stewart finally said in an attempt to be reconciliatory. "Is there something about Beavis and Butt-head that you think is positive?"

"Actually yes," Daria told him truthfully. "I admire the fact that through thick and through thin, they stay true to themselves in the face of change. They stare Zeitgeist in the face and laugh. For that, they've earned the respect of yours truly."

"Zeitgeist?" asked Stewart.

"It means the spirit of the ages," Cassandra translated for Stewart. "No matter how much the times change or how life moves on, both Beavis and Butt-head have had their feet rooted deeply into the ground like ancient red oak trees in the face of the changing world around them."

Van Driessen, Stewart, and Daria all paused for a minute. Because Van Driessen was driving, he could not turn back. Stewart and Daria, however, stared at Cassandra in awe, clearly not expecting such insight from her. Cassandra noticed this too.

"Whatever the case," she went on. "I know that Beavis and Butt-head are not bad people deep down. Had they had the chance to grow up in a normal, loving family, their lives would surely be different today. And even now, despite their background, it's a miracle they haven't ended up like Todd. The seeds they've sown into this Earth weren't fresh seeds, but were never truly evil either. In time, I believe karma will serve Beavis and Butt-head the justice and the happiness they deserve."

"Umm…. you want to comment on that?" Daria looked at Stewart, a little shocked from what Cassandra had said.

"Er, not really," Stewart said. "How about you?"

"I'm good."

* * *

After the forty five minutes had passed, Buzzcut pulled his car up shortly behind Van Driessen's van. All this time, he had had enough of the constant laughter and snickering he heard from the duo. The former Burger World manager was also in the same boat as he ran out of the car and bolted for the nearby bar.

"Nothing to say for yourselves?" Buzzcut closed the door to his car.

"Uh, can we, like, get some food now?" asked Butt-head.

"Yeah, I'm hungry!" Beavis noticed Van Driessen, Stewart, Daria, and Cassandra entering into the local dinery.

"You two are gonna starve for as long as it takes until you realize the error of your ways!" Buzzcut glared at the two coldly.

"This sucks!" Butt-head declared.

"Yeah, I wanted to get some nachos…" Beavis looked down at his rumbling stomach.

"You two wait here!" Buzzcut ordered. "I'm going into the gas station to buy some spare parts."

After Buzzcut had left, Butt-head looked at Beavis with a cunning idea in mind.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head gestured towards the bar the Burger World manager had gone into. "Let's go to that bar! I think we can, like, drink now or something."

"Okay, heh heh heh!"

* * *

"Whoa!" exclaimed Butt-head. "This place kicks ass!"

To both boys, the bar was an amazing sight. Around them were drunken alcoholics, strippers who hung across the poles, and suspicious-looking biker gangs. To the very corner was the Burger World manager, drinking himself silly with the money he had gathered from panhandling.

"Um, could we have a drink, sir?" Beavis sat down at the bar.

"Can I see some ID, please?" asked the bartender.

"Uhh, we left it back home," Butt-head told him.

"What?" the bartender was surprised. "Then no drinks!"

"Damn it!" Beavis ordered. "Give us the drinks, asswipe!"

"Hey AJ!" the bartender shouted to a particularly vicious looking man who sat at a nearby table with three gang members. "We've got ourselves some youngin's who refuse to show me some ID!"

"Well, whaddya know," AJ got up. He was a 6'2 man with a goatee that hung on his face like a tattoo across his chin. Spikes were adorned across the bands he wore and a leather jacket complimented his muscular body. AJ walked towards the two, followed up by his three gang members.

"Look what we have here," AJ grabbed Beavis by the collar. "Some little punk who refuses to pay the piper?"

"Actually, I like to _play my piper_, heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled.

AJ was not amused. He threw Beavis onto the table with one quick fling. His followers turned their attention to Butt-head. They grabbed him and threw him to the ground mercilessly. AJ turned to Beavis and punched him viciously, knocking the blonde to the floor. AJ's gang then proceeded to beat Butt-head down, kicking him as he was on the ground.

"Uhhhhh!" groaned Butt-head.

"Aaahhh! Help!" Beavis cried.

"Huh huh! You're getting your ass kicked!" Butt-head chuckled briefly before getting punched across the face. "Uhhhhh!"

"You are too, butthole!" Beavis shouted back before being punched in the gut by an angry AJ.

"Aww, poor little boy gonna cry for his mommy?" AJ held Beavis up, taunting him.

Two of AJ's gang held Beavis tightly as the other one grabbed a beer bottle and poured beer on top of Butt-head's head. All the while, the drunken Burger World manager looked at Beavis and Butt-head with an indiscernible expression across his face, as if recalling all the moments he had in the past with Beavis and Butt-head.

A myriad of things were going through the mind of the former Burger World manager as he remembered all the times he had before with the duo. He remembered all the times Beavis and Butt-head had shown up late for work. He remembered all the money they had cost him because of their incompetence. He remembered all the times they nearly got Burger World shut down because of their unhygienic ways. He remembered all the times they had gotten themselves and even him injured because of their misinterpretation of the concept of worker's compensation. He remembered all the pain, misery, suffering, and agony they had inflicted upon him and his business.

But then he remembered something else. He remembered how the two had worked for him since their freshman year and how they had stuck with their part-times jobs for all of high school. He remembered the times they had given up on Holiday breaks to stay at the restaurant for overnight shifts. Most importantly, he remembered how Beavis and Butt-head had stayed and worked for him when nobody else would.

"Well, time to teach you boys the real lesson," AJ took out a pair of brass knuckles as he looked at thoroughly pummeled Beavis.

"Heh heh heh heh heh," Beavis chuckled. "That hurt…"

"Uh, I think I broke my hip bone," Butt-head moaned as the gang members placed him in a chokehold. "Huh huh huh…"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!" a drunken rage soon rang out, with all the fury of a madman, who had been consumed by a seething anger that also had the desire to avenge the great injustice being committed.

As AJ turned around to see what it was, a chair smashed down on his head, knocking him head over heels to the floor. Standing over him was the former Burger World manager, with looks that could kill.

"Don't… you… lay… a hand… on… my…. Boys…." the Burger World manager spat angrily.

"Get him!" the gang members dropped Butt-head and attacked the Burger World manager.

Very quickly, the manager grabbed onto the two legs of the chair and smashed it down on one of the gang members, taking him out of the fight early on. He then picked up a stool and smashed it over the head of another. The final thug rushed the manager but got knocked out as soon as the manager smashed into his face, not bothering to pull his punches.

"Hey, you can't do that!" the bartender protested. "Those boys needed to be taught a lesson!"

"Shut up, you!" the Burger World manager spun around and grabbed his face, slamming the bartender nose-first into the wood.

AJ got up and picked up an unopened beer bottle. Without hesitation, he brought it down and smashed it onto the former Burger World manager's head, knocking him to the ground.

"You're screwed up, man!" AJ yelled, now bleeding from his forehead from the injury the manager had given him a few seconds ago. "Now I'm gonna show you who's boss!"

"Think again, hooligan!"

Buzzcut punched AJ across the jaw. Again and again, he laid into AJ with heavy blows until the bald man fell to the floor, unable to take the punishment being dished out to him by the former US Marine.

"Uh oh," Butt-head crawled back up. "It's Buzzcut!"

"I had a feeling I'd find you idiots in this seedy bar!" Buzzcut barked.

* * *

In a matter of minutes, the police had arrived. They took away AJ, his gang, and the bartender in handcuffs. Van Driessen and the others had come just in time to see what was going on.

"Uh, I'm gonna be feeling that for a while," Butt-head said, still bandaged up on his left arm.

"Yeah, heh heh, these guys probably kicked our asses harder than Todd's gang…" Beavis agreed.

"Guys," Van Driessen looked at the two sternly. "I hope this has taught you an important lesson."

"There's no need," the former Burger World manager said to Van Driessen. "Whatever happens, these boys need to find their own path in life. And no amount of scolding will change it. I see that now."

"What will you do from now on?" asked Van Driessen.

"Oh, my manager can explain," the former Burger World manager told him.

The man in the cowboy hat next to the manager decided to introduce himself. "Hi folks, my name's Jimmy Aderhold and I'm a promoter the Jonestown Wrestling Circuit. Your friend here really impressed me with his demonstration in that bar. I've offered him a gig as the Amazing Mucho in my wrestling federation!"

"Whoa!" Butt-head exclaimed. "You're gonna be a pro wrestler now?"

The ex-Burger World manager nodded, smiling.

"That kicks ass!" Beavis agreed.

"Yeah, maybe you're a pretty cool dude after all," Butt-head told his former manager.

"That means a lot, boys," their ex-manager shook their hands. "I want you to know what whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck in life for whatever you want to do. I know you'll make something of yourselves because I believe in you."

"Uh, thanks, huh huh."

"Yeah, heh heh, thanks."

"Now if you'll excuse me," the former Burger World manager said and walked off with Aderhold. "I have to go check out my new costume."

"Imagine that," Daria said. "Karma really did make a clean sweep of things."

"Uh, I thought Karma was a bitch," Butt-head remarked.

"Like I said," Cassandra explained. "The wheel of life is ever-turning. The universe eventually unravels on its own and shows us just what we're destined for."

"Wow," Stewart looked at the former Burger World manager changing into his new, over-sized spandex suit. "I guess things really do happen for a reason."

"Yeah, like me kicking Butt-head's ass on Broadway, heh heh heh!"

"Shut up, Beavis! That was a fluke and you know it!"

"Wanna bet, bunghole?"

"Gladly, fartknocker!"

Beavis tackled Butt-head and took them both to the ground. As the duo wrestled with each other despite the bruising they had received from the bar fight, the other members of the gang could only watch in awe.

"Think we should pull them apart?" Daria looked at Buzzcut, who appeared rather amused by the sight of the two fighting on the ground.

"Well, let me think about it," Buzzcut smiled before looking back at Daria.

"I'm gonna kick your ass, buttlick!" Beavis grabbed Butt-head in a chokehold.

"Nah!" Daria and Buzzcut echoed at the same time.

**Author's Note:** I'm sure some of you remember the Burger World manager. He could actually be considered a semi-regular to the show the same way Mr. Stevenson was. The only problem is that throughout the whole show's run, they never actually gave him a name. That presents problems when writing a story about him but I still decided to include him since he played an integral part in being their boss.


	14. Harry and the Andersons

**Coming of Age**

_Harry and the Andersons_

"You know, Marcy," Tom Anderson flipped the burger up. "It's good that we can enjoy the great outdoors on a beautiful day like this."

"Yes dear," Marcy Anderson nodded.

"The best part is that we're away from Highland for the summer," continued Anderson, "away from those two rascals who always seem to find some way to ruin things for me."

"You should get your mind off those two hoodlums," Mrs. Anderson recommended. "It has been a while since they've done anything."

"Yeah, you're probably right, honey," Anderson agreed. "Strange thing though, it's like they suddenly vanished off the face of the Earth."

"I'm sure even those boys have to take time off for something," Mrs. Anderson told her husband.

"Yeah, to wreak havoc in some other town no doubt," Anderson turned off the grill to allow it to cool off. "But now that we're out here, it's probably time for us to reflect on the good things we've been granted in life."

"Oh yes, Tom," Marcy Anderson nodded. "I remember the first time we met before in the big war. So many other young girls wrote 'Dear John' letters to their husbands back during that time but I always knew you'd come back to me."

"That's what I love about you dear," Anderson acknowledged. "You know your duty to both your country and your husband."

"It's why our marriage was able to stay so strong dear," Mrs. Anderson gave her husband a kiss on the cheek.

Tom Anderson walked away towards the camper to find the fishing supplies he had brought for the trip. After fumbling through his luggage, he found his materials and stepped out to find out that something was deathly wrong with the catch that he had gotten from the lake yesterday.

"Say," Anderson squinted his eyes carefully. "Weren't there supposed to be eight fishes hanging from the tree?"

"I'm not sure, dear," Mrs. Anderson admitted. "You came back with a good amount of fish so I didn't keep track."

"Hmm, from the looks of it, there's only two of 'em left," Anderson concluded.

"What do you suppose happened to them, Tom?" asked Mrs. Anderson. "Was it a bear?"

"No Marcy," Tom Anderson huffed. "I tell ya… It was that damn Bigfoot, that's who!"

* * *

"This is awesome!" Stewart took a chomp out of his marshmallows. "I get to go camping with my two great buddies again!"

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head grimaced. "Camping with Stewart sucks!"

"Yeah, now we have to camp with Diarrhea too!" added Beavis.

"So, you two have already been in the great outdoors?" asked Daria.

"Yeah," Butt-head told her. "We let nature take its course, huh huh huh!"

"Butt-head," Buzzcut glared at the young man through chomps of his hot dog. "If you dare make any phallic or excretory joke, I swear to God almighty I will come over there and personally kick your ass!"

"Uh… okay," gulped Butt-head.

Beavis, on the other hand, was fiddling with the fire using a stick he had picked up. Whatever was in the flames fascinated him deeply. Unfortunately, that same obsession had also caused him dozens of injuries before, most of which he had never taken the time to learn his lesson from.

"Aaaaahhhhh!" Beavis cried as he stuck his finger in too close.

Holding his burnt finger, Beavis fell back and tripped over the log Van Driessen sat on.

"Uh, be careful with the wood," Butt-head recommended. "Huh huh, _wood_…"

"Beavis, you really need to be more careful!" Van Driessen chastised. "You could have gotten yourself seriously injured!"

"I know, heh heh heh!" Beavis chuckled.

"Don't try to coddle him," Buzzcut told Van Driessen. "Let the boy learn his life lessons… the hard and painful way!"

"With all due respect, Bradley," Van Driessen replied. "Don't you think you should show a bit more concern for the safety of your former students?"

"I do care about their safety," Buzzcut said plainly. "My job assignment was to keep these two alive. It didn't say anything about rolling out the red carpet and giving them five-star treatment!"

"Did they teach you to have such an attitude in the Marine Corps?" asked Van Driessen.

"As a matter of fact, they did!" Buzzcut emphasized.

"Oh boy," Daria sighed. "Get ready for another argument between Van Driessen and Buzzcut."

Van Driessen did not back down. "Bradley, if you'd only show these boys some concern and friendship, they may show you more respect in the future."

"Ha! A likely outcome!" scoffed Buzzcut. "And what respect have they ever given you?"

"I suppose in their own way, they have given me respect," Van Driessen replied. "I have, as a matter of fact, participated in more extracurricular activities with these two than you have!"

"And you're saying I haven't spent my fair share disciplining them?" Buzzcut raised an eyebrow.

"I'm not so sure detention counts as extracurricular," Van Driessen pointed out.

"Back then, hippies like you would've been arrested for treason!" Buzzcut glared at his co-worker. "Promoting a subversive agenda such as yours!"

"You know," Van Driessen said angrily. "This attitude of yours is exactly what I marched against back in college!"

"Only because true men like myself were out there fighting for your rights to promote your free-love agenda!" Buzzcut shot back. "Without us, you wouldn't have these so-called rights!"

"I beg to differ," Van Driessen corrected. "I'm well aware of what rights I'm given by the Constitution!"

"You might want to grab your sleeping bag, guys," Daria told Cassandra and Stewart. "This could go on for all night."

"Uh, what could go on all night?" Butt-head asked Daria innocently.

"I think she's talking about Buzzcut and Van Driessen making out all night, heh heh heh!"

"You guys read _way_ too much into things, you know?" asked Daria.

* * *

Daria had been correct in her estimations. The argument between Van Driessen and Buzzcut did last all night. By the end, both were simply tired of having to deal with each other, the two of them heading off to their separate respective tents. By that time, the entire gang had fallen asleep and by now, the morning sun had risen.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head peered at his friend from his sleeping bag. "Did you hear something outside?"

"Um, sounds like some dude walking around," Beavis blinked.

The two of them were still a bit sleepy. Curiosity, however, managed to win them over.

"Think it's some bear, Butt-head?" asked Beavis as he crawled out of the tent.

"Would a bear sound like your mom?"

"Um, come to think of it," Beavis scratched his chin, "… yeah!"

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Maybe we can go say hi to your mom!"

The two got up finally and walked away from their tent towards the direction of where they heard the noise. Soon enough, they walked away from the trail as well, the trail where they had been advised to stay on by the park rangers. This, however, did not seem to bother either of them too much.

"So, like, was that a raccoon?" asked Beavis.

"Beavis, you buttlick!" Butt-head chastised. "We'll know when we find out! Now quit being so impatient!"

"Hey Butt-head," asked Beavis once more. "So why do you think, like, Van Driessen and Buzzcut were fighting?"

"Uh, I dunno," Butt-head said simply. "Probably because Van Driessen's a dirty hippie, huh huh huh!"

"Think Buzzcut makes him get in the showers?" Beavis chuckled. "Heh heh heh heh heh…"

"Beavis, you need to get your head out of the gutter," suggested Butt-head. "And that's coming from me, huh huh huh!"

"Don't you also need to take your head out?" asked Beavis.

"No, my head's fine where it is," replied Butt-head.

"You mean up your butthole?" asked Beavis. "Heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

* * *

"Where could they have gone?" Van Driessen searched around the campsite. "It's not like them to walk off like this."

"Actually, it is like them," Daria pointed out.

"They should be okay, right?" asked Stewart.

"I think so," Cassandra nodded. "They always find a way to come back to us."

"I'd sure hope not," Buzzcut muttered.

"Bradley, with that kind of attitude, you're never going to complete your mission to your satisfaction," scolded Van Driessen.

"You don't have to tell me twice!" Buzzcut snapped. "If I don't find those two and keep them alive, there goes my chance of a promotion!"

"For your sake, I hope there's more to this than your job," Van Driessen heaved a sigh. "These are two young men who have grown up alongside us in Highland. Shouldn't you be a bit more concerned?"

"As much as I'd like to see a hippie take on a marine, shouldn't we be finding Beavis and Butt-head first?" asked Daria.

"Yeah, they could be lost or something," added Stewart.

"Very well," Buzzcut glared at Van Driessen. "But just remember, my new career comes before those two idiots!"

"Buzzcut sure is mad," whispered Stewart.

"Just how many more classes did he have with the duo for the rest of high school?" asked Daria.

"Oh, he's had them every year," Stewart answered.

"No wonder he's this jaded," said Daria.

"Mr. Buzzcut had a bit of a relief during senior year," Cassandra noted. "He only had them for one class that time."

"That would explain everything," Daria smirked.

* * *

"Hey Beavis, check it out!" Butt-head pointed to the ground.

"Um, what'd you suppose that is?" asked Beavis.

"Uh, whatever it is, it's too big to be your mom, huh huh huh!"

"Maybe she's gained weight?" suggested Beavis. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

The two stared down at the giant footprints made in the ground. Whatever made it was uncommonly large. The footprints led away further into the woods, forming a path of giant marks on the foliage. This was enough to pique the curiosity of both Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis, in particular, was interested in the creature.

"What do you think made these, Butt-head?" asked Beavis.

"Hmm, let's go find out," Butt-head suggested.

"Good idea, heh heh!"

The two followed the trail of giant footprints, leading them to a nearby lake. Nearby, there was a trailer that the duo could see in the distance.

"Cool, a lake!" exclaimed Butt-head.

"Hey Butt-head, doesn't that camper look familiar?" asked Beavis.

"Hmm, kinda," Butt-head replied. "Maybe they got some food we could have."

"Yeah, let's go check it out," Beavis walked up front.

As Beavis got ahead a few steps, Butt-head grabbed a pile of mud near the lake and threw it, striking Beavis in the back of his head.

"Damn it, asswipe!" yelled Beavis. "I'm gonna get you for that!"

"Come and try, Beavis!" Butt-head began sprinting away. "Huh huh huh huh huh!"

Beavis chased his companion into the woods once more.

"Can't catch me, Beavis!" Butt-head called out.

Not watching where he was stepping, Butt-head tripped over a root and fell face-down into a large pool of mud. Soon to follow him was Beavis. The blonde fell in almost the same way as Butt-head, splashing the two of them in even more mud.

"Damn it!" Butt-head cursed. "This sucks!"

"Cool, mud" Beavis laughed. "Heh heh heh!"

"Now you got it all over me, bunghole!"

"You threw mud at me first!"

Butt-head was the first to get up. "I think we're, like, lost now."

A shotgun blast struck the tree branch next to him and sent splinters flying everywhere. Both boys turned around to see an irate Tom Anderson with gun in hand and an expression of loathing. At this moment, both Beavis and Butt-head were drenched from head to toe in mud.

"I got you now, ya damn Bigfoot!" Anderson growled. "And it looks like there's two of ya!"

* * *

"We have to go find them," Stewart looked around frantically. "They can't have gone off far."

"I've had experiences in the outdoors before," Buzzcut looked to the ground. "And from the looks of it, they went that way."

"We really need to keep a more careful eye on those two from now on," Van Driessen sighed. "They always seem to pull these stunts."

"Finally, you're seeing things my way," Buzzcut smiled.

* * *

"I finally got you two now," Anderson raised his shotgun. "To think there would be two damn Sasquatches out here."

Through his blurry vision, Tom Anderson could not see that the two figures before him were Beavis and Butt-head. Because they were covered with mud all over their body, the duo gave off the appearance of two half-man, half-ape creatures that Anderson concluded could be none other than Bigfoot. The fact that they were not the mythological ape seemed to escape Anderson in this heated moment.

"Uh, what's Anderson doing out here?" asked Butt-head.

"I think he's out here to build a new tool shed," Beavis smirked. "Heh heh heh, _tool_!"

"When I get home, they're gonna recognize Tom Anderson as the man who bagged Bigfoot!" bragged the old veteran.

A fearsome roar erupted from behind Anderson, shocking the old man and even . Turning around nervously, Tom Anderson saw before him a giant 8 foot tall creature covered with dark brown hair. It had yellow eyes that seemed to stare into the depths of Anderson's soul in addition to two giant feet that easily made its mark in the ground. The creature glared Anderson malevolently but did not make a move.

"Oh my God!" Anderson could not take it anymore and bailed for it, away from the scene as fast as he could.

Normally, the Sasquatch would have chased after anyone who ran. This time he looked down at the two boys who clearly showed no sign of fear before him.

"Whoa, Bigfoot really does exist!" Butt-head exclaimed. "This is the coolest thing I have ever seen!"

"Yeah, heh heh heh!" Beavis said excitedly. "Does he have a big schlong too?"

Bigfoot hissed ominously. What upset him was how Butt-head's teeth were exposed before him due to the braces he wore. To the Sasquatch, baring teeth was a sign of aggression and antagonism. This was an affront he could not let pass. Bigfoot heaved both hands in the air and prepared to smash down on the hapless duo.

Before Bigfoot could lay a hand on either one of them, Buzzcut leaped across the air and struck him across the side with a flying sidekick. The force of the blow did not harm Bigfoot much but had enough power to send him stumbling to the side briefly.

"You two take cover!" ordered Buzzcut. The duo, however, did not seem to hear him as they continued standing there, laughing.

Bigfoot callously backhanded Buzzcut away before turning his attention back to Beavis and Butt-head. Once again, he towered over them and roared angrily.

"Whoa!" Beavis looked at Bigfoot's nether regions. "It isn't so big after all!"

"Yeah, he sure doesn't live up to the _Big_ part of his name," Butt-head agreed, shaking his head in disappointment.

From behind, Van Driessen leaped up and grabbed on to Bigfoot from his back, placing the creature in a chokehold.

"I'll try to hold him off for as long as I can!" Van Driessen cried. "You two get out of here!"

Buzzcut by now had recovered from the blow. Shaking his head to quaver off the pain, the former PE coach looked up and saw what Van Driessen was doing in a heroic act to buy time for the boys.

"Well I'll be damned," Buzzcut muttered.

Wasting no time at all, Buzzcut leaped back up and attacked Bigfoot, slamming his fist into the Sasquatch's stomach repeatedly as Van Driessen held on for dear life. This did not appear to hurt Bigfoot much.

"Huh huh!" chuckled Butt-head. "Van Driessen and Buzzcut are gonna get their asses kicked!"

Butt-head's prediction was correct. Bigfoot yanked Van Driessen off his neck effortlessly and threw the hippie into Buzzcut, knocking both men down. He stomped forward and yanked Butt-head up, using one hand to hold him up and the other to begin squeezing down hard on Butt-head's cranium.

"Uhhhhh!" Butt-head cried out in pain. "Kick him in the nads, Beavis!"

"Heh heh heh, okay."

Beavis did not hesitate and slammed his foot into Bigfoot's groin. With a whimper of pain, the Sasquatch let go off Butt-head and dropped to the ground, holding his injured area in absolute agony. As Bigfoot was mired down with the pain of being kicked in the balls, Buzzcut grabbed onto the duo and yanked them away.

"Move, move, move!" ordered Buzzcut who ushered the two away along with Van Driessen.

"T-That was an interesting experience," Van Driessen huffed as he ran alongside the duo.

"You know something?" Buzzcut said to Van Driessen. "What you did back there took guts! For a peacenik, you ain't half-bad!"

"Thank you, Bradley," acknowledged Van Driessen. "I take back what I said about you being a fascist."

"Haha!" laughed Buzzcut. "Now let's get these idiots to safety! That's one thing we can agree on!"

* * *

"Boy, I tell ya," Anderson drove down the highway as his nerves began to settle. "It took every ounce of my courage to get out of there as fast as possible."

"You did the right thing dear," Marcy Anderson patted her husband on the shoulder. "I guess this means Bigfoot really does exist."

"You bet, honeybunches," Anderson smiled. "Too bad I didn't bring a camera."

Next to Anderson's camper, a flower-covered van drove by, soon followed up by a black car. The encounter had shaken Van Driessen and partly because of that, Cassandra decided to take the wheel.

"I'd expect such a story from these two," Daria said. "But you too, Mr. Van Driessen?"

"Y-Yes," Van Driessen said shakily. "You see, Bigfoot really does exist."

"Yeah, but he has a tiny wiener!" added Beavis.

"I don't believe this," Daria shook her head. "Once we get to our next stop, I'm gonna ask Buzzcut if it really is true."

"Mr. Buzzcut saw it too, I can assure you," Van Driessen said more resolutely this time.

"Did you guys really see it?" Stewart asked the duo.

"Yeah, it had big feet, huh huh huh."

"But he had a tiny pecker, heh heh heh!" Beavis smiled. "And even smaller nads…"

"You really believe them, Stewart?" Daria asked skeptically.

"I'm not sure," Stewart confessed.

"Hey Butt-head, since I kicked him in the nuts, does that make me the new Bigfoot now?" asked Beavis.

"Uhh, I guess so."

"I'm certainly going to remember this moment," Van Driessen said.

"What moment is he talking about, Butt-head?" asked Beavis.

"Uh, I think he's talking about that time last night when he made out with Buzzcut, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"


	15. All Bungholes Go to Heaven Pt 1

**Coming of Age**

_Act XV – All Bungholes go to Heaven Pt 1_

"Oh dear, this trip isn't working out as I planned," the respectable old man sat down on his chair.

"Yes, I can see that," his chess partner, with a white beard, said.

"This summer vacation was supposed to have changed the lives of Beavis and Butt-head profoundly," the guardian angel went on. "They were supposed to grow and mature into the fine young men I always wanted them to be."

"Checkmate!" St. Peter flipped Charlie's piece off with his own King. "Want to go another round?"

"No, no," Charlie shook his head. "I wonder where I went wrong…"

"Maybe it was never your decision to decide their fate," St. Peter hinted not-so-subtlely.

In their surroundings were the glorious Pearly Gates. At the moment, St. Peter was not terribly busy with his job. He had invited Charlie over for a game of chess during his break time to get rid of boredom. Though the conversation was initially pleasant, it inevitably shifted gears towards Beavis and Butt-head, the two boys that Charlie was charged with keeping an eye on. St. Peter did not like to think of the two but for now, he had to put up with Charlie bemoaning his lack of success with the pair.

"I know that," acknowledged Charlie. "But still, I was appointed as their guardian angel and after all these years, I've never made a single bit of progress with them."

"Nobody's perfect," St. Peter shrugged. "You shouldn't let it get to you that much."

"Perhaps the time has come for me to make yet another appearance before the two," Charlie suggested. "After all, haven't you made an appearance to Beavis in his dream before?"

"Yes, but I don't want to ruin their vacation," St. Peter did not like being reminded of that dream appearance to Beavis. "Why would you want to spoil their fun?"

"Because this trip is supposed to be a coming-of-age focal point for them," Charlie said, trying to convince Saint Peter. "As of now, they've learned nothing. All the obstacles we've placed before them were supposed to be learning experiences. But they still remain the same dunces as always!"

"Maybe it isn't their time yet?" asked St. Peter.

"But I've read the paperwork," insisted Charlie. "This trip was supposed to be the pivotal moment of their lives."

"If that's the case, wouldn't we have been told by the Big Guy?" St. Peter seemed incredulous.

"Take a look at this," Charlie handed St. Peter the book he had in his bag.

"Hmm, the scripture on the lives of Beavis and Butt-head," St. Peter examined the pages carefully. "By God, I think you've got it!"

"Now do you see my point?" Charlie asked.

"Yes, I do," St. Peter put the book down. "This time, I'm going to help you."

"That's more like it, old chap!"

* * *

"I can't believe I signed up for this mission," Buzzcut shook his head.

In only three more days, they would reach Washington, DC. As for now, they were at a rest station with the entire group out on the benches taking time off from the long ride they had been through. While everyone else was sitting down and resting amicably, Beavis and Butt-head were out causing havoc as usual.

"Aaaahhhh!" Beavis cried as a red water balloon hit his head, splashing his entire upper body.

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "Gotcha, Beavis!"

"I'm gonna get you back, Butt-head," Beavis threatened. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

Beavis went over to the drinking fountain and filled two of his balloons up with water. He then gave chase to Butt-head, who ran away as fast as his legs could carry him. The next thing they knew, both boys were running towards the section of the rest station outlying the woods.

"Take that!" Beavis threw the first balloon.

"Missed, Beavis!" Butt-head ducked just in time.

"Try this, Butt-head!" Beavis threw the second balloon. Though it did not strike Butt-head directly, it hit the tree trunk next to his companion, splattering water over Butt-head nonetheless.

"Uh, that kinda counts I guess," Butt-head wiped off the water.

"Heh heh heh, let's go back and get more balloons," Beavis chuckled.

"Sure thing, Beavis."

The duo walked back towards the rest station but did not notice the caution signs around them put up by the construction staff. After only a few steps, the ground beneath them opened up and they fell down a man-made hole, hitting their heads against the hard gravel floor and getting knocked out in the process.

* * *

Principal McVicker walked down the halls of the building he had entered in Washington, DC after taking a black limousine to the city. He was not entirely sure where he was but the place seemed like a decent enough place so he couldn't complain. More than that, his union had paid for the trip, so all he had to do was sit back and enjoy the ride. Gus Baker had accompanied him, citing the main reason that he was here was to meet the man behind the whole plan.

Previously, McVicker had thought that Gus Baker was the man who had set the whole scheme up. But now… the plot was unraveling before him.

"Out of all our members, you, Principal McVicker, have made the most contributions to our cause," Gus Baker patted McVicker on the back.

"Aww, shucks," McVicker blushed. "But I'm not exactly a Principal anymore…"

"With our help, you can become principal of any school you choose," Baker told him.

"Well, I'm not so sure if I wanna go back into education or not," McVicker confessed. "After all these years of suffering…"

"Oh, if it's a public school you're worried about, fear now," Baker smiled. "I send my kids to a very prestigious private school. I'm certain that my connections can land you a teaching career in that place."

"Is this the place?" asked McVicker, pointing towards the final door at the end of the hall.

"It is," Gus Baker nodded and opened the door. "After you, Mr. McVicker."

McVicker walked in cautiously. Inside was a simple office room with a desk and a few assorted chairs here and there. On the wall hung a painting of a tropical island, decorated with a gold frame. The man sitting at the desk turned his chair around to greet the former Highland Principal.

"It's an honor to meet you again, Mr. McVicker."

"Um, have we met before?" asked McVicker.

"We have as a matter of fact," said the well-trimmed man who sat in a relaxed position. "I came to your school on two separate occasions before, as both an educational speaker and a candy sales promoter."

"Wait a minute," McVicker blinked. "I remember you! You were the guy who got in that fight with Van Driessen and Buzzcut!"

"Not my fondest moments, I can reassure you," the man raised an eyebrow. "After that first incident, I had to legally change my name or I would have been branded a sex offender sooner or later. You know how the courts are these days. After that second bout with the Jarhead, I found myself unemployed once more. That is, until I found a new calling in life."

"Wait a minute, you're Mr. Manners!" McVicker pointed out. "Um, or is it Mr. Candy?"

"Right now, I'm known in the underground as Mr. Lobby," said the boss. "But personally, I like being called Mr. Candy. It has such a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

McVicker did not answer vocally. He only nodded his head dumbly.

"For months, I drifted aimlessly from part time job to part time job," Mr. Candy continued. "One day, I was fortunate enough to be offered a job in the lobbying business in Washington, DC. It was in the capital of our country that I found a new beginning. In a way, I should be thanking those cackling buffoons. I wouldn't have as much power or prestige today if they didn't ruin my career in Highland."

"Uhhh, then why seek revenge on them?" asked McVicker who was confused.

"Oh Mr. McVicker, you delight me!" Mr. Candy brushed his hair back. "I'm only giving to those boys as good as they've given to me!"

"Makes sense I guess," McVicker finally said.

Soon enough, a striking young brunette walked in, swaying her hips as she strode forward coolly. Leaning over, she handed her paperwork to Mr. Candy who smiled earnestly.

"Mr. McVicker, I'd like to introduce you to my personal assistant, Miss Pastry," Mr. Candy made a friendly gesture with his hand. "I'm sure you two will get along great!"

"Would you like a backrub, Mr. McVicker?" Miss Pastry got behind McVicker.

"Oh, would I?" McVicker seemed to be elated.

"Now, back to business," Mr. Candy leaned back. "Of all our members, you've contributed the most, from school records to grades to even DNA samples… as unsavory as those samples were. Because you've been so gracious to help our cause, I'd like for you to be the one to do the honors when Beavis and Butt-head come to DC."

"How did you know they were coming again?" asked McVicker absentmindedly as Miss Pastry rubbed him from behind.

"You told us, remember?" Mr. Candy held up a sheet of paper. "This summer program to DC was school-sponsored by that hippie. It held the exact date and time they would reach Washington, DC."

"Uh, oh yeah!" McVicker snapped out of his trance. "I knew that!"

"But in order to throw off the Feds, we used their own tracking device to plant a bug on the hippie's van," Mr. Candy explained. "Those fools are running around in circles now trying to find a non-existent boogeyman who they think is some terrorist!"

"Yeah, good plan!" McVicker agreed. "Huh huh huh!"

"Lower, Mr. McVicker?" Ms Pastry offered.

"You bet, toots!" McVicker grinned.

"When they come to Washington, DC," Mr. Candy put both hands on his desk. "We'll throw those boys the party of a lifetime!"

"How are we going to do that?" asked McVicker.

Mr. Candy pressed down on a button beneath his desk. Immediately, the walls behind him opened up to reveal a large ballroom filled with a staggering number of people. Some of them McVicker recognized as members of the union he had joined. The others he was somewhat unfamiliar with. He immediately identified the Maxi-mart owner, Attorney Joe Adler, Jim the substitute teacher, Todd the local hooligan of Highland, Rabid Ron, Billy Bob, Pastor Clark Cobb, and even a few teachers from Highland High. There were plenty of others he could not distinguish, but judging from the sheer crowd, McVicker figured they must have numbered in the hundreds. He was willing to bet that most of them were people that Beavis and Butt-head had pissed off at one point or another in their lives.

"Who are all these guys?" McVicker wondered aloud.

"Who are we, you ask?" Mr. Candy sneered diabolically. "Our name is Legion, for we are _many_."

* * *

"Um, where am I?" Beavis rubbed his eyes.

The young man got up shakily. For the moment, it seemed as it he was back in Highland again, despite being thousands of miles away. Standing next to his side was Charlie, the supposed guardian angel who watched over him.

"Hey, it's you again," Beavis acknowledged.

"That's right, Beavis," Charlie smiled. "And do you know why I have come to see you again?"

"'Cause you've got nothing better to do?" Beavis asked.

"On the contrary," Charlie did not seem phased by the rudeness. "I'm here to show you what your life would be like if you had grown up in a loving family with all your needs provided for."

"Heh heh heh, _loving_…"

"Do you recognize where you are?" Charlie gestured with both hands.

"I'm back in Highland?"

"That's right, Beavis. And today, we're going to take a special tour of this town to see what your life would be like if you were on top of your game."

"Heh heh, _on top_…"

"Let's take a look at one of your friends, shall we?"

In a flash of light, Charlie raised both arms and a split second later, he and Beavis were on the streets of their suburban neighborhood. Beavis glanced around the area carefully. From what he could make out, the neighborhood was much cleaner and apparently more affluent from before. Most of the houses were two-storied and did not seem to be in disrepair as he remembered.

"Whoa, is this really Highland?" asked Beavis.

"It is," Charlie replied. "It's what Highland would look like had it not suffered from severe economic problems and inept politicians."

"Cool, heh heh heh!"

"See that house over there?" Charlie pointed out.

"Yeah, heh heh," Beavis turned his head to the direction Charlie was pointing.

It was a standard two-story white house with an impeccable lawn and garden. Flamingos and garden gnomes lay scattered across the grove while a variety of plants flourished on the dirt. Currently, a buff young man with a pompadour haircut was mowing the lawn and doing a good job of it too. After grazing off the last bit of grass, he took out a towel to wipe off the sweat on his brows.

"Well whaddya know, son," Tom Anderson walked out. "You did a real swell job today."

"Thanks Mr. Anderson," the young man turned off the lawnmower.

"Um, that guy looks kinda familiar," Beavis said to Charlie.

"That's right," said Charlie. "Care to guess why?"

"Here's the money, son," Anderson handed the young man thirty bucks. "Go off and have some fun, ya hear?"

"Still care to give it a shot?" Charlie offered to Beavis.

"Umm, what?"

"Hmm, I suppose we'll have to take a closer look in your alternate life," Charlie surrounded them both with smoke and dissipated.

* * *

"Are you two okay?" Van Driessen tapped the body of Butt-head lightly.

"These two ain't dead," Buzzcut got up. "I can feel they've still got a steady pulse."

The gang had already dragged Beavis and Butt-head out of the ditch. Despite their efforts, none of them were able to wake the duo up. Already, Buzzcut had tried mouth-to-mouth with the two reluctantly, only to come up short. There seemed to be nothing that could wake them from their trance.

"Okay, so are they just unconscious?" asked Daria.

"It's possible," Van Driessen admitted. "But we've already tried dumping cold water on them. They didn't wake up from that."

"When they wake up, does this mean they'll get amnesia?" asked Stewart.

"For the sake of the female gender, I'd hope so," remarked Daria.

"This isn't something normal," Cassandra said. "There's something else at play here."

"What do you mean?" asked Stewart.

"There are forces involved in this that the human eye cannot see," stated Cassandra. "But somehow, it's connected to Beavis and Butt-head."

"So they're not in a coma?" Stewart seemed lost.

"No, they are on the other side…"

* * *

"Uh, huh huh huh… am I dead?"

"No Butt-head, you certainly are not."

Butt-head finally opened his eyes. For a brief moment, the sights and sounds of the place managed to overwhelm him. He had never seen anything like it before. Pearly gates stood before him ominously as if waiting to pass the ultimate judgment upon him. The tall bearded man next to his side extended a warm hand in welcome.

Butt-head did not shake his hand. "Uh, where am I?"

"Butt-head my boy," St. Peter put a hand on Butt-head's shoulder. "You are in Heaven."

"Could you, like, get your hands off me?" Butt-head requested tactlessly. "I don't want some hairy old dude touching me."

A slight fidget to St. Peter's brow could be seen. The first thread of his patience had just been snipped by Butt-head's rude behavior. Still, he pressed on, keeping in mind that he wanted to accomplish with the young man from Highland.

"Today, I'm here to show you something you've never experienced."

"Uh, you mean I get to score with a chick?" Butt-head exclaimed. "Cool!"

"No Butt-head," St. Peter shook his head. "That's not what I had in mind."

"Where's Beavis?" asked Butt-head.

"Your friend is currently with Charlie," St. Peter informed. "For the duration of the time, I'm to deal with you and your shortcomings."

"That must suck for Beavis."

"Now, do you know why I have called you here?" questioned St. Peter.

"Uh, no."

"I'll give you a hint. A few years ago, you were visited by a man named Charlie who showed you what life would have been like without you."

"Oh yeah!" Butt-head recalled. "It was that Charlie dude! He was a major wuss, huh huh huh!"

"I'll get straight to the point," St. Peter looked at Butt-head sternly. "I'm here to lead you out of your sinful ways."

"Hmm, okay."

"I'm going to do something that could be considered blasphemous, considering the kind of person you are," St. Peter said finally. "It's a hard decision I've come to, but I've decided it must be for the best."

"Huh huh huh! You said _hard_!"

"In order to set you on the straight and narrow, I've decided to do this," St. Peter confessed. "If I am to expect you to become the good man you're intended to be, I must give you the right incentives…"

"Huh huh… _narrow_!"

"Though I am loathe to do this for the likes of you, I must do for you what is rarely done," St. Peter led Butt-head forward.

The great gates of Heaven opened up. Butt-head's eyes widened.

"I'm going to give you a personalized tour of Heaven."

_To be continued._

**Author's Note:** Saint Peter made an appearance in _The Final Judgment of Beavis_ as the heavenly guide who read off a list of sins to Beavis. Though it was a dream sequence for Beavis, the next appearance of the guardian angel Charlie in the Christmas special _It's a Miserable Life_ validated the existence of angels in the B&B Universe. I decided to combine both plot points together for a Charlie/St. Peter team-up to make an attempt at reforming the duo. Mr. Manners and Mr. Candy are both the same person, voiced by David Spade. He showed up in _Manners Suck_ and _Candy Sale _first as an educational speaker and then as a candy salesman. Both times, he was humiliated by the antics of the duo and earned an asskicking on both occasions, first by Van Driessen and then by Buzzcut. To me, he'd have the most motive for wanting to kill the duo. Plus, he was also one of my favorite B&B characters, even though he didn't make many appearances.


	16. All Bungholes go to Heaven Pt 2

**Coming of Age **

_Act XVI – All Bungholes go to Heaven Pt 2_

"Uhh, this place sucks!" Butt-head told St. Peter honestly and bluntly.

"Excuse me, Butt-head?" St. Peter did not look too pleased.

Butt-head was unsatisfied. "It's like, there's just a bunch of dumbasses up here sitting on clouds!"

"Butt-head, I haven't even shown you all the levels of Heaven yet," sighed St. Peter.

One thing Butt-head did have a point on was his description of Heaven. So far, it was indeed a cloudy place with angels flying about freely. What upset Butt-head the most was that it was truly not his definition of Heaven. He had been expecting more heavy metal music and excitement. Up here, he got none of that due to the booming choir music and voices of angels.

"Got any chicks up here?" asked Butt-head. "Or is it just a bunch of old dudes in towels?"

St. Peter bristled at the comment. Unlike his friend Charlie, he was far less patient and willing to put up with such behavior from either Beavis or Butt-head. Soon, though, he wrapped his head around what Butt-head was saying and decided on formulating a new plan.

"Yes, as a matter of fact we do," St. Peter said calmly. "I'd like to introduce you to some positive young female role models in Heaven."

"Uh, okay, huh huh huh!"

St. Peter climbed on top a cloud with Butt-head and floated towards an even larger cloud where female around Butt-head's age were frolicking contentedly.

"Hey ladies, huh huh!"

"Hello St. Peter," one young blonde angel stood up. "Who is this you have with you?"

"Greetings Sarah," St. Peter bowed courteously. "This is Butt-head, a lost sheep I've decided to give a tour of Heaven to."

"Oh, you poor thing," Sarah got up. "What kind of life have you lived?"

"A poor excuse for one," St. Peter muttered under his breath.

"Hey baby," Butt-head eyed Sarah eagerly. "Wanna get it on?"

"Pardon me?" Sarah was shocked.

"Err, what he meant was that he'd love to see Heaven in all of its glory," St. Peter jumped into the conversation, attempting to exercise damage control. "Um, isn't that right, Butt-head?"

"Uh, no," Butt-head corrected. "So, like, wanna do it with Big Poppa Butt-head?"

"How dare you!" Sarah was indignant for the first time in many years.

"So, like, my cloud or yours?" asked Butt-head.

That was the final straw. In a fit of rage, Sarah took the halo floating atop her head and used it as a weapon, smashing Butt-head across the jaw and knocking him clear off the cloud. As Butt-head fell, he was caught by St. Peter who looked at him with great disapproval.

"Maybe it was a bad idea introducing you to Heaven's ladies," St. Peter shook his head.

"I'll say," Butt-head got up. "Do the chicks up here even put out?"

"I'm not even going to answer that," St. Peter said angrily. "Anyways, let's take you to the second level of Heaven. I'm sure the wonders there will change your mind about the way you live your life. If you do good, I may not have to take you to Heaven's Seventh level."

As the cloud floated away from the first level of Heaven, Butt-head looked down and was greeted with the sight of a heavenly choir accompanied by an orchestral symphony. He looked back at St. Peter who seemed occupied with "driving" the cloud. Afforded with this easy distraction, Butt-head leapt off the cloud and floated down towards the orchestral movement.

"My, what is this?" the orchestra instructor stopped his directing just as Butt-head floated in front of him.

"So, like, what do you dudes play up here?" asked Butt-head.

"That's a good question young man," the Heavenly conductor replied. "As a matter of fact, we play orchestral music, classical symphonic movements, choir, opera, and, on occasion, Christian rock."

"Really?" Butt-head raised an eyebrow. "That sucks!"

An entire gasp was heard across the stadium because of Butt-head's colorful choice of words. All the angels were shocked with the way Butt-head described their music.

"So, like, do you guys even play anything good in Heaven?" asked Butt-head.

"Now see here!" the conductor protested. "You can't just barge in here and label our music with your blasphemous terminology!"

Butt-head ignored the conductor and turned to the crowd of spectators and musicians.

"Huh huh huh! Let me show you how to play some real music!"

"What is he thinking?" one angel whispered to another.

With seemingly no shame at all, Butt-head grabbed onto the microphone and began his performance.

"DUH NUH, NUH NUH NUH! NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH NAH, NAH NAH NAH!"

* * *

Beavis walked through the streets of Highland with Charlie uneasily. From what he could see, it was certainly not the same town he was accustomed to. The streets were much cleaner and the people were generally less… trashy. Highland genuinely seemed like a good place to live, as scary as it seemed. They came before a building about the size of a building on a college campus. The architecture itself resembled that of ancient Greco-Roman designs.

"We're here," Charlie presented. "Highland Academy!"

"Um, what happened to this place?" asked Beavis.

"Because Highland is now a more prosperous town, Highland High now exists as Highland Academy, a private school where the best and brightest put their minds to work," explained Charlie.

"Really? That sucks!"

"Take a look inside," Charlie led Beavis towards a window.

"Whoa! What's going on here?"

The classroom was brightly lit and clean swept. By far, the desks and classroom size was much larger than before. In the front of the room was David Van Driessen in a suit and tie. The rest of the students themselves were dressed up in polo shirts and other formal clothing.

"Highland Academy has a dress code," explained Charlie. "It's been implemented for quite a while now."

"That sucks!" Beavis declared vehemately.

"And there's you over there," Charlie pointed out.

"Whoa, no way!"

In the front of the class sat a young man with well-cut muscles and a handsome, rugged face. He was wearing a tight blue polo shirt that made the girls nearby swoon with secret joy while his blonde hair was slicked back, allowing it to shine brightly against the backdrop of ceiling lights. Raising his hand in a dignified answer, he looked at Van Driessen earnestly in hopes of getting a right answer of some sort. Sensing that Beavis could not hear what was going on, Charlie quickly snapped his fingers so that Beavis could hear his alternate self speak.

"Thank you Beavis," Van Driessen said. "Do you know what conference it was where the Allied Powers discussed a way to end the war in East Asia?"

"Yes Mr. Van Driessen," the alternate Beavis answered in a clear and concise tone. "It was at the Potsdam Conference where the Allies devised an agreement on the unconditional surrender of Japan."

"Very good Beavis," Van Driessen acknowledged. "You've been hitting the books last night."

"Yes sir," the alternate universe Beavis agreed amicably.

"Good one, dude!"

"Whoa, it's that same guy!" Beavis exclaimed after getting a careful look. "He was mowing Anderson's lawn!"

The alternate version of Butt-head was dressed up in a striped polo while his hair leaned up thanks to gel. He had the build of a football player and judging from the girls surrounding him, he probably was one as well. Seeing this, Beavis was very surprised with how his friend looked. This version seemed to be the complete opposite of what Butt-head really was like.

"Yes, that's what Butt-head would be like if he had been raised by a loving family," said Charlie. "He happens to be the head of the football team in this scenario."

"How come he gets all those chicks, damn it!" demanded Beavis.

"Well, Butt-head is a rather big hit with the ladies," admitted Charlie. "But you yourself are no slouch either in the field of romance."

The bell rang finally and the entire class got up to leave. The alternate Beavis, however, stayed behind to talk to Van Driessen about his term paper while Butt-head got up and left with his groupies.

"I know what you're thinking," Charlie told Beavis. "Why is it that you and Butt-head aren't hanging out after school? It's because the two of you were raised different families. As a result, you never grew too dependent on Butt-head. Right now, the two of you are just casual acquaintances. He runs with his own social crowd and you generally stick in your own close circle of friends."

"Well I'll be damned, heh heh heh."

* * *

"Now where has that boy gone off to?" St. Peter wondered as he hovered in the air with his cloud taxi. "He can't have gone off on his own…"

But all too soon, the sights and sounds below St. Peter alerted Heaven's gatekeeper on exactly what Butt-head had been up to. Floating down, St. Peter saw a sight that sickened him to his stomach.

"By the Heavens…" St. Peter gasped.

The holy stadium he had once attended had been turned into nothing more than a glorified hard rock concert. Below in the arena, the crowds were cheering, moshing, and pumping their fists into the air like there was no tomorrow. To make things worse, heavy metal music and air guitar singing pervaded the air all around St. Peter, splitting his ear drums apart from inside and out. The angels down there were prancing around drunkenly, engaging in antisocial behavior and allowing the hair on their heads to grow out to ridiculous lengths. They had transformed from once-transcendent creatures of beauty and Heavenly glory into demons of moshing, partying, headbanging, and metal.

"You got it, huh huh huh!" Butt-head told Sarah.

"Yeah!" Sarah stomped her feet on the ground and threw her hands into the air. "This is what I call a party!"

"It's like, Heaven used to suck," Butt-head leaned back on his chair. "But now it's cool! Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"So Butt-head, I was thinking…" Sarah leaned over eagerly, clearly intoxicated from all the Heavenly wine she had. "That you and I could go to a nearby cloud and get it on…"

"Uh, okay," Butt-head said eagerly. "I'm gonna score with an angel chick!"

"Ahem."

In a flash of angelic light, St. Peter appeared before all the angels that had been induced into a rowdy drunken state. When they saw this, all of the stadium's angels immediately sobered up and flew away, including Sarah.

"You…" St. Peter glared down at Butt-head. "How DARE you!"

"Huh huh huh, you're pissed off!"

"And what exactly do you have to say for yourself?" demanded St. Peter.

"Uh, the music sucked?"

"I'd strike you dead myself!" raged St. Peter. "But unfortunately, that's not a responsibility that falls on my shoulders."

"Does this mean I get into Heaven for free from now on?" asked Butt-head.

"NO!" St. Peter yelled before collecting himself again. "Erm, what I mean is that you still have a lot to learn, Butt-head, if you ever want to get up here."

"Uh, can I, like, get back to my concert?" Butt-head requested.

"No you may not," St. Peter said in a sullen tone and enveloped both himself and Butt-head in smoke. "As of this moment, our tour is over."

* * *

"Why are we out here?" asked Beavis.

"We're here to see you," explained Charlie who gestured across the soccer field. "On Tuesdays and Thursdays, you have soccer practice."

"You mean I get to kick some balls?" asked Beavis. "Heh heh heh!"

"In a matter of speaking, yes," Charlie answered. "There you are now."

Beavis stared out in fascination at the soccer team. His alternate self was dominating the game, dodging opponents left and right, skillfully outmaneuvering them while his foot was planted on the ground, sending the ball in the direction he wanted. As he neared the goal, the alternate Beavis lashed out, sending the ball whizzing past the goalie and sailing right into the net. The entire team cheered and picked him up to celebrate his successful win.

"You've become quite a superstar in your own right," explained Charlie. "Under you, Highland Academy's soccer team has gone on this entire semester with eight wins and zero losses."

"Cool, heh heh."

"Is all of this getting through to you, Beavis?"

"Um, I think so," Beavis nodded. "This life looks alright."

"That's the spirit!" encouraged Charlie. "Now you're in for a special surprise."

"What's that?" asked Beavis.

"You'll see soon enough."

When the game was over, Beavis's alternate self ran towards the stadiums where he was greeted by a girl in a white t-shirt and jeans. He embraced her and they kissed. Because he was not close enough, Beavis moved in for a better view. Boy was he in for a surprise.

"Wanna come to my house tonight to study?" Daria asked.

"Sure babe," the alternate Beavis replied. "Just let me go down to the gym and get my stuff."

"I'll be waiting for you in the Porsche," Daria kissed him on the cheeks again.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Beavis shrieked. "I just kissed Diarrhea!"

"In this scenario, Butt-head was never there to ruin Daria's outlook on boys," explained Charlie. "Because you were the perfect gentlemen who knew how to be charming, Daria has been your girlfriend since the beginning of your sophomore year. You two have been going out for quite some time now."

"This sucks… this really sucks…" Beavis muttered in a scared breath.

Soon enough, the alternate Beavis ran out of the school and greeted Daria in her car. After a long passionate kiss that lasted for almost a minute, Daria hit the brakes and the two of them drove away down the sunset towards her home.

"So what do you think of your new life?" asked Charlie.

"Damn it, I wanted a real chick, not Diarrhea!" Beavis complained.

"Beavis," Charlie finally got serious. "Has this possible future changed your mindset on life? Because that's what I was getting at the whole time."

"Um, no, heh heh heh!"

Before Charlie could go on further, a white light surrounded them and brought them before Heaven's gates once more. St. Peter stood there with a furious expression on his face. Butt-head, on the other hand, did not seem too bothered with what was going on.

"What's going on?" asked Charlie. "I thought you weren't done with your tour yet."

"It's been cancelled!" St. Peter said stiffly. "There's no way in Hell I'm letting him back into Heaven!"

"Uh, huh huh huh" laughed Butt-head. "I headbanged in Heaven!"

"Silence!" ordered St. Peter. "I don't see why Charlie was ever assigned to either of you in the first place."

"With all due respect, St. Peter," Charlie pointed up. "Shouldn't we leave the judging to a certain somebody else?"

"It's… it's just," St. Peter sputtered. "Never in my life have I ever seen such ignoramuses!"

"Wait a second, I feel someone reaching out to us," announced Charlie. "It's one of their friends!"

* * *

Cassandra sat on the lawn cross-legged, allowing her meditative trance to overtake her completely. It was through this that she hoped to ascertain what was going on within the spiritual realm on Beavis and Butt-head's situation. The others found this highly questionable but decided not to interfere with her out of respect. They agreed that if nothing happened within the next 10 minutes, they would be taking the boys to the nearest hospital.

Soon enough, her prayers were answered. All around her, time seemed to freeze as she felt her soul walking outside of her body. From above, she saw two angels descend upon the Earth with both Beavis and Butt-head.

"Hello young lady," Charlie greeted. "I believe you reached out to us."

"I have," Cassandra shook his hand politely.

"We had a goal in mind," St. Peter said grudgingly. "And we failed, despite all our Heavenly powers."

"Perhaps it just wasn't their time yet," Cassandra suggested.

"But it was clearly written in our books that Beavis and Butt-head's lives would change," insisted Charlie. "It's a manuscript on their life and times."

"What did it say?" asked Cassandra.

"Well, it just said that their lives would change profoundly for this trip," answered St. Peter.

"Did it go any further than that?" Cassandra went on.

"Well, now that you mention it… no," Charlie answered truthfully.

"Is it possible that you misinterpreted the scriptures?" asked Cassandra.

"Well, ummm," St. Peter scratched his head, unable to come up with an answer. Charlie looked equally as lost.

Charlie was finally the first to admit it. "Yes, it's possible."

"Give them time," Cassandra put her hands on the shoulders of Beavis and Butt-head. "I know it must be hard to not be able to directly affect change for the better, but Beavis and Butt-head need to live as they need to and find their own path in life. After all, it's what we were given free will for."

Charlie looked at St. Peter, dumbstruck.

"S-She's right," acknowledged St. Peter.

"Yes, I suppose we should be returning you to your own bodies," Charlie bowed deeply. "We're sorry for all the commotion we caused for your trip."

"Maybe your intervention was also meant to be in the grand scheme of things," Cassandra lowered her head in respect as well. "In the end, we should all have good faith that everything will turn out alright."

"You are wise beyond your years, Cassandra," St. Peter smiled and snapped his fingers.

* * *

"Whoa, did that just happen?" Beavis was now sitting on the backseat of Van Driessen's van.

"Uh, I think so," Butt-head blinked. "I went to Heaven!"

"Did it really happen?" Beavis asked Cassandra.

Cassandra smiled and nodded, acknowledging the truth. She herself was quite awestruck just from seeing two angels, though she did not see the full extent of their powers as the two boys had. She was, however, still grateful that she got to experience such a sight beyond the mundane. It was something that she would never forget and for that, she was thankful.

"So what was Heaven like?" asked Beavis.

"Well, it sucked but I made it cool," Butt-head stated. "I almost scored with some angel chick!"

"Really? Cool!" exclaimed Beavis. "That Charlie dude showed me some scene where I, like, was some soccer player, heh heh heh."

"Uh, why would you play soccer?" asked Butt-head.

"Um, I can kick some balls around I guess," offered Beavis.

"What else did you see?"

"Charlie had me making out with Diarrhea too," Beavis told his friend. "It sucked, heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh!" laughed Butt-head. "You've got some screwed up dreams, Beavis!"

"It wasn't a dream, damn it!" insisted Beavis. "Charlie showed it to me!"

After hearing the description of the alternate scenario Beavis had given, Daria was none too pleased. She waited carefully until Beavis leaned his head forward. Reaching down, Daria grabbed onto the metal handle of her seat and pulled, launching the back of her car seat right into Beavis's forehead. The blow from the impact knocked him out instantly and sent him sprawling back against his own seat as Butt-head laughed. After that, the frown on Daria's face was replaced with her usual sarcastic smile.

"You wish, Beavis, huh huh huh!"

* * *

"That went well," St. Peter looked down at the two through the movie screen. "I'd love to finish the movie on their lives but I've got to get back to gate duty in a few minutes."

"Are you sure you don't want to finish up the story of their lives?" asked Charlie. "It's got a great ending."

"No, I've really got to be going back," insisted St. Peter.

"That's too bad," Charlie handed St. Peter his drink.

"I'll come around tomorrow at the same time," St. Peter agreed. "This movie doesn't suck so much after all."

"What did you just say?" asked Charlie.

"Oh nothing," St. Peter smiled. "I just said that the lives of Beavis and Butt-head are very interesting indeed."

"Us going down there to talk to them was certainly a noble effort, wouldn't you agree?" asked Charlie.

"Yes, I'd say it was," St. Peter nodded.

"Maybe one day we'll see them again up here," Charlie said wistfully.

"By that time, they'll hopefully have learned to behave themselves."

"Hear, hear!"

"Well, I've got to head out now," St. Peter walked out the theater. "See you later, bunghole."

"What?"

Charlie turned around in surprise. But by the time he did, Saint Peter was already gone.


	17. Resident Butthead

**Coming of Age**

_Act XVII - Resident Butt-head_

"First Bigfoot and now angels?" Daria questioned. "You two must've really lost your marbles."

"I was there to see the angels," Cassandra noted patiently, fully acknowledging Daria's skepticism.

"Yes, and Mr. Buzzcut himself told you that he encountered Bigfoot along with me," Van Driessen confirmed.

Though Daria was not an atheist by any means, she was hardly eager to begin accepting absolute beliefs in the supernatural, especially with cases involving cryptozoology or divine intervention. It was her ability to doubt and intelligence that gave her the intellectual edge she had. To abandon it now to take the word of Beavis and Butt-head was simply not something she was willing to do. In the world of Daria, it was absolute blasphemy. Especially since she herself had not witnessed these events.

"I'm beginning to think Buzzcut's been around you two for way too long as well," said Daria. "Wait a minute… what're you doing, Butt-head? Get that out of your nose!"

"Uh, what?" asked Butt-head. He had one of Daria's pens stuck in his nostril.

"On second thought, keep the pen," Daria grimaced.

"What're we gonna see next?" Stewart wondered aloud. "A haunted house?"

Almost on cue, rain began pouring out of the skies. The drops became progressively larger and in no time at all, a storm was brewing in the distance. Seeing their current predicament, Van Driessen decided to turn at the next exit, with Buzzcut following up behind shortly. They stopped at the gates of an old, run-down mansion after making a second turn.

"Bella Jones Haunted Mansion Tour?" Stewart read the sign. "Whoa."

"Looks like you were correct, Stewart," said Cassandra.

"You just had to ask, didn't you?" remarked Daria.

"Yeah Stewart," Butt-head recommended. "You need to shut up more!"

"I don't recall asking for your input, Butt-head," Daria crossed her arms.

"Oh yeah?" mocked Beavis. "Well you'll get it anyways… Diarrhea!"

"Guys, guys," Van Driessen attempted to diffuse the situation. "All these negative emotions aren't helping us right now. Let's be a bit more respectful to one another, m'kay?"

"Beavis," Butt-head looked at his friend. "It's times like these I realize how much of a wuss Van Driessen really is, huh huh huh!"

Looking out the car, Van Driessen saw that there would be no end to the rain for several hours, if not over a whole day. They had to wait at least until the heavy pouring stopped.

"So, like, got any games we can play?" asked Beavis. "Like _Pin-the-tail-on-the-Stewart_? Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Um, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Stewart replied nervously.

"I agree," Van Driessen said. "Please try not to pick on Stewart or Daria, Beavis."

A faint tapping was heard at the window. Van Driessen turned around and rolled down the glass. The person next to his car was a young man who was roughly in the 18 to 20 range. He had blonde hair like Stewart, except his body was more fit and able. For such a young and handsome man, it was unexpected that someone like him was working a tour guide business rather than being in college.

"Hey folks," the young man said. "My name's Samuel and I'm tour guide for the Bella Jones Haunted Mansion Tour. I was about to close down since I didn't expect any customers but since you guys are here, wanna go inside to get away from the rain? I can give you a tour as well."

"Whoa, a haunted house!" exclaimed Beavis. "We gotta see this, Butt-head!"

"Yeah, can we, like, go inside?" Butt-head requested.

"What do you guys think?" Van Driessen asked the rest of the gang.

"Sounds alright with us," Stewart agreed.

* * *

The whole group was walking down the hallways of the mansion with Samuel at the helm. In addition, Buzzcut had joined them as well, not wanting to have to endure the boredom of staying in his car to wait out the downpour. Their tour guide was giving them an extended tour, carefully explaining and detailing the history and the sightings of the haunted mansion. They paused at a portrait of an old craggy-faced woman for Samuel to continue with the story.

"In the 19th Century, Countess Bella Jones had a reputation for herself as a practitioner of witchcraft," Samuel explained. "Whether or not she was the witch she claimed to be is up for you to decide. But the villagers of this town certainly believed it to be true. On one stormy night, they raided the mansion but by the time they reached her quarters, they found her hanging from the ceiling. Ever since then, strange supernatural phenomenon and ghostly sightings have taken place here."

"Huh huh, _hanging_!"

"Yeah, heh heh! I like to leave it hanging all the time!"

"Legend has it that to this day, the spirit of Mistress Bella Jones is haunting these corridors, waiting for a living blood relative to come back to this mansion so that she may possess the helpless soul and return to the land of the living," Samuel finished.

"Hah!" Buzzcut snorted. "Let's hope her descendent isn't Beavis or Butt-head!"

"Come this way," Samuel led the group on. "I'll show you the bedrooms around here."

Before turning around, Buzzcut gave pause after glancing into the room on his right. Situated on the bed room was a purple heart, something given only to soldiers who were wounded in battle. He walked into the room, curious as to why such a medal was in the mansion. As soon as he picked it up, the eerie laughter of a woman was heard as the door slammed shut.

"What in the hell is going on here?" Buzzcut yelled.

"You left us…"

"Oh my…" Buzzcut turned around.

"Why did you survive while we died…?"

"Vinnie…" Buzzcut stared into the black, soulless eyes of an undead zombie. "You…"

"You should have died…" the zombie's jaws opened. By this point, Buzzcut was absolutely terrified. Not even his usual Marine antics could hide the horror strewn across his face.

"I… I…" sputtered Buzzcut.

"You're no hero, Bradley Buzzcut!" the zombie's jaws neared Buzzcut's neck. "You were fighting the wrong war and you failed!"

Something in that zombie's sentence made Buzzcut snap back to reality. That same thing also earned the zombie a bone-crunching punch across the jaw, sending him falling over on his back.

"Win or lose the Vietnam War, there's one thing I do know!" Buzzcut stood up. "Vinnie would've never shown the piss-poor attitude you did. He believed in the mission and accomplishing it for his commanding officers and his peers! I knew Vinnie personally and he died, fighting for the mission to his last breath!"

The zombie got up and lunged at Buzzcut. The former marine avoided the swipe and slammed his elbow into the back of the zombie's head. The zombie only got back up and struck Buzzcut across the face, sending the former PE coach flying against the wall. Buzzcut avoided a second punch that slammed into the wall. Buzzcut hit the zombie with and uppercut, forcing him back. The undead monster shambled forward once more undauntedly. This time, Buzzcut put a bullet through the creature's head with his pistol.

"Now to get those other idiots out of here!" Buzzcut kicked the door down.

* * *

"So what're your names?" asked Samuel as he led the group down the stairs to the basement.

"Uh, I'm Butt-head, and this is Beavis."

"I'm Cassandra."

"Stewart."

"David Van Driessen."

"You know, it's actually been a while since we've had an interesting group like you guys," Samuel noted. "What do you guys plan on doing after this tour?"

"We're going to finish out this summer vacation with a visit to the University of Virginia and a trip to Washington DC," Van Driessen pointed out.

"So, like, are we gonna see any ghosts or not?" asked Beavis. "I wanna see some, damn it!"

"Calm down Beavis," Butt-head urged. "Maybe the ghost'll come to you."

"Yeah, but I wanna see a dead dude, heh heh!"

"You know what they say, Beavis," Butt-head warned. "Be careful what you wish for, huh huh huh!"

"You guys stay here and chill," Samuel said and flicked on a television set. "I've got to get some brochures from upstairs. I'll be back in a while."

"That dude looks like you, Stewart," Butt-head pointed out.

"I know, it's kinda creepy isn't it?" Stewart scratched his head.

"I think it's creepy how I'm stuck in a haunted mansion with you two," Daria told the duo.

"I think Diarrhea wants to get it on with you, Butt-head, heh heh heh!"

"No way, Beavis!"

"Whatever, I'm gonna take a detour," Daria walked out of the room to explore the mansion on her own. "Try not to bring down the house while I'm gone, guys."

* * *

"M-Mom?" Samuel opened the door to the master bedroom.

"Such a sweet boy you are, Samuel," a voice said from behind the rocking chair. "How are our new guests?"

Samuel did not have a happy look on his face. "The boy is the descendent. I knew it the moment he stepped into this mansion."

"Excellent," the voice of the old woman crooned. "You will bring him and one of the girls to me. It's time the curse was lifted."

"Is this even right though?" Samuel asked hesitantly.

"Of course it is, my dear sweet lad. After all, mommy knows best."

"It still doesn't feel right," Samuel said reluctantly.

"Wouldn't you want to know what it's like to truly live again, Samuel?"

"Yes, but not like this…"

"Just bring them to me, Samuel. You will understand my intentions in time."

* * *

"Daria?" Van Driessen caught up with his former student in the dining room. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing much," Daria replied simply.

"Come on, Daria," Van Driessen pressed on. "It's no good to keep feelings bundled up inside."

"Well, if you want me to be honest," Daria explained. "Having to sit in a van with those two for the past few weeks has really worn my patience to a thread."

"Hmm, I can understand those sentiments," Van Driessen nodded. "What have they done that's driven you to this point?"

"Do you really want me to list all the reasons?" Daria looked Van Driessen square in the eye.

"Well…" Van Driessen admitted. "That could take quite a while…"

"My point exactly," Daria finished.

"If it makes you feel any better," Van Driessen put a hand on Daria's shoulder. "We only have a week and a half before this trip ends. By then, I hope you'll have gotten what you wanted from this trip."

"You know, I want to apologize, Mr. Van Driessen."

"For what?"

"For the smart attitude I seem to give the group," admitted Daria. "I don't mean to come off as a know-it-all but it's just something that's a part of me. Believe me when I say that I don't mean to be rude to you, Stewart, or Cassandra."

"I understand Daria," acknowledged Van Driessen. "But what about Beavis and Butt-head?"

"Well, those two are a special exception," Daria replied. "I can say whatever I want to them without remorse."

"Hey Daria."

"Tom?"

"Who is this, Daria?" Van Driessen asked as he turned around.

Before them was a boy around Daria's age. He was dressed in a simple sweater with a pair of khaki's. There was a charming smile surrounding his lips just below the nicely combed brown hair on his head. Even so, there was something not quite right despite the young man's pleasant demeanor.

"The name's Tom Sloane," the young man replied. "I've actually been lost in this mansion a little before the thunderstorm hit."

"We used to date," Daria told Van Driessen who looked quite surprised.

"I was on my way to an aunt's house," Tom explained. "It stormed a bit up on the way so I had to take refuge at this abandoned place."

"Abandoned?" Daria raised an eyebrow. "But didn't you see Samuel?"

"Oh, uh, yeah of course!" Tom smiled. "Short blonde kid who looks like Stewart."

"Wait a minute," Daria pointed out. "How do you know who Stewart is? I haven't told you a thing about Highland in all the time we went out."

For a minute, Tom looked down, turning his face away from Daria and Van Driessen. By the time he looked up, an evil glow had permeated his eyes. "Tom" smiled maliciously.

"Looks like my cover's blown!" Tom growled in a harsh voice.

"Get behind me, Daria!" Van Driessen cried but it was too late. Tom grabbed Van Driessen by the shirt and slammed him against both sides of the wall before throwing him back-first on the floor.

"Get off him!" Daria grabbed Tom's shoulder.

Tom merely flicked her hand off and lifted her up by her collar. He had one foot planted firmly on Van Driessen's chest in the meantime.

"You're not Tom!" Daria accused.

"You're right, I'm not!" the creature replied. "I'm a manifestation of all the fear and loathing you keep bottled up inside! All the insecurities and baggage that your soul has acquired!

"Put them down!" an angry voiced rang out.

Buzzcut charged and plowed directly into "Tom." He rammed Tom head-first into the side of the wall but was soon kicked off by the undead creature. The ghoul unsheathed a sword from a suit of armor next to him and thrust it. Buzzcut dodged just in time as the blade stabbed into the wooden door behind him.

Tom opened the door and grabbed Buzzcut by the throat, throwing him in. Van Driessen tried to help out but Tom simply knocked him aside like a toy soldier and attacked Buzzcut once more.

* * *

"Damn it, what's taking that Stewart clone so long?" demanded Butt-head.

"I feel an evil presence in this building," Cassandra narrowed her eyes and concentrated.

"Aw, it's nothing," Stewart joked. "It's just a creepy old mansion, that's all."

"And where'd Buzzcut go off to?" asked Beavis.

"Yeah, and what about Daria and Van Driessen?" Stewart asked.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head told his friend. "Remember those horror movies where chicks get killed?"

"Yeah," Beavis nodded.

"I think Daria's, like, off getting killed or something, huh huh huh!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh heh!"

"Check out this mirror guys," Stewart sat down at the antiquated Victorian-era masterpiece. "It must be worth a lot even now!"

"You look like a dork, huh huh huh!" Butt-head looked at Stewart's reflection. The mirror could distort images like those found in carnival funhouses.

"Yeah, you've always looked like a dork," affirmed Beavis.

"Great joke guys," Stewart chuckled. "Let's see how you guys look!"

Beavis and Butt-head stepped forward next to Stewart. The mirror, however, had darkened at this point. The smile on Stewart's face had vanished. This was definitely not part of the mirror. Smoke seemed to cloud the mirror for an instant as the face of an old woman appeared from the blackened glass.

"Hello my dear," the women bore her deathly eyes into Stewart and then Cassandra. "You will make an excellent vessel for my dear Samuel. And you, young lady, you shall free me of my curse…"

"Umm," Stewart bit his lip. "What's going on here…?"

The flesh on the woman's face seemed to melt off, revealing a grotesque skull. With a hideous cry, the skull seemed to lunge forward and disappear. Stewart screamed in terror and fell back. By the time he had regained his wits, he felt something noticeably wet in his pants.

"Huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Stewart peed his pants!"

"Yeah, h-heh heh heh," Beavis giggled nervously. "He, l-like, peed his pants."

"Uh," Butt-head looked down at Beavis in disapproval. "So did you, Beavis."

"Um, oh yeah, heh heh," Beavis looked down at his own shorts in embarrassment. "Me to…"

"There is an evil, presence in this house," Cassandra walked up to the three.

"Hey guys," Samuel opened the door and walked in. "What's been going on?"

"Samuel," Cassandra said in an uncharacteristically somber voice. "You have some explaining to do."

"Err, what do you mean?" asked Samuel.

"We know there's an unnatural presence in this house," Cassandra told him squarely.

"Yeah, it made Stewart pee his pants, huh huh!"

"I…"

"Yeah, spit it out!" Beavis urged. "We wanna see some ghosts now, heh heh heh!"

"I… tricked you into coming here," Samuel finally confessed.

"Why?" Cassandra asked softly.

"Because…" Samuel stared directly at Stewart. "I'm your ancestor."

"No way," Stewart exclaimed. "You'd have to be over a hundred years old!"

"I am…" Samuel confessed. Cassandra reached out to touch his shoulder but to her surprise, her hand went directly through him.

"Uh, you're a ghost?" asked Butt-head disappointedly. "I thought you'd be cooler."

"Yeah, you suck!" added Beavis.

"The legend of Bella Jones is true," added Samuel. "Everything from the witchcraft to how her ghost rests in this mansion to this day, waiting for unwitting souls to drag to the grave with her. Even the part about her waiting to possess her ancestor is true, except for one small detail. She can't possess a male… which is why I'm here. I'm her son."

Cassandra gasped as Beavis and Butt-head continued with their blank stare. Stewart looked absolutely terrified at this point.

"If the descendent is a male, only I can possess him," Samuel told them. "After that happens, she may possess any female in the mansion and join me in returning to the land of the living."

"Your mother's mysterious death," Cassandra implored. "What happened on that night?"

"I killed my mother," Samuel confessed. "There was a young lady I was to be married to but my mother didn't approve. She slew my love that fateful night and I killed my own mom in revenge. Because of my grief, I soon took my own life as well. My lover's soul was able to pass on into the next life but we weren't, for obvious reasons. We've been here, haunting the mansion and its surrounding lands for well over a century."

"Beavis," Butt-head looked at his companion. "I think we've just encountered a mom who sucks more than yours."

"Yeah, heh heh heh! She wouldn't even let the poor lad score," Beavis agreed.

"But I've decided now that whatever happens, I won't let any of you fall victim to her again! I've been forced to lure victims here for too long and it's time I finally did what was right!"

"What's he saying, Butt-head?" asked Beavis.

"Uh, I think he's just trying to find a nice way to say he sucks," Butt-head replied.

* * *

Buzzcut struggled against the supernatural creature while attempting to hold it off. Its strength and grip were vice-like in addition to the glowing red embers that rested in its eyes, seemingly boring into Buzzcut's very soul.

Holding the creature at bay by the neck, Buzzcut flipped it over and leaped out the door, reaching for the gun he had dropped. Van Driessen and Daria quickly stepped out of the way as Buzzcut rolled forward and grabbed the weapon, raising it up. The creature snarled and charged. Before Buzzcut could fire, the door slammed into the thing just as it reached the opening. The sword that was stuck on the door went with it and pierced the chest of the ghoul.

"Uh, did we miss something?" asked Butt-head. He was the one who had closed the door on the creature. Next to him were Beavis, Cassandra, Stewart, and Samuel.

Since the door was not completely closed, it slid open again to reveal the creature with the face of Tom Sloane, grinning malevolently. The sword had impaled him through his back.

"You… wouldn't leave me hanging here, would you?" it gasped.

"No," Daria stepped forth. "I wouldn't."

Daria grabbed the sword and yanked it out, causing the creature to scream in agony. With a quick stroke, she lopped off its head. Everyone in the group, even Buzzcut, were surprised with her ruthlessness.

"What?" asked Daria. "I was just burying the hatchet."

"Um, are you gonna chop off his schlong next?" asked Beavis.

"I don't have quite as much practice with circumcisions as I do beheadings," Daria told Beavis. "Want to be my practice dummy?"

Beavis gulped after hearing Daria's suggestion.

"Now to get you guys out of here," Samuel told them. "As long as I don't possess you personally, my mother can't do anything to possess any of you."

"What will happen to you?" asked Cassandra.

"Oh, a few more years won't hurt," Samuel scratched his head. "I've been cooped up here for over a century already."

"Guys, I think we need to help Samuel out," Cassandra told the group. "He's done this much to help us already."

"Are you crazy?" demanded Buzzcut. "Let's get the hell out of here!"

"I agree with Bradley," Van Driessen. "Supernatural affairs of this sort are best not to be trifled with."

"I'm with them," Daria nodded. "Samuel may be a friendly ghost but that doesn't mean I'd like to join him in the afterlife so soon."

"Come on guys," Stewart echoed. "This guy's my ancestor. I don't know if I could live with myself if his soul could never rest in peace."

"What about you guys?" Van Driessen asked. "You have the final say in this. Do we leave with the knowledge that we've encountered the undead or do we stay and help this lost soul?"

"Uh, we'll help," Butt-head replied absentmindedly.

"Yeah, sure, heh heh," Beavis went along with his friend's suggestion.

"Sounds great guys," Samuel beamed. "Ever since you stepped into this building, my mother and I have gotten to know everything there is to know about you. I think you two can help me find my final resting place at last."

"Huh huh huh huh huh…"

"Heh heh heh heh heh…"

* * *

"This better be worth it," Daria said as she and the gang walked into the attic sans Beavis, Butt-head, and their ghostly friend.

The attic itself was a large room with a king-sized bed towards the right end. In the center of the wall was a large stained glass window. Just beneath it was a slow-moving rocking chair with the figure of an old woman sitting on it. Moving cautiously, Buzzcut took out his pistol just in case.

"I was wondering when you meddling kids would show up," the old lady's voice crooned silkily.

"Stay behind me now," Buzzcut ordered the group.

Immediately, the chandelier fell on in front of them as the stained glass window was destroyed with a strong gust of wind that managed to knock everyone on their feet. The wheelchair turned around, revealing an ancient corpse whose eyes glowed with an ominous hum. The corpse of Bella Jones also had a hangman's noose around her neck.

"You fools have turned my son Samuel against me!" Bella Jones shrieked. "For that, I'll make sure you never leave the mansion."

"He's no longer yours!" Cassandra called out. "Your curse is over, Bella Jones."

"Never!" the ghost of the old woman screamed as furniture began moving on their own, blocking all escape routes as the lambasting winds blew in even stronger. "You are doomed, all of you!"

"No!" a long voice cried out. "I am not doomed! I am the Great Cornholio!"

"What?" Bella Jones body floated into the air. "What is this?"

"I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO" Beavis kicked the door open. "AND I HAVE COME FROM THEE GRAVE FOR YOUR TEEPEE!"

"What are you?" yelled Bella Jones.

"TRICK OR TREAT, SON OF A BITCH!" Cornholio screamed at the top of his lungs. "GIVE ME YOUR TEEPEE OR THE STREETS WILL FLOW WITH THE BLOOD OF THEE NONBELIEVERS!"

"Get away from here this instant!" Bella Jones flung a sofa at Cornholio who dodged it nimbly.

"AND YOU WILL ALSO GIVE ME CANDY!" Cornholio demanded. "LOTS AND LOTS OF CANDY FOR MY BUNGHOLE! APPEASE ME AND THE SPIRIT OF THE GREAT CORNHOLIO SHALL NOT WREAK VENGEANCE UPON THEE!"

"You're not afraid of me?" Bella Jones looked confused. "But all mortals who have treaded into my lair have succumbed to the terror!"

"I am the Great Buttholio!" a second voice called out. "And I have come from the land of butt holes to steal all that you hold dear!"

"Another one of you?" Bella Jones corpse in the rocking chair seemed to back away steadily.

"YOU MUST TAKE ME TO YOUR VIRGINS!" Butt-head walked through the door. "THE GREAT BUTTHOLIO MUST FEAST TONIGHT!"

"YOU WILL TAKE ME TO YOUR TEE PEE!" Cornholio howled yet again.

"FROM WHERE I COME FROM, THE GREAT BUTTHOLIO SEES AND HEARS ALL!" Buttholio walked towards Bella Jones stalkingly. "HE STRIKES FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF HEATHENS!"

"ALL NON BELIEVERS WILL PERISH IN THE SECOND COMING OF THE ALMIGHTY BUNGHOLE!"

"ALL MUST SACRIFICE ON THE SACRED ALTER OF BUTTHOLIO THE GREAT! BUTTHOLIO THE CONQUEROR! BUTTHOLIO THE HOLY LEADER OF ALL ZEALOTS!"

"YOU MUST TAKE ME TO YOUR TEE PEE!"

"YOU MUST TAKE ME TO YOUR VIRGINS!"

That was the final straw for Bella Jones who screamed in fear and knocked over her rocking chair. It was the first time in eons she had ever truly met someone who was not afraid of her. Moreover, it was the first time that someone had ever struck fear into her shriveled heart. The absolute madness it drove her to was unfathomable. But before she could run away in fright, Buzzcut unloaded several rounds into her body, sending her crashing back through the broken stained glass window and falling onto the floor with a thud.

As the gang looked down, a pile of black smoke and ashes lay where her body had fallen.

In that instant, the bodies of Beavis and Butt-head glowed a light blue before twin flashes of light emerged from them and converged together to form the now-tangible body of Samuel Jones, ancestor of Stewart Stevenson. Now, he was a free man.

"Thank you my friends," Samuel told them. "The curse on me is lifted and now my soul may go on into the next life."

"May your spirit rest in peace," blessed Cassandra.

The spirit of Samuel Jones smiled as he was enveloped in a heavenly light. His soul transformed into a being of pure energy as he ascended into the night sky. After feeling the spirit of Samuel leaving them for good, the entire gang also felt a once-terrible burden being lifted from the mansion.

"Um, what just happened?" asked Beavis.

"Huh huh huh," Butt-head laughed. "I think that ghost dude did something to your head, Beavis."

"Boy," Stewart muttered. "I've seen more than enough crazy things on this trip to last me a lifetime."

"So Butt-head," asked Daria, who was clearly amused. "Any chance we'll see 'The Great Buttholio' again?"

"Uh, who?"

"Nevermind," Daria shook her head. "Guess it was just a one-time thing. Anyways, let's just get the hell out of here."

* * *

"Aw man," Kevin Thompson parked the car near the Bella Jones mansion. "Tank's almost out of gas."

"This doesn't look like a gas station," Brittany Taylor said cluelessly.

"Brrr," Jodie Landon wrapped her arms around her boyfriend, Mack MacKenzie. "This place gives me the creeps."

"If anyone's living here, we can hopefully use their phone instead of walking several miles to the nearest gas station," Mack told her hopefully.

"Ooh, let's go see," Brittany led Kevin out of the car.

The four young adults walked to the door and rang the bell. Creaking open, the door slid to the side to reveal an elderly woman with a seemingly charming smile on her face. She gestured to them warmly to come in.

"My my," the old lady said. "It's been such a long time since I've had a nice couple of kids over. My name is Bella Jones."

"Can we use your phone, ma'am?" asked Kevin.

"Yeah, our car's broken down," Mack nodded.

"Of course, of course!" Bella Jones agreed and ushered the four in. "Come in for some milk and cookies in the meantime. I'm always starved for guests!"

Jodie exchanged a nervous look with Mack but decided to follow their friends inside to the Bella Jones mansion. After leading the four in, Mistress Bella Jones looked out the door and smirked with an evil grin on her face. Her chuckles were quiet at first but eventually grew more medium paced. Soon, she was cackling full-force at the top of her lungs before she closed the door once more.

**Author's Note:** Kevin, Brittany, Mack, and Jodie are from Daria's show and are thus, property of MTV and Glenn Eichler. Same with Tom Sloane, even though he doesn't technically appear in this fic.


	18. Frat Boy Blues

**Coming of Age**

_Act XVIII - Frat Boy Blues_

"Wow, what a nice campus," Stewart looked around eagerly. "So this is where I'm gonna be going to college at."

The gang had just arrived at the University of Virginia. As promised, they would begin a tour of the place before they went to DC for the final section of their summer trip. The ones most excited about the visit included Stewart and, amazingly, both Beavis and Butt-head. Beavis was the first to show his excitement.

"So, like, do all the virgins go here, Butt-head?" Beavis asked.

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head. "That's why they call it the University of Virgins or something."

"Heh heh heh, that means all the dudes here are virgins too!" snickered Beavis.

"Yeah, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Actually guys," explained Van Driessen. "Virginia itself was named after Queen Elizabeth of England, otherwise known as the _Virgin Queen_."

"Huh huh huh! Sounds like Daria to me!" exclaimed Butt-head.

"Ha ha," Daria rolled her eyes.

"Mr. Buzzcut decided to go downtown instead of coming with us for this," Van Driessen told them. "So that means we'll split off into groups for our tour."

Cassandra was in an unusually perceptive mood today. She noticed right away the sour mood Daria was in. Out of concern, she took Van Driessen to the side and whispered a few things to him. Sensing the same concern she was, Van Driessen nodded and decided on how to split the groups up.

"Stewart and Cassandra, you're with me," Van Driessen said. "Daria, can I count on you to show Beavis and Butt-head around? I'm sure you'll get to know each other better through this experience."

Daria looked like she was about to say something particularly scathing towards David Van Driessen but decided to hold her tongue at the last second.

"Think of this as a learning experience Daria," Van Driessen looked at her seriously. "By the end of the day, you may discover something in your friendship with Beavis and Butt-head that you may have never thought was there."

"Yeah, like that'll happen," Daria glanced at the duo.

* * *

"So got any plans for after college?" Daria asked Beavis and Butt-head in an attempt to start a conversation.

The three of them were walking down the courts of UVA. Around them were a few students to be seen, most of whom were taking summer classes. The afternoon was closing in due to their somewhat late arrival but it didn't phase her in the least. The less time she had to spend with them, the better, in her opinion.

"Uh, we're gonna be rich and stuff," Butt-head told her.

"Really?" Daria raised an eyebrow. "And how, may I ask, will you do that?"

"Um…" Beavis seemed to be grasping for an answer.

"Do you even know what you'll be majoring in?" Daria pressed on.

"I'm gonna major in beer and chicks, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, me too!"

"Interesting," Daria stated. "And why would that be?"

"Because beer and chicks kick ass! Huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, heh heh heh!"

"So, like, what do you wanna do, Daria?" Butt-head asked.

"I've given some thought into becoming an author," Daria told them. "Not sure yet what genre I'll be writing."

"You can write, like, porno novels," recommended Beavis.

"Thanks, I'll, uh, take that into consideration," Daria said unconvincingly.

"And be sure to have pictures in it too!" added Beavis.

"Anything for you, Beavis," Daria said sarcastically.

"That's better, heh heh heh!"

Daria looked to the side. To their right was a local fraternity house, labeled Beta Beta, respectively. Deciding to have a look around, she gestured for the two to follow her.

"I'm not normally one for this kind of intense socializing," Daria told the two. "But let's check out the Beta Beta Fraternity. I'm sure you two will discover the so-called wild side of life."

"Uh, is there gonna be drinking in there?"

"Sure is," Daria nodded.

"Yes!" Beavis and Butt-head celebrated by head-banging together.

* * *

"You know something, bro?" Billy downed another cup of ale. "Fraternity life ain't what it used to be."

"You said it," Brandon agreed. "Keg parties every other day, chicks throwing themselves at our feet all the time, and nothing new to stimulate us. This blows."

Billy waved his blonde hair back with a flick of the wrist. He was the President of the Beta Beta Fraternity. A pretty boy with a cruel knack for psychological torment, he headed most of the frat house's activities in between the various girls he dated. In his world, there was no obstacle that couldn't be overcome and no challenge too great for him to fully conquer.

"You're right Brandon," Billy sat back on his couch. "We need a challenge."

Brandon was the left-hand man of Billy, in addition to being his supposed "best" friend. He had long brown hair combed to the side of his head. Though he was not as amoral as Billy, he still went along with the majority of things his friend did. Together, the two of them planned most of what went on in their fraternity.

"Yeah dude," Brandon said. "But what?"

"I dunno, it'll come to me sooner or later."

"Wanna go out and enjoy the party?" offered Brandon.

"Whatever."

* * *

"Whoa!" Butt-head noticed. "This party kicks ass!"

"Yeah, there's, like, booze everywhere!" Beavis exclaimed.

"Just noticed that, huh?" Daria smiled. "This should keep you guys entertained."

"Think we'll do it, Butt-head?" asked Beavis as he looked around at the frat party. "Think we'll finally score?"

"Hmm, maybe," acknowledged Butt-head.

"It's college life," Daria told them. "Who knows what college can do to people."

"Uh, cool things?" asked Butt-head.

"It's what you make of it," replied Daria.

Towards the other end of the hall, Billy and Brandon were glancing out, surveying the party for any and all signs of something interesting. They had met most of these people already, with the majority partygoers being members of neighboring fraternities and sororities. Billy's eyes shifted up and down, passing over most of the girls. Up to now, none of them interested him.

"Not much going on, huh?" Brandon asked.

"Actually," Billy's gaze pointed towards a certain girl in the audience. "There is. Come on, dude."

"Say what?"

Billy led Brandon over to the living room for a closer view. One girl in particular had caught his interest. She was surrounded by two males friends. To Billy, it was still unclear what her relationship was with them. But after a moment or two of reading her body language, it became clear that neither of the duo were in a relationship with her. And that was just perfect for him.

"Um, I could try being one of those animal doctors," Beavis told Daria.

"Beavis, just so you know, being able to spank the monkey or flog the dolphin doesn't mean you have actual experience with animals," Daria replied.

"She has a sense of humor," Billy whispered to Brandon. "I like that."

"Sarcastic too," Brandon whispered back. "She seems like a real challenge."

"Exactly," Billy took Brandon by the shoulder and led him over to Daria's group.

"Hey there," Brandon was the first to speak to Daria. "Mind if we borrow your two buds for a minute?"

"Knock yourself out," Daria stepped to the side.

Billy and Brandon led Beavis and Butt-head away from Daria to their room. They pulled out chairs for the duo and offered them some pizza. Immediately, Beavis and Butt-head accepted the offer.

"So, what're your names?" asked Billy. "I'm Billy and this is my friend Brandon."

"I'm Beavis, heh heh heh."

"And I'm Butt-head."

"Interesting names," Billy smiled. "Listen dudes, we've got an offer for you."

"Um, what kind of offer?"

"Help us get inside the pants of your lovely female friend," Billy said simply.

"Uh, you mean you want Daria?" Butt-head was incredulous.

"So that's her name, huh?" Brandon smirked. "Sounds kinky."

"Heh heh heh, kinky…"

"What do we, like, get in return?" asked Butt-head.

"We'll give you access to any sorority girl you want in this frat," Billy replied. "That is, of course, provided you introduce us to Daria."

"We got a deal?" Brandon looked at the duo and extended his hand.

"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed.

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis smiled. "We're gonna score!"

"I'm sure you will," Billy lauded. "Now let's get cracking."

* * *

Daria shifted restlessly on the sofa. She had seen social scenes like this before when she was in Lawndale, surrounded by many of her brain dead peers. Most of them were primarily concerned with socializing and looking good in front of their friends. All the characteristics of modern young people were prevalent here, from the peer pressure of drinking to the shameless flirting privy to all young adults.

Deciding that she had enough, Daria got up to find Beavis and Butt-head. Her decision didn't have to take long. The duo walked up to her along with the other two college students that had appeared a short while back.

"Uh, this is, like, Billy," Butt-head introduced.

"Yeah, and this dude's name is, like, Butt-wipe or something," Beavis said absentmindedly.

"It's _Brandon_!" snarled the college student.

"I happen to be President of this fraternity," Billy stated proudly.

"Are you now?" Daria did not appear to be too impressed.

"If you want, I could give you a tour around here," Billy offered.

"Hmm, sure," Daria accepted the offer. After all, she was quite bored and there wasn't much else to be done.

"You guys just sit back and chill," Brandon told Beavis and Butt-head. "We'll take it from here."

"Uh, okay."

"Yeah, heh heh. Have fun or something."

* * *

"And this happens to be our cellar where we keep all the beer," Billy gestured proudly across the room. "Ain't it cool?"

"Yeah, if you like turning alcoholism into an art form," commented Daria.

Brandon looked at Billy cautiously, clearly believing his friend had chosen the wrong girl to hit on. Billy was not affected by her sarcasm nonetheless.

"I see you haven't much experience in these hills," Billy grinned smugly. "It's why I'm giving you the tour after all."

"Experience, huh?" Daria was not impressed. "What kind of experience?"

"Oh you know," Billy told her. "College life experience…"

"And you're on your way to a degree?" asked Daria.

"Well, I got three more years left," Billy told her. "I would have two, but I had a little too much to drink my freshman year."

"So you were on academic probation for a while," Daria quickly summarized.

"You could say that," Billy showed no sign of embarrassment. "But it helps having rich, influential folks who can pull strings for you."

"Ah, the beauty of nepotism," smirked Daria.

"It's proven quite useful," Billy replied. "You should try it some time."

"I was offered the chance once," Daria explained.

"Really now?" Billy seemed to be more interested. "What made you turn down the deal?"

"The guilt was just too much," Daria responded not-so-seriously.

"I don't get it," Brandon interjected. "You could've done it but for some reason, you didn't."

"Maybe I'm just not enough of a full-blooded alpha male to do it," suggested Daria sardonically. "Not like you brave souls."

"I dunno," Brandon added. "You could've really made something of yourself if you did."

"Dude, that's no way to cut into a conversation," Billy said to Brandon.

"Man, I was just saying-"

Billy smacked Brandon across the face. The noise was not loud enough to reach the other corners of the house, fortunately.

"Don't give me no lip, bitch," Billy ordered Brandon. "I give the commands, you follow like the good little Beta Beta brother you are."

"Alright man…" Brandon subsided into silence.

"What was that for?" Daria glared at Billy. She expected such behavior from Beavis and Butt-head, but not college students at their age.

"Hey, you gotta learn Daria," Billy said. "In our fraternity, we have what we call a pecking order. And I happen to be at the top."

"A pecking order, right," Daria smirked. "So let me get this straight. The guys with the smallest peckers gets to the top, eh?"

Billy and Brandon looked like they were about to explode.

* * *

"Was it a good idea leaving Beavis and Butt-head with Daria?" asked Stewart. "She seemed kinda upset with them for the past few days."

Cassandra watched the students in the art building carefully molding their sculptures in the likeness of the great Renaissance artists themselves. They had come to this place at the behest of Cassandra to check out the art program.

"Well, I wasn't entirely sure myself," Van Driessen said. "But Cassandra pointed out to me that it would be a good experience for all of them."

"Yeah, if they don't kill each other first," Stewart said skeptically.

"Well, I was afraid of that as well," Van Driessen told Stewart. "But I decided it was for the best."

Cassandra left the art exhibit to rejoin the group.

"We've all been transformed by this trip," Cassandra said. "All of us but Beavis, Butt-head, and Daria. It's time that happened."

"What do you mean?" asked Stewart.

"Yes, I'm afraid that I'm a bit lost as well," admitted Van Driessen.

"They haven't seen each other for almost 3 years," explained Cassandra. "Much has been left unsaid between them when Daria left for Lawndale."

"Hmm, I never knew there was such a seething gap between them that needed mending," Van Driessen frowned.

"Yeah," Stewart looked at Cassandra. "All this time, I thought there wasn't any hard feelings between them before she joined our trip."

"Whether she likes to admit it or not, Beavis and Butt-head have been an important in the early stages of her life from kindergarten to high school," Cassandra told them. "There are other factors involved in her upbringing but by far, the two of them had far-reaching influences on her, from her perceptions of boys to her cynicism regarding those she views as less intelligent than herself."

"Whoa, that's some deep stuff," Stewart exclaimed.

"In a way, it makes sense," Van Driessen nodded.

"So what do they do now?" asked Stewart.

"They make peace with themselves," Cassandra answered.

* * *

"Uh, hey baby," Butt-head walked up to one of the sorority girls. "Wanna, like, get wasted and do it?"

"Let me guess," the girl sighed. "You're one of Billy's friends?"

"Uh, that dude who runs this place?"

"Who else could I be talking about?" the girl rolled her eyes.

"But, like, don't you wanna do it?"

"Get lost!"

The girl slapped Butt-head across the face, knocking him down with relative easy. Beavis looked down and laughed.

"Heh heh heh! You got rejected!"

"Shut up, Beavis!"

"She slapped you, heh heh heh heh heh!"

"This wouldn't have happened if that dork kept his promise," Butt-head complained. "He promised us we could have any sorority girl we wanted."

"Oh yeah, he did."

"It's, like, one thing to talk about giving us chicks," Butt-head stated. "But it's, like, another to not keep that promise!"

"Yeah, he should've let us have any chick we wanted," Beavis agreed.

"It sucks when people don't keep their word!" Butt-head exclaimed.

"We have, like, a word for people like that!" Beavis yelled. "It's, um… what is it again?"

"A butt knocking ass goblin who needs his ass kicked!" declared Butt-head. "Come on, Beavis! Let's find this butthole!"

"Yeah! Yeah!" Beavis was ecstatic. "We'll teach him some manners, heh heh heh!"

"Some people really need to learn respect, huh huh huh."

As Butt-head headed up the stairs, Beavis followed. On the table before the stairs, however, he saw a beer bottle standing there. Someone had apparently left it there and forgot to pick it up. Eager to get his first taste, Beavis grabbed the beer and took it with him upstairs.

* * *

"And basically, these are my quarters," Billy showed his room to Daria.

"Hmm, and I thought it would be bigger," Daria remarked.

The double entendre did not fly over Billy's head. The steady stream of sarcasm that Daria barraged him with didn't sit well with the frat boy. Increasingly, he grew visibly more and more irritated with her. Brandon noticed the change in his demeanor as well, himself being annoyed by Daria in addition.

"So let's hear a bit about you," Billy finally asked, holding his temper in check. "Are you a student here?"

"Nah," Daria told him. "I'm just visiting with a friend."

"A high school graduate, huh?" Billy smiled pleasantly. "So what college are you attending?"

"A no-name college in the middle of nowhere," Daria told him.

"That's too bad," said Billy condescendingly. "You'd fit in well here at UVA."

"You really think so?" Daria cocked an eyebrow.

"Of course, why would I lie to you?"

"I dunno, to stroke something _else_ besides that massive ego of yours?" Daria suggested to him with the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

"With an attitude like that, do you expect to get very far in life?" Billy demanded.

"You mean as far as your wiener can stretch?" Daria mocked.

"You think you're funny, don't you?" Billy said nastily. "You think you're smart and that you've got it all figured out, huh?"

"I know there's a life beyond elephant walks and soggy biscuits," Daria told him. She was steadily growing more and more impatient with Billy as well, especially his insufferable ego and shallow ways.

"Ha ha ha!" Billy chuckled. "You really are a dumb bitch, Daria! I've seen girls like you before in high school, always going around acting like depressed little pseudo-intellectuals, thinking their opinions actually mean anything! You think you're so smart and aloof and that you're above it all? Well I've got news for you, babe. You're not!"

What Billy said struck Daria like artillery fire. She felt a deep knot twist inside her stomach but took special care not to show it.

"You want to talk about how much the world sucks and how shallow all the jocks and preps are?" Billy continued, not pulling any punches. "You ought to take a look at yourself in the mirror. Yeah we may get wasted at all the parties but guess what? We're the ones who get laid and go out to have real jobs! What're you going to do? Sit around for the rest of your life talking about Sartre and writing depressing poetry? With the way you are, you'll be lucky to lose it in college, considering how many dudes you'd put off with your attitude!"

Daria had never had this nerve struck before. "You…"

"What's wrong?" mocked Billy. "Did I strike a _noive_?"

Daria struggled to fight back the sudden moistness that seemed to fill up at the rim of her eyes. She did not want to admit it but what Billy said did strike her hard. What was worse was that what Billy said really did hurt her.

"Hey don't worry," Brandon sneered. "To your credit, you're at least not one of those goth or emo kids. Man, they're even more depressing than you!"

Before either Billy or Brandon could see the small trickle of tears down Daria's face, a knock was heard at their door. Angrily, Billy yanked it open.

"What?" he demanded.

"Uh, so where are the chicks you promised?" Butt-head demanded.

Behind Butt-head, Beavis was standing there, attempting to open up the beer bottle's cork, a feat that was considerably difficult for him to do.

"The deal's off," Billy snarled. "Your friend didn't live up to expectations!"

"No way!" protested Butt-head. "Pay up, damn it! We, like, gave you Daria."

"Too bad," grinned Billy. "I'm afraid you'll have to take your prostitution services elsewhere."

With a final yank, Beavis screamed out loud and popped the cork off the beer bottle. It flew out with the force of a slingshot and struck Billy in the eye. Just before the pain could settle in, the stream of beer also erupted and hit Billy in the face, knocking him down to the floor.

"Aaaaaarrrrrgggghhhhhh!"

"Whoops, heh heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "Sorry."

"Look what you did, Beavis!" accused Butt-head. "You wasted the our beer!"

"You know, I was just about to leave too," Daria got up and went to the duo. "Come on guys, let's get out of here."

Butt-head decided to abandon the now-empty beer bottle and took it out of Beavis's hands, tossing it aside casually. The bottle rolled across the floor, bounced off the wall, and rolled towards the edge of the stairs, not quite rolling off yet.

Brandon stood there, unsure of what to do as the trio went down the stairs. Billy got up, covering his left eye angrily.

"What're you waiting for?" demanded Billy. "You gonna let them do that to me? Let's show 'em how Beta Beta punishes its brothers and sisters!"

Billy was the first to go. He ran over the beer bottle to get on the staircase. Brandon decided to give pursuit as well and followed closely behind his "Big Brother." Just before he could take his first step onto the staircase, however, Brandon tripped over the beer bottle, crashing into Billy and sending the both of them tumbling down the stairs until the two of their bodies slammed into the keg. The broken handle released a cool stream of beer on them.

"Now that's poetic justice for you," Daria observed with Beavis and Butt-head before leaving the house.

"Son of a bitch…" muttered Billy.

"It could've been worse," Brandon informed him. "She could've actually told the frat about your tiny pecker. I wonder how she knew…"

"Just shut up," Billy got up. Thanks to the wet floor, though, he slipped and fell on his face once more.

* * *

"Another two hours or so before Van Driessen comes back," Daria looked at her watch as she sat at the Welcome Center with Beavis and Butt-head.

"This college sucked!" Butt-head declared.

"Yeah, and I never got to try any beer either!" Beavis was equally fumed.

"So that's what you thought of the frat?" Daria asked.

"Yeah, huh huh huh!"

"You know something," Daria told them. "I thought it sucked too."

"Huh?" Beavis tilted his head slightly.

Neither Beavis nor Butt-head were particularly bright. This time, though, there was something about Daria's demeanor that had changed. Even they were perceptive enough to pick up on this. What it was, however, they could not figure out.

"I want to thank you guys," Daria told them uneasily. It was extremely uncommon for her to express herself so openly around the duo, especially when it required emotions that had more finesse.

"Um, what for?" asked Beavis.

"All my life I thought I had it figured out," confessed Daria. "I always thought I was smarter and more genuine than everyone else and that the whole world was nothing but a big charade for people to make shallow fools of themselves. In a way that's true, but really, there's more to life than just that."

Beavis and Butt-head were having a hard time digesting what she was saying. They did, however, recognize the sincerity in her voice that she rarely, if ever, used around them.

"The point is, I thought I knew it all when I really don't," Daria looked at them without any sarcasm or hostility. "I still have a lot to learn about life."

"Uhhh…" Butt-head seemed to be lost for words.

"Thank you for helping me realize that," Daria smiled warmly. There was no snide demeanor in that smile, only genuine warmth exuded.

"Um, you're welcome, Dia… err, Daria," Beavis said. It was the first time he had ever corrected himself from saying "Diarrhea." Even Butt-head seemed to notice what Beavis was doing.

A long moment or so of silence passed between the three. In the end, Butt-head was the first to break the silence.

"So, like, did you do it with that guy?" asked Butt-head shamelessly.

Daria rolled her eyes but the smile and good humor did not leave her face.

"Some things never change," Daria remarked.

"Yeah, like Beavis's wiener size!" inserted Butt-head.

"Shut up, Butt-head!" Beavis yelled.

"We still got another two hours to kill," Daria informed them. "Wanna check out the rest of UVA?"

"Sure thing Daria," Beavis nodded in agreement.

Side by side, the three friends walked down the campus as the sun shone above them brightly.


	19. American Dillweed

**Coming of Age**

_**Author's Note**_ In the last chapter, I created Billy and Brandon as collegiate versions of Beavis and Butt-head. The way I made them as foil was that they were every bit as socially retarded and as klutzy as the duo. However, they had money and connections all through their lives to back them up. That's how they were able to join up with all the frats and even get laid. Other than that, they were rotten to the core from being so spoiled.

_Act XIX – American Dillweed_

"Looks like we've finally made it," Van Driessen told the group. "You've been here before, right?"

"Yeah, huh huh huh!"

Beavis looked outside the window towards the Washington Monument. Strangely aroused, he began cooing at the sight of the enormous obelisk.

"Boi-oi-oi-oi-oing!" sputtered Beavis.

"Uh, what seems to be the problem, Beavis?" asked Butt-head.

"That, heh heh heh!" Beavis pointed to the monument. "I think we've seen it before, Butt-head."

"Oh that, huh huh huh!" Butt-head chuckled. "Looks like a giant wiener to me!"

"That, boys, is the Washington Monument," explained Van Driessen. "It's the world's largest obelisk in addition to a Presidential Monument built to honor George Washington."

"_Largest_, huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"As an interesting tidbit," Van Driessen told them. "No building in the Washington DC area is allowed to be built higher than the Washington Monument."

"Really?" Butt-head's eyes widened.

"So you mean, like, nobody's allowed to get a bigger stiffy than that Washington dude?" asked Beavis. "That's cool!"

"Yeah, I need to write a law too," Butt-head joked. "Henceforth, no dude in Highland will be allowed to have a bigger stiffy than President Butt-head, huh huh huh!"

Van Driessen noticed his cell phone ringing and picked it up. After exchanging a few words with Buzzcut, he turned his van at the next stop light and went into a parking garage. The gang got out and went out on the street to meet with Buzzcut.

"Looks like we're here," Buzzcut declared. "I'll be accompanying you for the duration of this trip. And I will do so until Agent Flemming gives me orders not to. Remember to exercise common sense, gentlemen!"

"How long will you be required to stay with Beavis and Butt-head?" asked Van Driessen.

"Until we find out the identity of this Mr. Lobby and bring him down," replied Buzzcut. "It's gonna be a while."

"In that case, let's go have lunch," Van Driessen nodded.

* * *

"Butt-head, how do you feel about fate and destiny?" asked Cassandra.

"Uh, what?"

Beavis and Butt-head were already at a local café the rest of their companions. The duo sat with Van Driessen and Cassandra while Stewart and Daria sat with Buzzcut.

"Do you feel that fate is calling you to do something great or do you feel that it's your own destiny to take matters into your own hands?"

"I feel it's my destiny to, like, score or something," Butt-head answered as best he could. "Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"What she means is this, guys," Van Driessen explained. "Do you two believe you have control of your own lives or do you feel there's something unseen is directing you and how you live?"

"Um, I feel like I'm in control of my own nads," Beavis replied. "Heh heh heh!"

"I meant what I said about writing letters of recommendation for you guys," Van Driessen told the duo. "Have you decided on which colleges you wanted to go to yet?"

"Ummm…"

"Uhhh…"

"Not quite sure yet?" Van Driessen asked.

"Uh, guess not," Butt-head told his teacher.

"Speaking of which, remember the original reason why you wanted to come over to DC?" asked Van Driessen.

"Wasn't it to, like, protest something?" asked Beavis.

"Oh yeah!" recalled Butt-head. "Uh, what were we protesting again?"

"Um, I forgot," Beavis admitted.

"This sucks!" Butt-head declared.

"Actually, I have an idea guys," Van Driessen told them.

* * *

In the lawn just next to the sidewalk on that bustling day, six people stood on the grass holding up signs. Their leader appeared to be a long-haired hippie while the rest of the protestors consisted of primarily students.

"This sucks!" Beavis announced while holding up his 'Give peace a chance' sign.

"Why didn't you remember what we were gonna protest about?" demanded Butt-head. "Now we gotta do it Van Driessen's half-assed way!"

"Come on guys," Van Driessen held up his 'Animals are people too!' sign. "This is what the spirit of the sixties was all about! You're exercising your rights as American citizens to organize peaceful protests."

From afar, Buzzcut watched what Van Driessen and the gang were doing from a bench. He shook his head in disapproval but could do nothing. After all, he was here to protect them and as much as he hated to deny it to Beavis and Butt-head, they did have their Constitutional rights to do things like this.

"I'm beginning to see how it went back then," Cassandra told Van Driessen. "Was the atmosphere back then as inviting as it is now?"

"Not exactly," explained Van Driessen. "Back then, young protestors faced stiffer opposition from the establishment and even from their own fellow citizens. But thanks to their brave sacrifices, we have the open atmosphere for activists that we do today."

"In no small part because of historic events like Kent State?" asked Daria.

"That definitely had something to do with it," Van Driessen nodded. "The killing of unarmed students there had a negative effect on then-President Richard Nixon and contributed to the already waning popularity of the Vietnam War."

"It's cool how you got to be a part of it all back then, Mr. Van Driessen!" exclaimed Stewart.

"Life could be difficult for us back then," admitted Van Driessen. "Just the label of 'hippie' was enough to turn off enough of the public."

"Huh huh huh! _Turn off_!"

"Yeah, this sucky protest is turning me off right now!" Beavis declared.

"But you guys wanted to do this," Stewart said.

"We didn't wanna do it like a bunch of hippies!" Butt-head retorted.

"Yeay, we were gonna do it like… um, I forgot what it was already," Beavis scratched his head.

* * *

Former US President Bill Clinton rode down the streets of DC with his chauffeur in his bulletproof limousine. Behind him, a few of his bodyguards trailed behind him to keep him safe.

His days as President were long over but there were moments when he still felt the need to come back to the capital of the United States. Today he was only here for an informal visit. He missed the old days of hustle and bustle when he was still leader of the free world. He had duties back then to fulfill and deep down, there was a part of him that wished he was still up there as Commander in Chief.

Clinton rolled down his windows to glance outside.

"Say, I think I recognize those boys," Clinton muttered.

"Shall I stop the car, sir?" asked his butler.

"Sure," Clinton nodded. "I gotta see what this is all about."

The former President got out of his limo and walked towards the small group of protestors. Behind him were his bodyguards.

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head looked up. "Check it out!"

"Um, have we met this dude before?" asked Beavis.

Van Driessen, however, knew who it was instantly. He dropped his protest sign and went up to greet the ex-President.

"Mr. President," Van Driessen shook the hand of former governor of Arkansas. "It's a pleasure to meet you in person."

"Uh, are you, like, that President dude?" asked Butt-head.

"Former President actually," Clinton corrected and got in between the duo. "Beavis and Butt-head, I must say that it is an honor to be here with you fine young men!"

"Heh heh, thanks."

"Yeah, huh huh huh."

"So how have you two been doing in high school?" asked Clinton. "Graduating this year, ain'tcha?"

"Uh, yeah, we're graduating or something," Butt-head replied.

"Um, we took, like, some classes and stuff," answered Beavis.

"Yeah, they sucked!" declared Butt-head. "Huh huh huh!"

"As you may know, public education reform has always been one of my top priorities," said Clinton. "I believe that it is the right of every young American to get the best education possible within the system."

"Uh, and I think it's the right of every young American to, like, score or something!" Butt-head joked.

"Absolutely!" Clinton agreed. "Achievement rate among students are dropping. Less and less are scoring well on standardized tests! This is a problem that must be addressed!"

"Yeah, some kids are just dumb," Beavis nodded. "Heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"You know something," Clinton said to the duo. "I am amazed. I'm amazed that two young men who have come from dire economic conditions in a lower income community can be so brave and so intelligent! Beavis and Butt-head, you have certainly overcome all obstacles in life to become the great Americans you are now!"

"He said we're _intelligent_, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Because of your aptitude and drive, you have gone from rags to riches," Clinton continued. "And now you are exercising your rights as American citizens to engage in your Constitutional rights of political protest. I have never been more touched to see the coming of age of two of America's best and brightest!"

"Uh, did he just say he was _touched_ to see us _cumming_?" Butt-head asked Beavis.

"I dunno," Beavis replied. "But he was right about me having drive! Vroom, vroom! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Beavis and Butt-head," Clinton announced. "On behalf of Washington DC and the great country you two have served in the past against the terrorists Muddy and Dallas Grimes, I would like to extend my hand of friendship and offer you a personalized tour of this nation's capital from my limo."

"_Extend_, huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Is it alright with you?" Clinton asked Van Driessen.

"Well, I guess I'd have to ask Bradley Buzzcut about it," Van Driessen admitted.

"No need," Buzzcut walked up with his cell phone. He handed it to Bill Clinton after explaining the situation to the former President.

"Hi," Clinton spoke. "Is that you, Agent Flemming? Long time no see, man! How're your kids doing?"

"They're doing fine, Mr. President," Flemming answered. "Can I be of service?"

"Is it alright with you if I take Beavis and Butt-head on a tour of DC?" asked Clinton.

"Hmm, I suppose it's alright, Mr. President," Flemming answered. "After all, I used to serve under you."

"Sounds good," Clinton acknowledged and switched off the cell. "Have a good one now!"

"This is a great honor guys," Van Driessen told the two. "Now would be a good opportunity to listen and learn to the many experiences of a former US President."

"Yeah, it looks good on the resume too," Daria agreed.

"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed.

"Yeah, sounds good to me," Beavis nodded in conjunction to his companion.

Bill Clinton led the two to his limo.

"I know about the brave boys who saved America a few years ago," Clinton said. "Now's my chance to get to know you as people. In fact, how do you two like the sound of an internship?"

"Be careful now," Daria smiled at Beavis and Butt-head sweetly. "Bill Clinton's _extended_ more than just the _hand of friendship_ to young interns."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Butt-head.

"Oh nothing," Daria smirked. "You'll find out."

* * *

"That certainly was swell," commented Daria after the duo had left with the former President.

"What do you mean?" asked Van Driessen.

"I was there when Bill Clinton came over to Highland," remarked Daria. "And so were Cassandra and Stewart. It's amazing how Clinton recognized the two of them over us."

"Hmm, maybe they've had a previous encounter," suggested Van Driessen.

"How do you suppose Mr. Clinton could've recognized Beavis and Butt-head after all this time?" asked Stewart.

"That's what I'd like to know!" Buzzcut cross his arms angrily.

"Remember that incident a few years ago?" asked Cassandra.

"Was it something other than the President coming over to our school?" asked Van Driessen.

"Yes, actually," Cassandra affirmed. "At one point when we were at the conference with you on sexuality, Daria and I were there with you, Mr. Van Driessen."

"Oh, that," Van Driessen's shoulders slumped.

"Federal agents busted in and arrested you," reminded Cassandra. "They said that they were looking for Beavis and Butt-head."

"Hmm, that may be how Mr. Clinton got more acquainted with Beavis and Butt-head," concluded Stewart.

"Some way of meeting the President," commented Daria.

"Yes, that wasn't exactly my… defining moment," Van Driessen straightened his glasses in embarrassment, recalling the moment his Miranda rights had been denied to him.

"I just realized something though," Daria said to everyone.

"What's that?" asked Cassandra.

"Bill Clinton is a lot like Beavis and Butt-head in terms of temperament," explained Daria. "If those two impress him even more, they could be on their way to having a stable career in the future."

"Hmm, that's an encouraging sign," Van Driessen smiled. "Looks like I may not have to write that letter of recommendation after all."

"You were really going to write them a letter of recommendation?" asked Daria.

"Well, yes," admitted Van Driessen. "Why do you ask?"

"Umm, no comment," Daria replied quickly.

* * *

Clinton's limousine had stopped near a local Chinese cuisine and he was treating the two to an even nicer lunch that they had previously had. His bodyguards were stationed just outside the restaurant, making sure they were safe in eating their lunch.

The entire time, Clinton had been talking about political topics such as education, environment, and finance reform. These subjects flew clear over the heads of Beavis and Butt-head. Neither of them could quite grasp what the ex-President was trying to say. Now Clinton was talking about his pets. Though it was an easier topic to understand, neither Beavis nor Butt-head were really paying attention at this point.

"Hah hah!" chuckled Clinton. "And then my cat Socks tried to sink his claws into Buddy when Buddy leaped onto the sofa!"

"Hey Butt-head, check this out!" Beavis nudged his friend.

Beavis grabbed a pair of chopsticks from his table and stuck both up his nose. He then grabbed a fistful of noodles from his plate and stuck it over his head.

"I'm a walrus now," Beavis said. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Yeah, a walrus with a mullet, huh huh huh!" remarked Butt-head.

"Heh heh," Clinton chuckled. "Good to see a creative side of you, Beavis."

"I am thee Great Cornholio!" ad-libbed Beavis. "Do you dare take away my Tee Pee?"

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh," Clinton smiled. "As a matter of fact, I remember seeing you two again on Broadway. You were able to stop those two criminals and steal the show!"

"Yeah, I kicked Beavis's ass on Broadway!" Butt-head gloated.

"Shut up, Butt-head!" Beavis ordered. "I kicked your ass!"

"No way, Beavis!"

"How did you guys like performing in front of millions?" asked Bill Clinton.

"Uh, it kicked ass!"

"Yeah, heh heh heh!"

Bill Clinton finished the rest of his lunch.

"So," he said. "Anything else you boys wanna talk about before we head to the Jefferson Memorial?"

"Uh, yeah," Butt-head stated. "Could you, like, tell us about the time you scored with that Monica chick?"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis added. "Did she have nice thingies?"

"Huh huh huh!" Clinton laughed. "You betcha!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh… huh huh… huh huh huh huh huh!" Clinton soon began laughing as well along with the duo.

* * *

"You know something?" McVicker held Miss Pastry's arms as he walked down the streets. "I'm beginning to see the bright side of life again."

"Of course, Mr. McVicker," Miss Pastry smiled sweetly.

"After this is all over with, how'd you like to take a trip with me to Paris?" asked McVicker.

"I'm not sure, Mr. McVicker," Miss Pastry smiled nervously. "Awfully short notice, isn't it?"

"Nah!" McVicker said. "I'm just a spur-of-the-moment kind of guy!"

"I can tell," Miss Pastry kissed McVicker on the cheek.

Just as McVicker and Miss Pastry walked towards a Chinese restaurant, McVicker paused.

"Is something wrong?" asked Miss Pastry.

Immediately, the air of self-confidence surrounding McVicker had vanished. Miss Pastry let go of his arm as soon as she noticed his entire body was shaking violently once again.

What he had seen had made him lose all inhibitions.

"Uhhhh!" McVicker said in a hushed whisper. "It's t-t-them ag-g-gain!"

Miss Pastry looked up. She saw two young adults sitting there chatting with a person who appeared to be former President Bill Clinton.

"Oh my God…" McVicker sank to his knees and held his head. "The p-p-pain… make it go away…"

Miss Pastry had nothing she could offer to make him feel better again. McVicker had lost all his cajones the minute he saw his former students and to make matters worse, he did not have any of his medication on him. She did the only thing she could do and pulled out her cell phone.

"Mr. Candy, this is Miss Pastry," she spoke. "Targets Beavis and Butt-head have been sighted."

"Excellent," Mr. Candy replied. "Trail them from behind. I want to see what they're up to…"

_To be continued._


	20. Beauty and the Beavis

**Coming of Age**

**Author's Note:** Sorry for the delay in this fic. Other events caught up with me but now I'm back. Coming of Age will be finishing up in three more chapters. It's been a hell of a ride but all good things must come to an end. Don't worry, though. I'll be sure to end it on a high note. Please R&R and tell me how you like the story! The more detailed and in-depth, the better.

_Act 20 – Beauty and the Beavis_

"Mr. McVicker?" Mr. Candy spoke into his mic. "Are you feeling better?"

"Y-Yeah…" McVicker's cracked voice came through the com system.

Mr. Candy smiled. Now that Beavis and Butt-head were in Washington DC, he would finally have his opportunity for revenge. And Principal McVicker was his ticket to that vengeance.

"Good, listen Mr. McVicker," said Mr. Candy soothingly. "I know you must've been through a lot just seeing them again. But I want you to trail them for me and see what they're up to."

"Uhhh, I don't know if I can!" McVicker replied. "H-H-How does a mere man keep up with Satan and the Anti-Christ in the form of those two boys?"

"If it makes you feel better, you're allowed to seek revenge on them," reminded Mr. Candy. "But only if Miss Pastry helps you go through with it."

"I-I-I'll strangle those bastards!" McVicker cried.

"Now now, Mr. McVicker," chastised Mr. Candy. "Remember, Miss Pastry is specially trained for this kind of work. You'll be able to get your revenge on them, but only if you listen to her."

"F-F-Fine…"

"Talk to you soon," Mr. Candy disconnected the link.

"Why does that fat piece of lard get a shot at them but I don't?"

Mr. Candy turned around to face a burly young man with blonde hair, sunglasses, and white trash clothing. It was Todd Ianuzzie. A while back, Mr. Candy had hired him to get rid of Beavis and Butt-head but Todd failed thanks to his partner Earl getting cold feet at the last second. Though Mr. Candy saw Todd as nothing more than a thug and was loathe having him around, he still had to admit that the man was quite effective when it came to brute strength and henchman potential.

"Be patient Todd," said Mr. Candy. "Remember, I was the one who got you out of prison not once, but twice."

"I know," Todd interjected. "But why does McDickHead get to try to kill 'em and I don't?"

"It's simple really," Mr. Candy told him. "Principal McVicker has spent the last four years putting up with their behavior. It's only fair that he exact some measure of satisfaction for what they did to him."

"Yeah, but I've been beating the crap out of the little punks since their middle school years," replied Todd. "I got more history with 'em."

"But have you been holding back to the boiling point all this time?" asked Mr. Candy. "Just because school guidelines specifically forbid you from disciplining them?"

"Well, I guess not," Todd grumbled.

"That's exactly why Mr. McVicker deserves this chance," Mr. Candy smiled. "Besides, it's not like I actually expect him to succeed in killing them."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Oh please," Mr. Candy flicked his wrist for emphasis. "Have you seen him stuttering when he talks? The man's a bumbling disaster waiting to happen!"

* * *

"And this is the Washington Monument, boys," Clinton gestured towards the towering obelisk. "No building in DC is allowed to rise above its level."

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head whispered to his companion. "We've seen this stuff before."

"Yeah, it's getting boring," agreed Beavis.

As Bill Clinton continued on with his speech looking directly at the monument, both Beavis and Butt-head walked off while Clinton's attention was occupied with his tour. None of Clinton's guards noticed either as they were at the concession stands.

After a while, the two of them were a good while away from the monument, looking down at the streets of DC.

"So where do you wanna go now, Beavis?" asked Butt-head.

"I dunno," Beavis replied. "How about some place that doesn't suck?"

"Uh, I think we're gonna have to leave DC for that, huh huh huh!"

As the duo walked down the sidewalk surveying the various shops and restaurants, two familiar faces appeared from an alley, watching Beavis and Butt-head go about their business.

"You p-p-promised me I could get my revenge!" McVicker told Miss Pastry. "Why can't I just go get 'em now?"

"Because we're in broad daylight," Miss Pastry replied in an annoyed tone.

"Oh, right," McVicker suddenly realized.

Miss Pastry watched impassively as Beavis and Butt-head entered into a thrift store near the edge of the street. She looked up and saw a clothing store tailored to men specifically.

"Hang on a second," Miss Pastry took McVicker by the arm and led him inside the store. "I think I've got the perfect plan."

"Perfect!" Miss Pastry exclaimed.

"I feel like a fashion disaster," muttered McVicker.

McVicker was dressed from head to toe in Victorian-style clothing. He now sported a black mustache that made him appear slightly younger than his usual age. On his head was a hat that fit his head quite nicely and to his right hand was a walking cane. He was dressed impeccably from head to toe. To further conceal his identity, McVicker now had a pair of glasses on.

It had all been part of Miss Pastry's plan. With McVicker now disguised, it would be much easier to get to Beavis and Butt-head without giving away his identity. She had no problem with herself since she was already a master of disguise and could pretty much take care of herself. But McVicker, on the other hand, needed a bit more… guidance.

"Remember, this is necessary if you wish to avoid detection," reminded Miss Pastry.

"Where are they?" asked McVicker.

"They're still in that drug store," Miss Pastry pointed towards the store the two of them had entered into. "I've been keeping a careful eye. They haven't gone out yet."

"Good," McVicker strode forth coolly. "Now to show 'em who's boss!"

Just as McVicker reached the store, the door swung open courtesy of Butt-head and slammed into McVicker's face, knocking the older man down on his back promptly.

"Did you get those sodas, Butt-head?" asked Beavis. "Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Yeah, huh huh huh!"

The duo strode forward as McVicker rubbed his nose in pain. Miss Pastry came forth to help McVicker back to his feet but McVicker waved away her assistance after getting up again.

"Let me at 'em!" McVicker bellowed and charged.

Miss Pastry shook her head in disbelief.

The infamous luck of Principal McVicker struck once more. Beavis had finished up with his can of soda and tossed it behind him. Just before McVicker could reach either of them, he tripped on the can and fell once more; this time the fall knocked the wind out of him.

Neither Beavis nor Butt-head noticed that they had injured their former principal.

"See, what did I tell you?" Miss Pastry helped him up once more.

* * *

"This shopping mall is big!" observed Butt-head as he and Beavis walked inside the building.

"_Big_, heh heh heh!"

"Almost as big as my schlong! Huh huh huh!"

The two of them were now inside one of the malls within Washington DC after walking around for nearly half an hour. Little did they know that they were being trailed from the rear.

"What do you want to see, Butt-head?" asked Beavis.

"Hmm, let's see if there's a movie theater here," Butt-head replied. "Maybe we can catch a movie or something!"

"How'd you like the trip with that Clinton dude?" asked Beavis.

"Uh, he was still fat!" noted Butt-head. "Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, he could lose a few pounds," agreed Beavis.

"He really needs to lay off the big macs!"

"_Big macs_! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Uh, would you like fries with that, Mr. President?" Butt-head began imitating a fast food employee. "Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Hey Butt-head!" Beavis said excitedly. "You be that Clinton dude and I'll be Monica!"

For suggesting that, Beavis earned himself a smack across the face.

"No way, Beavis!" Butt-head said disgustedly.

"What was that for?" yelled Beavis

"For trying to act like some intern chick!"

"But don't you like intern chicks?" asked Beavis.

"Yeah, but not when it's a dude pretending to be an intern chick!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh… forgot about that."

"Is that them over there?" McVicker peered out from his sunglasses.

"That's them alright," Miss Pastry nodded.

"I'm gonna go give 'em a piece of my mind!" McVicker walked over to the duo with his chest puffed out.

"Whatever you say," Miss Pastry rolled her eyes.

McVicker walked over to the fishing and hunting store they were at and observed them quietly. The two of them were fooling around with fishing equipment.

"Remember when we used to do couch fishing?" asked Butt-head.

"Yeah, we got Stewart in big trouble, heh heh heh!"

"Wanna try it again?"

"Umm, okay!"

Beavis grabbed onto a fishing rod and threw it back over his shoulders. It was also at this unfortunate moment that McVicker chose to step forward to confront the duo and subsequently his own fears.

The hook from the rod snagged onto McVicker's pants and with a tug, Beavis pulled McVicker down, back first to the ground.

"Uhhhh! No! No!"

McVicker stared down only to realize that Beavis had also pulled his pants off in the process. His boxer, lined with teddy bears, had been exposed. And in the process of falling down, McVicker's sunglasses, fake mustache, and hat had also fallen off, revealing his face for the duo to see.

"You little b-bastards!" McVicker growled and got up again.

"Whoa!" exclaimed Butt-head. "It's McVicker!"

"What's he doing here?" Beavis pondered.

"Uh, he's probably _fishing_ for a good deal!" Butt-head joked. "Huh huh huh!"

"Or maybe he's _fishing_ for bait, heh heh heh!"

"Yeah, let's hope he doesn't fish for our bait, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"I'm gonna make you pay for what you've done!" McVicker yelled.

The duo did not need to be geniuses in order to realize that McVicker actually meant it this time. They quickly slipped out of his grasp and ran as soon as he made a lunge at them.

Clad in nothing more than a business suit along with his underwear exposed for everyone to see, McVicker gave chase to Beavis and Butt-head. There was only one primal urge in his system. And that was the urge to maim and kill.

Unfortunately for him, Beavis and Butt-head also knew it. Though neither of them were experts in track, they still ran fast enough to give McVicker much trouble in catching them.

"Hey Butt-head," Beavis huffed as he ran. "Why do you think McVicker's really here for?"

"Uh, I think he's here to, like, try to kick our asses, huh huh huh!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh!"

"You little bastards are gonna get it now!" screamed McVicker.

The duo quickly ran up an escalator with McVicker trailing them slowly from their behind.

* * *

"And that's how it happened," Clinton said to Agent Flemming. "One minute they were with me and the next minute they were gone."

"I see," Flemming nodded. "Well, I can hardly blame you, Mr. President. After all, you wanted to show those boys what this great nation was all about."

Buzzcut crossed his arms as a frown crept across his face.

"Something wrong, Bradley?" asked Van Driessen.

"Yeah, if it were me that lost those two, Flemming would have my head on a pike!" complained Buzzcut.

"Think they went off wandering again?" asked Daria.

"Aw man, not again!" Stewart groaned.

"Wherever they are, we'll find them," Flemming reassured the group. "Because we're currently occupied with another case, I won't be able to spare any extra men from the CIA or the FBI in finding them."

Stewart and Van Driessen looked at each other uneasily.

"I have, however, contacted several close associates of theirs," added Flemming. "Several of whom I believe you've already met on your trip."

"Hmm, we've met them already?" asked Van Driessen.

"Yes," confirmed Flemming. "They along with Agent Bork will help you locate the whereabouts of Beavis and Butt-head."

A limousine soon parked up to the sidewalk they were standing across. Agent Bork was the first to step out, followed by several other familiar faces.

"Earl!" Van Driessen cried.

"Mom! Dad!" Stewart ran up to hug his parents.

"And look," Daria said to Cassandra in a sarcastic imitation of Butt-head. "It's _That Manager Dude, huh huh huh_."

"Hey Mr. Van Driessen," Earl came up and shook his former teacher's hand. "Some FBI dudes contacted me about helping you out. I had to see how you were doing and all."

"That's good to hear Earl," Van Driessen said gratefully. "We could use all the help we can get."

"How are you doing, Stewart dear?" asked Mrs. Stevenson.

"Pretty good, mom," replied Stewart.

"Your mom and I were contacted about this," Mr. Stevenson informed his son. "We've decided to help you see this through."

"And nobody's going to lay a hand on those boys as long as the Amazing Mucho is around!" declared the former Burger World Manager.

Daria looked closely at the former manager.

"Is that spandex you have in your suitcase?" she asked.

"Um, yes," the manager said nervously. "I brought it along with me…"

"Got any championship trophies to go along with that?"

"Eh, not yet," the manager frowned. "It may take me a few more months to get an official title shot."

* * *

It had taken McVicker a while but he finally caught up with the duo. They had run down a hall with an exit door that was already locked.

"Uh, looks like McVicker's got us now," Butt-head grimaced.

"Yeah, this really blows!" Beavis agreed.

The two of them backed up against the right side of the wall as McVicker closed in on them with both fists clenched. To Butt-head's side was a glass container which sealed up a fire hose in case of emergencies.

Butt-head cried out and ducked as McVicker's fist came crashing towards his face. Due to Butt-head's quick reaction, McVicker slammed into the glass casing instead, breaking it open and exposing the hose inside.

"McDicker's really pissed off!" commented Beavis.

"Aaaahhhhh!" McVicker cried and grabbed both Beavis and Butt-head by their shirts, lifting them up and slamming them against the wall.

"Uhhhh!" Butt-head cried and looked to his left where the container had been broken. "Grab the hose, Beavis!"

"No way!" protested Beavis. "I don't wanna grab McVicker's hose!"

McVicker slammed the two into the wall again.

Butt-head quickly used one hand to grab the water tap and twisted it to allow the water to start flowing through the tubes.

"No, dillweed!" cried Butt-head as McVicker shook them violently. "I mean the hose next to you!"

"Hell no!" Beavis cried. "I'm not grabbing your hose either!"

"Beavis, you dumbass!" yelled Butt-head.

Finally, Butt-head took charge of the situation on his own accord and grabbed the hose, pointing the nozzle of the hose directly at McVicker's groin. A powerful burst of water came through and hit McVicker full blast while he was still in his underwear, forcing him to drop the boys. He cried and sputtered as the powerful blast of H2O struck him down and forced him into a corner.

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"No! No!" McVicker cried. "S-Stop it, you little b-b-bastards! Uhhhhhhhh!"

"McVicker's all washed up!" exclaimed Beavis.

"Yeah," Butt-head laughed as he continued spraying the now helpless McVicker. "I dare you to give him a wet willy, Beavis, huh huh huh!"

"No way, asswipe!"

"Uuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!"

At some point, the flow of water stopped. Both Beavis and Butt-head turned around to see who had turned off the tap.

"I think that's enough for today, boys."

"Whoa!" Butt-head's eyes widened. "Come to Butt-head…"

"Yeah, and come to Beavis too!"

"Uhhhh, the horror… the horror…" McVicker was on the ground writhing and shaking like a helpless baby.

"Now was all that really necessary?" asked Miss Pastry.

"Uh, yeah," replied Butt-head. "McVicker was being a butthole!"

McVicker got up once more. "You little b-b-bastards! I'm gonna make mincemeat outta you!"

"Oh for God's sake!" shouted Miss Pastry. "Shut the hell up already, McVicker!"

"Y-Y-Yes Miss Pastry," McVicker finally seemed to cower.

The angry expression on Miss Pastry's face magically disappeared and was instantly replaced by a pleasant smile once more. She walked on over to Beavis and Butt-head, draping her arms over them lovingly.

"What say you boys come with me?" she asked. "I know you're just dying to…"

"Uhhh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh m heh heh heh!"

"Well, boys?"

"Uh, okay!" Butt-head agreed.

"Yeah, sure!" Beavis added.

* * *

Mr. Candy waited at his location patiently. It had been over an hour since Miss Pastry called him to report on her success. She had the two boys in her grasp and she was leading them over here this instant.

The former candy sales promoter looked around the settings. It was an abandoned court house in the shady side of town. For the most part, it was an empty neighborhood so it was just perfect for what he wanted to do. It would now be his one chance at avenging the great injustices he felt he had experienced at the hands of Beavis and Butt-head. Once they were here, they would be at his mercy.

"I'll tell you one thing," Pastor Clark Cobb said to Mr. Candy. "Even if those boys escape justice, they can't escape the careful eye of the Lord!"

Mr. Candy rolled his eyes. Truth be told, he did not particularly enjoy hanging out with the group of people he had gathered. But then he reminded himself that they all shared a common experience. And that was humiliation by the duo themselves. If anything, it strengthened what little bond he and all these people had in order to work towards their ultimate goal.

Finally, the door to the court room swung open. It was Miss Pastry. Behind her were Beavis and Butt-head.

"Ah, Beavis and Butt-head," Mr. Candy said with a snap of his fingers. "Fancy seeing you two here."

"Uh, what's going on here?" asked Butt-head.

"Yeah!" Beavis complained. "I thought we were gonna score or something!"

"Oh don't worry boys," Miss Pastry told them. "You're gonna score something alright…"

"Take a seat, boys," Mr. Candy gestured.

Todd and another one of his gang grabbed both Beavis and Butt-head, dragging them to the front of the court room and sat them down rather violently on their seats.

"Hey Todd, huh huh huh!" greeted Butt-head. "How's it going?"

"Oh, it's going alright, you little twerp!" Todd grinned sadistically. "In fact, once they proclaim your death sentence, it's on!"

"There ain't no escapin' justice now!" Clark Cobb said, holding up Socko and a Holy Bible.

Beavis and Butt-head looked around. The court was now packed with a large number of people. Some of them they recognized and others they weren't so sure on. There was McVicker, Rabid Ron, the Maxi-Mart owner, Billy Bob, Joe Adler, Jim the Substitute Teacher, and several others. Neither Beavis nor Butt-head recalled much about these people, but one thing they did remember was that nearly all of them either sucked big time or were total buttholes.

"Uh, this doesn't look good!" Butt-head declared.

Mr. Candy smiled and took the opportunity to put on his robes. He then put on his wig and with hammer in hand, walked up to the judge's seat.

"Order, everyone!" he called out. "Court is now in session!"

"Um, what's going on, Butt-head?" asked Beavis.

"Hmm, I remember that dude!" Butt-head said. "He, like, sold candy or something. And he got his ass kicked by Van Driessen!"

"Didn't he get his ass kicked by Buzzcut also?"

"Oh yeah!" Butt-head recalled.

"Beavis and Butt-head," Mr. Candy slammed his hammer down. "I now declare you on trial for your very lives! Have you anything to say?"

"Uh, this sucks!" Butt-head grimaced.

_To be continued._


	21. And Justice for All

**Coming of Age**

_Act 21 - …And Justice for All_

Beavis had been through this kind of event before. He and Butt-head had once been tried before in a case involving Tom Anderson's ruined house. In that trial, the two of them had gotten off rather easily. But now, the stakes were much higher and the people around them much less forgiving.

"Let's hear your side of the story first, Mr. Baker," Mr. Candy gestured for the former talk show host to come up.

"Gladly, your honor," Baker stood up.

"Uh, when do we get to talk?" asked Butt-head.

"The defendant will stay silent until called upon," Mr. Candy pointed his hammer to Butt-head accusingly.

"Thank you, your honor," Gus Baker said pronouncing. "Years ago, I was at the top of my game. I was a hit in my nationally syndicated radio show, my TV program, and my grassroots campaign for Presidency was emerging. All that ended when I allowed these boys onto my show, thinking they were good role models for young people."

"And were they good role models?" asked Mr. Candy with a curved smile.

"Absolutely not!" declared Baker. "The minute they walked in, they set off all moral alarms with their foul, denigrating language and their filthy ways!"

"You mean mooning you on national television?" Mr. Candy seemed amused.

"Yes!" Baker shouted. "It was the most disastrous moment of my career! These young punks threw a wedge into my Presidential campaign!"

"I see," Mr. Candy nodded. "Have you boys anything to say?"

"Yes!" Baker thundered. "Any excuses for your immoral ways?"

"Uh, don't blame us 'cause your show sucked!" Butt-head said to Baker dismissively.

"Yeah," agreed Beavis. "We never saw any boobies!"

"Young man!" Clark Cobb rose up angrily. "You're out of line!"

"No, you're out of line, asswipe!" Beavis shouted back.

"Don't make me go up there and finish what you started!" threatened Cobb.

"Mr. Cobb, that will be all from you for now!" Mr. Candy banged his hammer on his gravel.

"Huh huh huh!" chuckled Butt-head. "These people have problems."

"Yeah really, heh heh heh!"

"Beavis and Butt-head, have you anything to say to Gus Baker's accusations?" asked Mr. Candy.

"Uh, guilty as charged!" laughed Butt-head. "Huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, heh heh!" Beavis nodded. "I'm, like, guilty or something!"

"See!" Baker pointed to the two. "They don't even deny that they wrecked my show!"

"No way!" Beavis protested. "Your show sucked! I made it cool!"

"Mooning a live audience is not cool!" Baker shouted back.

"Order! Order!" shouted Mr. Candy.

Gus Baker breathed heavily before calming down again. He looked at Mr. Candy with conviction after gathering his composure.

"Your honor," Baker said with a deep breath, pointing a finger towards Beavis and Butt-head. "They are the reason why the death penalty must remain in place."

"I see," Mr. Candy replied slowly. "Does anyone wish to object to Mr. Baker's stirring speech?"

Nobody spoke… nobody except Beavis.

"Yeah! Yeah! The death penalty kicks ass, heh heh heh!"

"I'm glad you feel that way, Beavis," Mr. Candy grinned malevolently.

"Yeah, especially when I apply the death penalty to you punks!" threatened Gus Baker.

It was then that a flurry of objections arose from the court. There was no doubt that everyone in the courtroom wanted the duo dead. But how, when, and by whom they would be killed was a matter up for enormous debate. No one single person in the courtroom agreed that Gus Baker should be the one to deliver the deathblow.

"Apply your death penalty my ass!" McVicker shouted. "I put up with 'em for all four years of high school! I should be the one to do 'im in!"

"Aw hell no!" the Maxi-mart owner stood up angrily. "They got me arrested before! I should be the one to kill them!"

"I don't think so!" Clark Cobb raised his hand in the air. "These boys have been offending the Lord! And it's only fair that a man of the Lord be the one to end their evil!"

"You sit your ass down!" shouted McVicker. "The only one who gets to kill 'em is me!"

"You're out of line, McVicker!" Baker sneered. "A washed up high school principal like you doesn't deserve the honor!"

McVicker did not let the insult slide.

"Who are you to talk?" McVicker demanded. "You lost ratings because you were dumb enough to let 'em on your show!"

"Everyone!" Mr. Candy shouted and banged his hammer down.

It was a useless gesture. The arguments and infighting did not subside one iota. Mr. Candy decided that something drastic was in order.

Reaching inside his robes, he pulled out his handgun. With one contemptuous look around the courtroom, Mr. Candy fired into the air as a warning to all the people disrupting order.

"Are we done now?" he asked.

Everybody sat down with no further interruptions.

"As I was saying," Mr. Candy adjusted his robes. "Court is still in session."

"Hey Beavis," Butt-head whispered to his friend. "My wiener is still in session, huh huh huh!"

"Yeah, mine too!" Beavis chimed in.

"Think that chick's going to talk to us again?" Butt-head gestured towards Miss Pastry who sat next to them.

"Maybe," Beavis said. "Why don't you try it out, Butt-head?"

Butt-head stood up but was immediately thrown back into his chair by Todd, who now apparently was the new security personnel.

"Sit your ass down, punk!" Todd warned.

"Uh, okay Todd," Butt-head rubbed his back painfully.

"I'm going to call another witness to the stand," Mr. Candy banged the hammer again.

A middle-aged man with a receding haircut stood up. He walked towards the judge's stand. As soon as he was close enough, Butt-head stuck his foot out and tripped the man.

"Ugh!" Rabid Ron yelled. "What was that for?"

"Uh, for being a dillweed!" Butt-head responded.

"Yeah, you buttmunch!" echoed Beavis.

"I ought to strangle your necks right here!" Rabid Ron yelled.

Before the heavy metal disc jockey could make an abortive move towards the duo, Todd grabbed him and forcefully yanked him away.

"Don't make me kick your ass," the tough young enforcer warned.

"Yeah, yeah, I got it…" Rabid Ron complained.

"So, you're a radio personality too, I've heard," Mr. Candy tapped his finger on the table. "Not unlike Mr. Gus Baker."

Rabid Ron sat down as instructed.

"So tell me," Mr. Candy requested. "What is the nature of your relationship with these young men?"

"Years ago, they made an appearance on my radio show," Rabid Ron replied.

"And what kind of radio show is it?" Mr. Candy offered Rabid Ron to continue.

"It was a metal radio show and—" Rabid Ron answered.

"And it sucked!" Beavis interjected before the disc jockey could finish his sentence.

"Yeah!" added Butt-head. "And you're old!"

"Can I please strangle them?" Rabid Ron begged Mr. Candy.

"Maybe later," said Mr. Candy in a non-committed voice. "But for now, continue on."

"Anyways, they appeared on my show," Rabid Ron elucidated. "I thought they were normal kids who were into hard rock but the minute they stepped in, they insulted me tactlessly and made obscene gestures on my show! It was a wonder that I could get them off my show!"

"And?" Mr. Candy asked.

"And, well… that's it, I guess," Rabid Ron answered truthfully.

"Is it not true…" began Mr. Candy. "Is it not true that you, yourself, benefited from having these boys on your show?"

"Erm, what do you mean?"

"Don't take me for a fool," Mr. Candy sneered. "After they left, their popularity soared with your audience, even attracting new people who had previously never liked your show. You used the personalities of these boys to craft a new image for yourself, attaining new heights of radio stardom."

"That's not true, I swear!" Rabid Ron seemed a bit afraid now.

"Oh no?" Mr. Candy took out a laptop and played a recording from Rabid Ron's show.

"_Uh, huh huh huh! Then that chick put out for me when we went to that show with Testament, Iced Earth, Machine Head, and Pantera!"_

"T-That's not me, I promise!" protested Rabid Ron.

"Uh, we never said that," Butt-head said.

"Yeah, we didn't have enough money for that show," Beavis pointed out.

"Unlike the rest of us, you actually benefited financially and socially from meeting these boys," Mr. Candy pointed out.

"Well, I uh—"

Mr. Candy did not let the radio personality finish his sentence. With a flick of the wrist, he whipped out his gun and shot Rabid Ron three times in the chest. The disc jockey fell to the floor, dead.

"That makes you just as guilty as they are," Mr. Candy blew away the smoke coming out of his pistol. "Except your sentence is _now_."

"Whoa, cool!" Beavis exclaimed. "He shot that dude!"

"Yeah, can we see your gun, Mister?" asked Butt-head.

"Silence!" Mr. Candy pointed the pistol to the duo.

"What a dillweed," Butt-head whispered.

"Yeah, he won't even let us play with his gun, heh heh heh."

* * *

"And what can you tell us about Beavis and Butt-head?" requested Mr. Candy.

"Well," Todd stood before the court. "They've been a pain in the ass since middle school, always asking to join my gang and all."

Beavis and Butt-head looked towards Todd with admiration, despite the indicting speech he was giving. Neither of them really felt that Todd was out to get them in spite of all evidence to the contrary.

"And why haven't you allowed them to join your gang?" Mr. Candy asked.

"Because a couple of little turds like them wouldn't have gotten anything right," Todd replied.

"Interesting," Mr. Candy acknowledged. "Beavis? Butt-head? Is there anything you'd like to say to Todd?"

"Yeah, Todd kicks ass!" Butt-head declared.

"And if it weren't for Todd, this court thing would suck!" added Beavis.

"Wait a minute," Mr. Candy shifted gears. "Why aren't you defending yourself against Todd's accusations?"

"Because Todd rules!" Butt-head shot back.

"Yeah, and you suck!"

"Todd?" Mr. Candy looked towards the young man suspiciously. "Is there something you know that we don't?"

"Um, whaddya mean?" Todd stammered.

"For example, why do these two seem to look up to you so much?"

"Uh, 'cause they're stupid?" Todd offered.

"And why is it that in your first attempt to assassinate the duo, you failed miserably?" Mr. Candy pressed on.

"I told you already!" Todd insisted. "Earl bailed on me!"

"Or it's possible you could've spared the two in exchange for some kind of deal," Mr. Candy suggested. "Am I right, Todd?"

"No way!" Todd refuted the claim adamantly. "You think I wanted to go to jail just for making a deal with these twerps?"

"Hmm, that is true," Mr. Candy noted. "I do recall you howling on the phone like a madman when you called for me to bail you out."

Todd shuddered. He did not like being reminded of what he had to go through in a jail cell with Harry Sachz. The very thought of it made him sick to his stomach.

"You let 'em live!" McVicker stood up, accusing Todd angrily. "It's all your fault!"

"Shut up, tubby!" Todd yelled back. "I'm the one who nearly iced 'em, if you hadn't noticed!"

"So, like, does this mean we get to join your gang?" Butt-head interrupted.

"What?" Todd growled. "No way!"

"Come on!" insisted Beavis. "We'll, like, do whatever you say!"

"Then go jump off a cliff!" Todd ordered.

"Uh, I can make Beavis do it for you," Butt-head replied.

"Shut up, Butt-head!" Beavis socked Butt-head across the head.

"No way, bunghole!" Butt-head fought back.

Soon enough, the two were on the floor again, screaming and kicking at each other. The guards came up and separated the two quickly before anything more could happen to disrupt the order.

"Asswipe," Beavis muttered under his breath.

"Butt dumpling," Butt-head shot back.

"So Todd," Mr. Candy asked. "Are you certain that your mishap with Beavis and Butt-head was only because of Earl abandoning the plan?"

"Umm," Todd looked nervously as Mr. Candy reached inside his robe. "I swear on my life, man!"

Mr. Candy pulled out a piece of gum and began chewing.

"Alright then, I'll take your word for it," Mr. Candy chewed the gum, savoring its every flavor.

Todd breathed a sigh of relief. He was afraid the former candy sales operator was going to pull a gun on him like he had done with Rabid Ron.

"Well Todd," Mr. Candy banged the hammer down. "That will be all from you today."

"Yes Judge Candy," Todd sighed as he stood up and walked back to the seats.

* * *

"So how are we going to find Beavis and Butt-head?" Van Driessen asked.

Agent Bork did not have the answer. He was only the one in charge of the operation along with the other agent working with him. Agent Buzzcut, however, knew ahead of time what to say.

"Before we arrived in DC, I managed to plant two tracking devices on them," Buzzcut announced. "This way, it will be easier to find them!"

"How'd you manage to do that?" asked Daria.

"Simple," Agent Bork added. "Remember back when Beavis and Butt-head were still criminals to us?"

"Yes," Cassandra nodded. "How could anyone forget?"

"Dallas Grimes managed to conceal the terrorist unit inside the shorts of Beavis," Buzzcut confirmed. "We did the same thing this time, except with a tracking device."

"Wasn't a pleasant experience, was it?" Daria smiled.

Buzzcut shuddered, remembering how he had to cut open a hole in Beavis's pants just to insert the tracking device.

"No it was not!" he answered brusquely.

"How come Agent Flemming isn't helping us out?" asked Stewart.

"Agent Flemming is working on another case at the moment that requires all available resources," Agent Bork explained. "We'll have to make do with the group we have now."

"Eh, this group is all we need," Earl cracked his knuckles. "Some candy-selling douchebag can't be too hard to handle."

"Don't underestimate your opponent, Earl!" Buzzcut reprimanded. "Mr. Candy-ass here has built up a formidable reputation for himself in the crime circuits of Washington, DC!"

"Right now, I'm tracking Beavis and Butt-head to an abandoned courthouse in the sunny side of town," Agent Bork looked into his monitoring system.

"Remember, gentlemen," Buzzcut reminded the group. "Our goal is to get in and get out if at all possible! Saving the lives of those worthless worms should be our first priority!"

"Aww, and I wanted to kick some ass," Earl muttered.

"You may get your chance," Buzzcut reminded him. "But saving Beavis and Butt-head should be our first goal."

"Don't worry Earl," Stewart said cheerfully. "I'm sure you'll get plenty of butt-kicking opportunities!"

"Does this mean I'll have to get involved in the butt-kicking as well?" asked Daria. "Or Cassandra here?"

"This is an age of liberation," reminded Van Driessen. "You ladies are free to do whatever you wish."

"Then count me in," Daria put her hand out.

"Me too," Cassandra put her hand on Daria's, soon to be followed by the rest of the group.

"Let's go kick some major butt!" exclaimed Stewart.

* * *

"For the hundredth time, Mr. Cobb," sighed Mr. Candy. "We've heard your testimony before."

"But you haven't taken into account everything I've had to say about Beavis and Butt-head!" Clark Cobb waved Socko in the air.

"On the contrary, we have," Mr. Candy interrupted rudely. "You know… the usual hellfire and damnation speeches."

"Are you saying a man of God is not allowed to give witness to the crimes of these two?" demanded Cobb.

"You've already been up here three times," Mr. Candy rolled his eyes. "Haven't you had enough drama here yet?"

"Son, I'm here to tell you that there ain't no way I'm gonna let any of you have Beavis and Butt-head!" Clark Cobb shouted.

"Will you please sit down already?" Mr. Candy slammed the hammer down.

"Fine!" Cobb sat down. "But know that you can't ever silence a man of his word!"

"I'm a man of my word too, huh huh huh!" laughed Butt-head.

"Like hell you are, Butt-head!" Beavis accused.

"Listen up boys," Clark Cobb said from behind the two. "Since you're about to meet your maker anyways, I thought I'd give you the chance to repent for what you've done."

"Uh, what?" Butt-head frowned.

"Here," Clark Cobb handed Beavis a Bible. "I suggest you make peace with yourselves before you go out on a bang."

"Anyways," Mr. Candy looked into the audience. "Mr. McVicker, would you like to give your testimony?"

"As a matter of fact, I would!" McVicker got up.

McVicker walked up to the podium and straightened his tie out before winking back at Miss Pastry. The feeling, however, was not mutual as Miss Pastry simply rolled her eyes in disgust. Her patience with him was apparently at an end.

"What's McVicker doing up there?" groaned Beavis.

"Your honor!" McVicker stood upright with the utmost of righteous fury. "I would gladly give my testimony on these two!"

"Very well then," Mr. Manners gestured politely. "Proceed."

"As you may know," McVicker stood before the audience. "I've had Beavis and Butt-head as students for four years."

"Big deal!" the Maxi-mart owner yelled. "They've been picketing my store since junior high!"

Mr. Candy glared at the Maxi-mart owner to silence him.

"In their first year of high school, I thought they were simply problem children who could be dealt with over time," McVicker went on. "But as the years progressed, I realized that they simply could not be cured!"

"How come McVicker isn't stuttering?" asked Beavis.

"Uh, I dunno," Butt-head shook his head.

"Think we should try something?" asked Beavis.

"Okay, huh huh!"

Butt-head grabbed a small glass of water and chucked it at McVicker. Though it sailed past McVicker's head and smashed into the wall, the damage was already done.

"Y-Y-You little bastards!" McVicker howled. "What was that for?"

"Boooooo!" jeered Beavis.

"Get off the stage, McVicker!" shouted Butt-head. "You suck!"

"Don't make me go down there!" threatened McVicker.

"Order, order!" shouted Mr. Candy.

Using great restraint upon himself, McVicker finally stopped what he was doing and began concentrating on the task at hand.

"So you see, your honor," McVicker faced Mr. Candy again. "Every time a school event occurred, those two were there to ruin it. Whether it was trashing the teacher's lounge or ruining an event with a former President of the United States, you could count on Beavis and Butt-head to be there!"

"Yes, I've heard about that little incident with Bill Clinton," Mr. Candy smiled.

"I've tried every form of p-p-unishment I could think of dishing out," McVicker said sadly. "I tried group counseling, d-d-death threats, probation, and suspension! None of it ever w-w-worked!"

"So you have made sincere efforts to help Beavis and Butt-head out?" asked Mr. Candy.

"No way!" Butt-head butted in. "McVicker wasn't trying to help us!"

"Yeah!" Beavis added. "He was just being a pain-in-the-ass!"

"You shut up r-r-right now!" McVicker pointed a stubby finger to Beavis and Butt-head.

Mr. Candy sat back in his seat and put his hands behind his head in a relaxed posture. It seemed that McVicker's stuttering was getting worse by the minute. Soon, he would have to call McVicker off stage or else the former principal might suffer another dire heart attack.

"Anything else you would like to add, Mr. McVicker?" asked Mr. Candy.

"Yeah," McVicker got up and walked up to the duo. "Everything that I've gone through and everything that's been taken from me… is why I should be the one to decide the fates of Beavis and Butt-head!"

A flurry of insults then scaled all across the room. People in their seats screamed angry jeers at McVicker. All of them were upset that McVicker suggested he be the one to kill the duo.

"I don't think so!" Todd yelled. "A washed up teacher like you?"

"Yeah!" Gus Baker stood up as well. "They've ruined my life far more than they've ruined yours!"

"Hey Butt-head," Beavis got up with Clark Cobb's Bible in hand. "Check this out!"

"What is it?"

"There's some dude named um… I think his name's Jesse!" Beavis said. "And he's, like, hanging out with some prostitute!"

"Uh, what's going on?" demanded Butt-head.

"Whoa, and she's, like, rubbing oil on him or something!"

"Let me see that, Beavis!" Butt-head tried to get the book.

"No way!" protested Beavis. "I was reading it first!"

"The hell you get to kill them, McVicker!" shouted Todd. "A flabby oaf like you doesn't deserve to!"

"Why don't you c-c-come down here and say that to my face?" threatened McVicker.

"Better yet, I'll shoot you in the face!" Todd pulled out his handgun much to the shock of the court.

At that point, Beavis and Butt-head were still fighting over the Holy Bible in Beavis's hands. Just as Todd pulled down the trigger and fired, Beavis yanked the book away from Butt-head only to fall back right in front of the shocked McVicker and in the path that the bullet was traveling.

Immediately after the gun was fired, Beavis lay there on the ground motionless.

Silence filled the courtroom.

McVicker leaned down to take a look at him. Beavis's body lay there very still. He was the one who had been shot instead of McVicker.

"B-B-Beavis?" McVicker put a hand on Beavis's shoulder.

No response. Not even Butt-head was laughing this time.

"I-I don't know what to say…" McVicker stammered.

"Say no more," Mr. Candy told him as he got up. "A blight on this earth has been exterminated."

"You took the bullet for me…" McVicker said in almost a whisper.

"Uhhh…" Butt-head also seemed lost for words.

To everyone's shock, McVicker fell down and started crying.

"After all this time… you were still a good kid, Beavis…" sobbed McVicker. "I can't believe I couldn't see it until now…"

"Mr. McVicker, there's no need to get weepy," Mr. Candy told him.

"Yes, didn't you want that boy out of the way?" asked a confused Miss Pastry.

"He saved my life… he saved my life…" McVicker muttered over and over again as fresh tears streamed down his face.

"What's wrong with you, McVicker?" demanded Gus Baker. "This is a cause for celebration!"

McVicker paid the naysayers no heed. Gathering the body of Beavis, he stood up, wiping away the tears with one arm.

"It's okay, Beavis…" he said through the trickling of tears. "I'll make sure no one here hurts you…"

"Put the body down, Mr. McVicker," suggested Mr. Candy. "We have to dispose of the evidence later today."

"None of you are going to lay a finger on Beavis!" shouted McVicker. "I'm going to turn myself in and tell them the truth! Then Beavis will get a decent burial!"

"I wouldn't recommend doing that, McVicker," Mr. Candy's usually pleasant voice turned nasty. "Nobody's going to sell us out to the law and we're all going to make sure of that."

The crowd of people got up and closed in on McVicker and Butt-head menacingly.

Suddenly, Beavis's eyes popped open.

"Hey, how's it going?" he asked innocently.

"Aaaaaahhhhhhhh!" McVicker cried out in shock and dropped Beavis.

"Y-You came back from the dead!" McVicker cried incredulously.

"That's not possible!" Gus Baker shouted.

Everyone looked at Beavis's hand. He still had the Holy Bible in his hand. In it was the bullet from Todd's gun. Now they saw that the Bible had taken the bullet for Beavis the whole time, leaving the young blonde unscathed.

"Y-You're alive again?" asked McVicker.

"Um, yeah, heh heh heh!"

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!" laughed Butt-head. "I knew Beavis wasn't dead!"

Miss Pastry flipped through the air with a front flip, landing neatly in front of McVicker and the duo. She yanked the book out of Beavis's hand.

"I'll make sure your dumb luck doesn't last," she said charmingly.

With that, Miss Pastry knocked all three of them down with a spinning wheel kick. The three of them backed away from her and against the Judge's seat. Mr. Candy looked down upon them contemptuously as the crowd advanced upon the three of them.

"Looks like we have another traitor in our midst," Mr. Candy growled. "Isn't that right, Mr. McVicker?"

"Go to hell!" McVicker stood up and cursed Mr. Candy.

"Um, what's going on, Butt-head?" asked Beavis.

"Uh, I think all these dudes have it in for us…" answered Butt-head.

"Whatever happens, I'll be sure to protect you boys!" McVicker got in front of the two.

"McVicker's helping us out?" Butt-head looked incredulous.

"Um, I think he is, heh heh heh!"

"Beavis and Butt-head… Principal McVicker… your sentence has been pronounced!" Mr. Candy banged his hammer on the gravel. "And that sentence is death!"

_Cont._


	22. Journey's End

**Coming of Age**

_Act 22 – Journey's End_

"Move, move, move!" shouted Buzzcut.

The gang had just arrived at the court house on their small FBI escort vehicle. Agent Bork was the first to leap out, followed by Buzzcut and then the rest. Their mission was to save Beavis and Butt-head at all costs.

Quickly entering the building, the group followed the twists and turns of the halls before ending up at the main court room. From the sounds of it, something was going on inside.

Agent Bork peaked inside first.

"Uh oh, we may be too late," he said.

"Let me see," Buzzcut came up to take a look inside.

"What's going on inside?" asked Cassandra.

"Is there going to be a lynching?" Daria raised the question.

"There may be if we don't get them out of there soon," Van Driessen took a look inside.

"Wait on me, men," Buzzcut ordered them. "I have a plan!"

* * *

"Uh, this doesn't look good, Beavis," commented Butt-head.

The hordes of people were closing in on them. All of them had one thing in mind… to make Beavis and Butt-head suffer long and hard before ending their lives.

"Uhhhh, I think now would be a good time to tell you boys that I'll gladly lay my life down for you," McVicker turned around to inform them.

"Um, what's McVicker's problem?" asked Beavis.

"Hmm, I think he hit his head or something, huh huh huh!"

"Now," Mr. Candy brandished his handgun at the three. "Where were we?"

"STOP!" a voice rang out.

"What's this?" Mr. Candy frowned.

Within the crowd was Coach Buzzcut. Since there were already so many people there for Beavis and Butt-head's trial, nobody noticed that Buzzcut was a new attendant. It didn't occur to any of them that he wasn't really part of their crowd.

"Are you going to let that pantywaist do this to you?" shouted Buzzcut.

"Huh?" the Maxi-mart owner scratched his head.

"Look at him!" Buzzcut thundered, pointing to the gun in Mr. Candy's hands. "Isn't it obvious that Mr. Candy-ass here only wants to save those idiots for himself?"

Some of the crowd turned to Mr. Candy suspiciously.

"Yeah, why is that?" asked Gus Baker. "I've waited an awfully long time to get my revenge!"

"Me too!" the Maxi-mart owner echoed. "I don't see why you get to do it!"

"If anyone gets to kill those turds, it's me!" declared Todd.

"Look everyone," Mr. Candy told them angrily. "Our goal was to include the deaths of Beavis and Butt-head. Does it really matter how they get the death sentence!"

"YES!" thundered his entire audience.

"I call the shots around here!" Mr. Candy waved his gun threateningly. "And as long as I'm in charge, I'll be the one to….!"

Mr. Candy quickly ducked as a beer bottle was thrown at his head. It smashed open against the wall behind him. The former candy sales promoter was forced to leap off his podium as another flying item threatened to knock him off.

"I'll kill them!"

"No, asshole! I will!"

"No, me first!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"MEEEE!"

Chaos and pandemonium erupted in the courtroom as the entire audience broke into one massive fight over who would be able to claim the lives of the two. Heads were bashed in, broken bottles were thrown, fists were flying, and tempers were flaring as nearly everyone in that room entered into the violent fray.

Buzzcut ducked a baseball bat and rolled towards the front door. He opened it up and beckoned everyone to come inside. Agent Bork was the first to step inside, followed by Van Driessen, Cassandra, Stewart, Daria, Earl, the Stevensons, and the former Burger World manager.

In the corner, McVicker put his body in front of Beavis and Butt-head.

"Let me at 'em!" shouted the Maxi-mart owner.

"Over my dead body!" shouted McVicker.

"My sentiments exactly!" the Maxi-mart owner tackled McVicker.

"This kicks ass!" Butt-head commented.

"Yeah, they're really beating each other up!" Beavis agreed.

"I'll give you a slurpee right here!" McVicker boxed the Maxi-mart owner across the face.

Buzzcut and Earl were eagerly punching and kicking their way through the hordes of opponents they faced. Van Driessen, Stewart, and the rest, however, were much stealthier, making sure not to get too involved in any fisticuffs or violent altercations.

"Now where'd those two go off to?" Todd looked around.

"FEAR NOT, THE AMAZING MUCHO IS HERE!"

"What the hell!" Todd looked up.

The last thing Todd saw before he was completely knocked over was a fat spandexed man with eyeglasses and curly hair. The enormous body of the Burger World manager flew off the top podium and crashed into Todd, sending the young man falling back-first on the floor.

* * *

Buzzcut and Van Driessen moved in closer to Beavis and Butt-head. As they did, they witnessed something they had never expected to see in a thousand years.

"Stay away from them!" McVicker punched off yet another attacker who tried lunging for the duo.

"Well I'll be a monkey's uncle," Buzzcut muttered.

At the moment, another assailant leaped onto McVicker. Buzzcut ran forth and grabbed that man, hurling him off of McVicker.

Van Driessen looked around. To his right, he saw a pretty young woman seemingly cowed by the violence around her.

"Ma'am?" Van Driessen looked at her. "Are you alright?"

"Yes indeed!" Miss Pastry dropped her innocent act and caught Van Driessen off guard with a front snap kick to his chin.

Van Driessen fell down, surprised at how strong she was.

"Didn't expect that from little ol' me, did you?" Miss Pastry smiled.

Van Driessen got up but Miss Pastry flew into him with a flying sidekick. He was thrown back yet again. This time, she grabbed him by his collar and lifted him up.

"Now to kick your sorry hippie ass," she whispered sweetly into his ear.

"Put him down!"

Cassandra leaped onto Miss Pastry's back and managed to hold her down briefly. With a burst of strength, Miss Pastry threw Cassandra off.

"Your turn's coming up next, you new age nitwit!" she snarled.

Daria picked up the hammer from Mr. Candy's podium and clocked Miss Pastry neatly from behind the back of her head. The female assassin dropped down, rendered unconscious from the blow.

"Thanks Daria," Van Driessen said.

"Don't mention it," smiled Daria.

* * *

Todd got up groggily. It felt as if several of his ribs had been broken from the impact of the fat man landing on him. Still, he would not be deterred from taking his rightful kill. As he observed the chaos around him, he noted that the violence had not died down yet, with everyone exchanging blows over the right to kill Beavis and Butt-head.

Then he saw another sight that made his blood boil. It was Stewart Stevenson, the punk kid who had shot him down and put him to prison.

"You again, you little twerp!" he ran forward and grabbed Stewart.

"Aaahhh!" yelled Stewart. "Put me down!"

"Not this time!" Todd drove his fist into Stewart's solar plexus. The young Stevenson fell down and gasped for air.

"Hurt didn't it?" Todd mocked as he kicked Stewart in the side. Then he drove his foot into Stewart's back.

"Put my son down right now!" ordered Mr. Stevenson as he raised a chair threateningly.

Todd yanked Stewart up and put his hand around the younger man's neck.

"Come any closer and I'll kill the little punk!" threatened Todd.

"Oh dear…" Mrs. Stevenson gasped.

Stewart felt the blood in his circulation being cut off my Todd's chokehold. Then another realization struck him. He was in this for his two friends, Beavis and Butt-head. If he failed them now by dying, what good of a friend was he to them? And it wasn't just Beavis and Butt-head. There were his parents, Mr. Van Driessen, Cassandra, Daria, and the rest. How could he fail them here and now?

"I suggest you back away," Todd told the Stevensons. "Your son and I got some catching up to do…"

With a burst of strength, Stewart suddenly began prying Todd's hands off his throat. Even Todd was surprised Stewart could do this.

"Catch… this!" Stewart shouted.

Todd's world turned upside down in an instant. Stewart managed to slip out of Todd's grip and rammed his knee into Todd's groin.

Todd roared in pain and fell down, he rolled over several times crutching at his groin from the throbbing.

"I learned that from the master!" declared Stewart, referring to Beavis.

Mr. Stevenson charged angrily and brought the chair down on Todd's head, knocking the thug out for good.

* * *

"Whoa, I never knew McVicker could kick so much ass!" Butt-head said to Beavis as they watched McVicker, Earl, and Buzzcut fight off dozens of men.

"Yeah, I'll never look at McDicker the same again!"

"How will you look at him?" asked Butt-head.

"Um, as some old dude who can kick ass?"

"Hmm, sounds right to me, huh huh huh!"

"We already knew Earl and Buzzcut could kick ass, but not McVicker, heh heh heh!"

"Yeah, McVicker's been taking his vitamins, huh huh huh!"

"I AM ZE MCVICKERNATOR!" Beavis shrieked comically. "HASTA LA VISTA, BABY!"

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh hehh heh heh heh heh!"

In a few minutes it was all over. Everyone in the room had beaten the crap out of everyone else thanks to Buzzcut's cunning idea. The few that were left standing scattered.

"You guys okay?" Daria shot a glance at Beavis and Butt-head's direction.

"Yeah, huh huh huh!"

"Good thing we found you guys," Van Driessen breathed a sigh of relief.

"Not so fast!"

Before Beavis or Butt-head could move, they noticed Gus Baker with his pistol aimed at them.

"Nice gun, huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed.

"Um, I think he wants to shoot us with that, Butt-head," remarked Beavis.

Buzzcut and Agent Bork moved in but Gus Baker held them in place with yet another gun in his other hand.

"I wouldn't recommend it," Gus Baker warned them.

"Think you can reach your gun in time?" Agent Bork whispered to Buzzcut.

"I'll need a distraction," Buzzcut whispered back.

"Oh, how I've waited for this moment!" Baker smiled.

"Leave them alone!"

"Ugh!" Baker cried as the former Burger World manager tackled him.

The two struggled briefly for a second before Baker hit the manager-turned-pro-wrestler in the side of the head with his gun, knocking him off.

"The manager dude kicks ass," Butt-head declared.

"Yeah, he's a wrestler now, heh heh!"

"Back to you!" Gus Baker squeezed down at the trigger while aiming for the duo.

BAM!

A shot rang out and in a split second, Gus Baker was on the floor howling like a rabid and diseased animal that had just gotten a lethal injection. It became obvious to everyone soon enough that he had been shot in the butt.

They turned to the source of the gunfire. It was none other than Mr. Graham. Though bandaged up and still recovering from his long, hard fall, he still managed to stand up still.

Buzzcut reached for his gun. Was this another man who wanted to kill Beavis and Butt-head himself?

Mr. Graham then lowered his rifle and threw it to the side to everyone's surprise.

"Did you see that, Beavis?" exclaimed Butt-head. "He shot that dude in the butt!"

"Yeah, heh heh heh! He rules!"

"Hey Beavis," Mr. Graham called out.

"Yes sir?" Beavis replied.

"Thanks for the apology."

"Um, don't mention it, heh heh heh!"

"Looks like everything's taken care of," Agent Bork announced.

"You boys okay?" asked the Burger World manager.

"I think I broke a tailbone, heh heh!"

"Shut up, Beavis!" accused Butt-head. "You didn't even fight!"

"Neither did you, bunghole!"

"Yeah, well at least I didn't lie about it!"

"Butt monkey!"

"Dillweed!"

"Asswipe!"

"Buttlick!"

"Whoa dudes," Earl said. "Calm down. We can settle this later when we get back to Highland."

"I've messaged Agent Flemming," announced Agent Bork. "He and his men have just finished their case. They'll come down to do some clean-up for us."

"Sounds lovely," Van Driessen replied.

"Oh, and Agent Buzzcut," Bork complimented. "You showed some real ingenuity and quick thinking with how you resolved this situation."

"Thank you, sir," Buzzcut saluted. "But we're not quite done yet. There's still Mr. Candy we have to take care of."

"By the way, where is he?"

Almost on cue, Mr. Candy leaped out from behind Beavis and Butt-head and grabbed them.

Miss Pastry was by his side as well with her pistol trained on Butt-head's sternum while Mr. Candy had his gun aimed at Beavis's skull.

"Back away from here slowly," Miss Pastry ordered.

The rest of the duo's friends and allies backed away from them.

"Good," Mr. Candy took the duo with him to the nearest exist. "Try not to follow us."

With their guns trained carefully on both the hostages and the rescuers, Mr. Candy and his assistant disappeared out a back door with the duo in hand.

Buzzcut was the first to rush forth and break down the door when they exited.

"Where the hell are they?" he roared.

The sound of a helicopter above the building was soon heard.

"They're up there!" Van Driessen shouted.

The gang quickly ran up. By the time they reached the top of the building, all they saw was a helicopter flying off into the distance.

"Agent Buzzcut to Agent Flemming!" Buzzcut spoke into his intercom. "We have the targets flying in a black helicopter towards the Washington Monument!"

"We'll be there to assist you, Agent Buzzcut!" Agent Flemming's voice came through.

* * *

"Like what you see, boys?" Mr. Candy asked the duo who were now strapped down in their seatbelts.

"Uh, we've, like, seen this place before," Butt-head told him.

Miss Pastry nudged Butt-head on the side of his temple with her gun to silence him.

"I think I'll do this the short and simple way," Mr. Candy informed them. "I'm going to drop you into the Reflecting Pool between the Washington Monument and the Lincoln Memorial."

"Uh, I don't think you want Beavis in a pool," Butt-head informed him. "He likes to pee in them, huh huh huh!"

"Oh, not to worry boys," Mr. Candy replied smoothly. "At this height, a fall would most likely kill the both of you!"

Beavis and Butt-head gulped.

"Or maybe I should fly even higher and watch as you two fall down and impale yourselves onto the Washington Monument," pondered Mr. Candy. "Besides, even if you missed being impaled, you'd still fall and go splat on the sidewalk."

"Oh why don't you just shoot them already?" Miss Pastry cried in frustration. "You wouldn't have gotten us in so much trouble if you'd just kept it simple!"

"Now now, my dear," Mr. Candy chastised her. "I think we should leave the options up to Beavis and Butt-head themselves."

"Uh, could you, like, let me go," Butt-head asked. "You can have Beavis, huh huh huh!"

"No way, Butt-head!" cried Beavis. "What're you doing?"

"Mr. Candy," Miss Pastry pointed out. "I hate to have to tell you this, but I think you're going to have to postpone your celebrations."

Mr. Candy looked out the window. His helicopter was completely surrounded by special FBI choppers in the air. He looked down. On the ground were several police units lying in wait for him.

"I don't believe this!" he cursed.

"That's it," Miss Pastry said. "I'm not sticking around to take the fall for you!"

"Huh huh huh! _Sticking_ around…"

"No, wait!" shouted Mr. Candy. "What're you doing?"

Miss Pastry put on her parachute and leaped out the helicopter.

"I… I can't pilot this thing!" cried Mr. Candy.

"Uh, let us try!" Butt-head declared.

Before Mr. Candy could reply to that, Butt-head grabbed onto the control and sent the helicopter spinning around in a few circles.

"Do you even know what the hell you're doing?" Mr. Candy shouted.

"Uhh, not really, huh huh!"

"You're pretty good at this, Butt-head!" Beavis complimented.

"Attention, Mr. Candy!" Agent Flemming shouted with a microphone in his helicopter which hovered a few feet away from theirs. "We have you surrounded. Surrender the boys peacefully and take the helicopter down!"

"Oh great," muttered Mr. Candy.

"Hey Butt-head," Beavis asked. "Let me pilot this thing!"

"No way, Beavis!" Butt-head replied. "I got here first!"

"Come on, Butt-head! I really wanna try this!"

"Go get your own helicopter, dillhole!"

"Damn it, Butt-head!" insisted Beavis. "I wanna fly this!"

"For the last time, Beavis!" Butt-head pushed Beavis away. "Go get your own airplane!"

"No way!" Beavis cried and leaped onto Butt-head. "I wanna try this!"

The helicopter lurched forth and began spinning out of control. Inside the chopper, Mr. Candy was thrown back and forth, first hitting his head against the wall and then falling flat on his back thanks to the fight the duo had gotten into.

"Are you crazy?" he shouted.

"Let me fly, assmunch!" shouted Beavis as he grabbed onto the controls.

Another movement to the right sent Mr. Candy crashing against one of the glass windows, his face splattering into it like a fly.

"Damn it, Beavis, you can't fly!"

"I can too, asswipe!"

"Damn it!" Mr. Candy got up. "If I go down, you idiots go down with me."

The crazed man took out his pistol and carefully made his way up to the front where Beavis and Butt-head were struggling over the controls.

"You two!" he shouted, aiming their gun at them. "Knock it off!"

But it was far too late for that kind of intervention. The rotors on the helicopter sliced into the Washington Monument, sending all of them lurching outside the pilot's door.

The helicopter sputtered as the badly damaged blades finally gave out. With a screeching cry, the engines finally ignited on fire. The helicopter hovered briefly in the air before

"Nooooo!" howled Mr. Candy.

All three of them tumbled out. Butt-head was the first to fall. Lucky for him, he grabbed on to the landing skids. Beavis was the second to fall, grabbing onto Butt-head's legs for support.

With a horrified shriek, Mr. Candy was thrown out violently from his seat into the sky. As he fell, he managed to grasp on to Beavis's feet. Finally, the helicopter began its downward spiral towards the Lincoln monument over the Reflecting Pool.

"Don't let me fall!" screamed Mr. Candy, clutching on to Beavis's shoes tightly.

"Ugh," Butt-head looked down. "You're holding on too tight, Beavis!"

"Oh, sorry, heh heh heh!"

"I'm too young to die!" Mr. Candy seized on to Beavis's leg, trying to make his way back up again.

"Hey… what're you doing?" Beavis demanded as Mr. Candy's hand gripped his femur.

"I think he wants you, Beavis, huh huh huh!" laughed Butt-head.

Attempting to paw his way back up to the helicopter, Mr. Candy accidentally clenched onto Beavis's shorts on his way up.

"Aaaahhhhh!" howled Beavis. "Let go, pervert!"

"Let me up!" Mr. Candy cried out.

"No way!"

Mr. Candy lost his trip slightly and yanked Beavis's shorts down, exposing his underwear. This time, Beavis thrashed about more wildly in panic.

"Let me up there!" ordered Mr. Candy.

"No way, pervert!" Beavis finally cried and kicked Mr. Candy in his chest. Mr. Candy fell but grabbed on to Beavis's foot. Again, he tried climbing up again.

"He's trying to touch your butt, huh huh huh!" chuckled Butt-head as he felt his grip on the railing slip steadily.

"Get off, you son of a bitch!" Beavis declared. "You're not getting to my wiener, damn it!"

This time, he slammed his open foot into Mr. Candy's face, sending the former candy sales operator plummeting to the ground.

"Aaaaaahhhhh!" a bloodcurdling scream erupted from Mr. Candy as he fell.

Fortunately for him, the SWAT team on the ground had a trampoline ready. Mr. Candy bounced off the trampoline and fell into the Reflecting Pool.

As the helicopter continued its downward spiral, Butt-head felt his grip loosening up.

"Can't… hold on… huh huh…"

Finally, Butt-head's grip loosened and both he and Beavis fell down from the air. Once more, the trampoline was there for them. They bounced off the trampoline and landed on their teachers. Butt-head fell on top of Van Driessen while Beavis landed in Buzzcut's arms. The helicopter finally crashed just a few feet away from the Lincoln memorial.

"My hero, heh heh heh," joked Beavis, looking up at Buzzcut.

"You sicken me, boy," Buzzcut sneered and dropped Beavis rear-first onto the hard pavement.

"Ow, heh heh heh…"

"Uh, huh huh huh!"

"I swear I'll get you!" a wet and ragged Mr. Candy yelled as he was led away by secret service agents. "If it's the last thing I do, I'll get you both!"

"Beavis and Butt-head, you've once again done a great service in honor of your country by capturing this deranged individual," Agent Flemming told them. "We are once again in your debt."

In that moment, a round of cheers was heard by everyone, from the secret service agents to the civilians who observed the scene and who had remembered Beavis and Butt-head from their escapades on Broadway. Everyone in their group clapped as well, including Daria, Stewart, Van Driessen, Earl, the Burger World Manager, the Stevensons, Cassandra, and even Buzzcut. Even Bill Clinton, Mr. Graham, and McVicker were there as well, showing their appreciation for the duo.

In the midst of the cheering, both Beavis and Butt-head finally realized what was going on. They were more than young metalheads who ate nachos and watched music videos now. They were heroes.

"Beavis, this kicks ass beyond words…" Butt-head said to his friend.

"Yeah, heh heh heh! We're famous now!"

* * *

Highland was everything they remembered. It was a small, quiet town without much economic development. And more importantly, it was home sweet home.

"This trip kicked ass, heh heh!" Beavis was the first to step out of the van. "It rocked!"

"Yeah, huh huh huh."

"I hope you two learned something from this trip," Van Driessen told them.

"Yeah, huh huh," Butt-head told him. "Going on road trips with hippies doesn't suck so much."

"That wasn't exactly what I was looking for, but I'll accept it," Van Driessen conceded.

"Anything else you two are going to do now that you're back home?" asked Daria.

"Uh…." Butt-head struggled to find an answer to her question.

"Um, we're just gonna, like, watch music videos and score with chicks," Beavis answered promptly.

"In that case… I wish you the best of luck," Daria told them.

"I'll be starting college at the University of Virginia in a week," Stewart told them. "I'm really going to miss you guys."

"Yes, and I will be attending the University of California in Los Angeles," Cassandra remarked. "I had a good experience on this trip with you. It's too bad our journey is at an end because I really will miss you guys."

"Yeah, heh heh, and um, you're pretty cool, Cassandra," Beavis returned the gesture.

"I've decided to turn down Agent Flemming's job offer as a secret agent," Buzzcut told them. "From now on, the humble life of a PE Coach is what I prefer."

"I'd wanna be a secret agent man," Butt-head commented. "I'd be like that James Bondage dude and do it with all the chicks!"

"Yeah, heh heh, and I'd be the Man with the Golden Schlong, heh heh heh!"'

"And I've got to get back to my wrestling circuit," the former Burger World Manager told them. "We've got a new show in Madison Square Garden next week."

"Cool, heh heh!" Beavis smiled. "Be sure to kick some ass!"

"Take good care of yourselves, boy," the manager shook hands with Beavis and Butt-head and walked off.

"See you around, Beaver and Buttmunch," Earl gave the duo a painful hug and walked off as well.

Buzzcut did not issue a standard goodbye. Instead, he stood before the duo proudly and looked down at them with his deep, penetrating eyes. Rather than verbally attack them this time, he gave the duo a salute. Beavis and Butt-head looked at each other and then returned the salute to Buzzcut. Seemingly satisfied now, Buzzcut gave the duo a curt nod of acknowledgment and then walked off.

Just as Buzzcut disappeared across the horizon, a panting McVicker ran up to what were the remaining members of the group.

"Huff… huff…" McVicker panted. "I just got here in time. Because of my testimony… the Feds have been able to put away Mr. Candy for good. He'll never threaten you boys again!"

"Uh, okay," Butt-head said.

"I'm here to thank you boys," McVicker told them. "It's thanks to you that I can now live life and not be afraid of my own insecurities. I don't know how I can ever repay that debt that I owe you."

"Um, you can buy us some nachos," suggested Beavis.

"Yeah, and some sodas from Maxi-mart!" Butt-head agreed.

"It's a done deal!" McVicker promised them. "From now on, whenever you boys need anything, just come to me!"

With that being said, McVicker reached forward and gave a big sloppy kiss to both Beavis and Butt-head. Then he walked off humming a tune.

No amount of vocalization could begin to describe the amount of disgust that the pair felt.

"Ugh!" Butt-head grimaced. "Did McVicker just kiss us?"

"Agh!" Beavis spat. "This was worse than that one time Buzzcut gave us mouth-to-mouth! Ack!"

"It can't be that bad," Daria remarked. "At least now you're on good terms with good ol' _McDicker_."

"I have to head off now," Cassandra told them. "Whatever happens in the future, stay true to yourselves."

Cassandra gave both Beavis and Butt-head a hug, followed by a small kiss. Then she too left.

"Whoa, that felt great!" Beavis remarked.

"Yeah, we sure could use more of those!" Butt-head was in agreement.

"Well, I've got to go back home to prepare for UVA," Stewart told them. "I just want you to know that you're my best friends!"

"Yeah, uh, okay," Butt-head said halfheartedly.

"Yeah, best friends… sure," Beavis was apathetic as well to Stewart's enthusiasm.

"See you guys around," Stewart waved to the indifferent duo and then went off on his own.

"Van Driessen's going to drive me back to Lawndale," Daria told the two. "I will say that this trip with you two has been enlightening to say the least."

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Anyways, I'll be heading to the Boston Fine Arts College this September," Daria informed them. "Be sure to keep in touch."

"_Keep in touch_, huh huh huh!"

"I think she wants you, Butt-head," joked Beavis. "Heh heh heh!"

"Oh yeah, you know I do," Daria chuckled, playing along with them.

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh m heh heh!"

"Well guys," Daria high-fived the duo. "All I can say is to keep it real."

"Uh, okay," Butt-head agreed.

"Yeah, heh heh heh."

Daria walked off to the van while Van Driessen came up to have his last few words with the duo.

"I want you two to know that I'm proud of you," Van Driessen told them. "On this trip, you displayed courage and intelligence not many young people your age have."

"Does this mean we can get into whatever college we want?" asked Butt-head.

"Unfortunately, it does not," Van Driessen said. "But on the other hand, you two now have learned enough life lessons to make it on your own. I have full confidence in you now. Be sure to contact me sometime so I can write those letters of recommendations for you."

"Oh yeah, uh, we will," promised Butt-head.

"Yeah, you can, like, count on us, heh heh," Beavis laughed.

Van Driessen gave the two a hug and then drove off in his van with Daria. Now it was just the duo standing there in Highland's suburbs.

"You know something, Butt-head…" Beavis said, feeling something strange in his eyes. "I'm really going to miss those guys…"

Butt-head turned to Beavis just as he heard his companion making a sniffling sound. Before a single tear could come out of Beavis's eyes, Butt-head smacked him across the face, leaving a very painful sting.

"Ow! What the hell was that for, fartknocker!"

"Damn it, Beavis!" chastised Butt-head. "We had to spent a whole summer with those dorks! Don't start turning into a wussy on me now!"

"Oh yeah, heh heh," Beavis snapped back to normal. "Sorry about that…"

"That's better!" Butt-head stated.

"So, um, what'll we do now?"

"Uhhh, we could, like, go to Tom Anderson's place," Butt-head recommended. "I think he has some new lawn gnomes set up."

"Heh heh heh!" Beavis laughed. "Reminds me of that David the Gnome show we used to watch as kids."

"Yeah, then we can use Anderson's tool shed, huh huh huh… _tool_!"

"I think he has a new bushwhacker too, heh heh heh!"

"If we're lucky, he's probably holding a garage sale, huh huh huh!"

"Or he's mowing the lawn, heh heh heh!"

The duo began walking towards the direction of Anderson's house. But before walking out too far, a limousine parked up besides them. The windows rolled down, revealing the face of Christine, the young actress they had met while on Broadway.

"Beavis and Butt-head," she said. "I've been looking all over the country for you."

"Whoa, huh huh!" exclaimed Butt-head. "You did?"

"Yes," Christine acknowledged. "Your actions on-stage proved to be so popular that our manager wants to offer you two a job on Broadway."

"Um, what kind of job?" asked Beavis.

"For starters," Christine told them. "How do you like the prospect of starring in your own play… _The Great Cornholio_?"

"Whoa!" Beavis exclaimed. "This is everything I wanted and more!"

"Yeah, we need to hook up with his new job!" Butt-head concurred.

"Step inside and your lives will be forever changed," Christine opened up the door. The duo immediately stepped in.

"This is it, Butt-head!" Beavis said excitedly. "We've made it to the big times, heh heh heh!"

"Beavis…" Butt-head looked at his companion with an equal amount of anticipation. "Let the good times roll!"

* * *

"In you go!" the warden pushed Todd inside the jail cell.

"Sonuvabitch…" muttered Todd.

Again, he had been humiliated by Stewart Stevenson. And worse yet, he didn't get to kill Beavis and Butt-head like he had anticipated doing all along.

"Well, well, well… look what the cat dragged in…"

"Oh shit…" Todd immediately recognized the voice.

"Hey there, sweety," Harry Sachz crooned. "I've missed ya!"

"Back off, man…" Todd said, trying not to let the fear betray his voice.

"What's wrong?" Harry Sachz asked. "Why ain't you greeting your hubby the right way?"

"Look," Todd tried to bargain his way out of this. "You don't screw with me and I won't screw with you."

"Oh, it's a little too late to be saying that," Harry Sachz revealed a toothy smile. "Not after all we've been through together!"

"Whaddya want?" demanded Todd.

Harry Sachz revealed a dirtied up wedding dress he had in his hands.

"You're gonna be wearing this from now on," grinned Harry Sachz. "To show them other boys that you're MY wife in this neck of the woods!"

"Hell no!" yelled Todd.

Immediately, Harry Sachz grabbed Todd by the neck and slammed him against the prison cell.

"You'll wear this or else!" Harry spat in Todd's face viciously.

"Yes dear…" Todd croaked.

_The End._

**Author's Note:** This is NOT the last chapter. There will be a final epilogue chapter. Thanks to everyone who's been enjoying this story from Mr. Gopher to DrucillaBlack. Please R&R and I hope you all enjoy the final ending to this story that'll be coming up later. Oh yeah, and kudos to anyone who finds the Billy Madison references I had in this story.


	23. Epilogue

**Coming of Age**

_Epilogue_

_Four years later…_

"I've done a thorough check, sirs," the limo driver said. "This is the place."

"Um, thanks, heh heh heh."

"Yeah, huh huh, you're gonna, like, get a raise or something."

"Thank you," the limo driver nodded graciously.

The limousine door opened to reveal two young men dressed in impeccable clothing and lined with stylish haircuts. The taller one with brown hair walked out first, soon followed by his blonde companion. They stepped inside the hotel lobby and checked in their names to get their keys.

"So, um, why are we here again, Butt-head?" asked Beavis. Though he was dressed more elegantly than before, he was still the same person deep down inside.

"Uh, I think we're here for some kind of reunion," Butt-head told him.

"Oh yeah, heh heh, I forgot."

"Some of those dudes must be old by now!"

"Yeah, especially McVicker, heh heh heh!"

"Say, aren't you two the main characters from _The Great Cornholio_?" asked one of the busboys in the hotel.

"Yeah, heh heh…"

"Wow, I can't believe it's Beavis and Butt-head!" the busboy exclaimed. "I've gotten your entire play on DVD with all the extras!"

"Cool, huh huh huh."

"Yeah, heh heh, would you like an autograph or something?"

"Oh would I?" the busboy took out a pen and piece of paper.

"Here you go, heh heh," Beavis signed it, then followed by Butt-head.

"Thanks guys!" their busboy told them and handed them their key. "Your room is upstairs on the third floor!"

"Being famous is cool!" Butt-head declared.

* * *

"Hello sir," the limo driver pulled up besides an elderly man working on his lawn. "You wouldn't happen to know where Highland High is, would you?"

"Well shucks," Tom Anderson scratched his head. "I do believe it's a few blocks down and then you turn to the right."

"I see, thank you very much for your time," the driver nodded.

"You wouldn't happen to have kids there, would you?"

"No sir," the driver shook his head. "I'm bringing two people there for their high school reunion."

Beavis and Butt-head stepped out to greet Tom Anderson.

"Hey, how's it going?" asked Beavis.

"Mighty fine, and how about you, young man?" Mr. Anderson nodded.

"Uh, we're good," Butt-head replied. "Huh huh huh."

"Is this your lawn, sir?" asked Beavis. "Heh heh…"

"Why, it sure it!" Anderson puffed up his chest proudly. "I've built and cultivated it myself after four years of peace and prosperity!"

"Cool, heh heh heh."

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"A while back, there were two young hooligans who would make life hard for me," Anderson told them. "They weren't like you boys, all well-behaved and whatnot. They were pure demons from hell who'd ruin my lawn every chance they'd get!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh!"

"After a while, they just vanished," Anderson informed them. "Life's been a lot easier for me since."

"Um, what do you think happened to them, sir?" asked Beavis.

"Well, I imagine they moved to another town or given up their hooligan ways finally," Anderson replied. "In any case, I don't think I have to worry about them at this point."

"Okay, huh huh huh."

"Anyways, I gotta head back in now," Anderson told them. "You boys take care of yourselves, ya hear?"

"Um, thank you for your concern," Beavis smiled. "Heh heh heh!"

"Yeah, have a good day or something," Butt-head chuckled. "Huh huh huh."

After Anderson walked inside, the duo took notice of his tractor which was still lying outside.

"Check this out, Beavis," Butt-head got on. "I wonder if this still works."

"Whoa, the key's still inside, heh heh!" exclaimed Beavis. "Turn it on! Turn it on! Vroom, vroom! Heh heh heh heh heh!"

Doing as he was told, Butt-head switched on the engines immediately. The engines sputtered on and slammed both itself and its riders into the side of Anderson's house due to Butt-head's foot being on the brakes. The tractor had demolished a sizable portion of the wall from the looks of it.

"What in tarnation was that?" Anderson's angry voice was heard from inside.

"Um, I think we'd better get outta here, Butt-head," Beavis recommended.

"Good idea, Beavis, huh huh huh…"

* * *

The hallways of Highland High were already bustling with people from all corners of the States. Most of them were coming back to celebrate their high school reunion. A few of them, however, were also coming back to celebrate a reunion of other sorts. It was to commemorate the special four year anniversary of a summer trip that had led to the foundation of firm friendships and spaced out adventures.

"Do you believe Beavis and Butt-head will arrive soon?" Van Driessen asked Buzzcut.

"Hell if I know," Buzzcut cross his arms.

Neither of the men had changed much in the four years that had gone by. Buzzcut was still clad in his usual gym wear while Van Driessen was still dressed up in the same hippie clothing he had before.

"I can't wait to see them," Dean walked up to the two teachers. "I got backstage tickets for their next show in London."

"I will say, I never thought they would embark on this unexpected career path," admitted Van Driessen.

"Well, it may not be as high of a priority as serving your country," Buzzcut conceded. "But at least they're doing something with their lives."

Just then, a limousine pulled over. The doors opened up and Beavis and Butt-head stepped out. Both Van Dreissen and Buzzcut were surprised at how they still looked the same as before with relatively few, if any, changes for their physical characteristics.

"Hmm, I thought for sure two internationally recognized actors would dress up a little more… informally for this reunion," Van Driessen whispered to Buzzcut.

"Who knows," Buzzcut whispered back. "Maybe it's their off season."

"Uh, hey," Butt-head greeted them.

"Beavis and Butt-head!" Dean exclaimed. "It's great to see you guys again! How's life?"

"Pretty good, heh heh heh," Beavis smiled.

"How did it feel being the Great Cornholio for four years?" asked Dean.

"Um, who?" asked Beavis. He was still in the dark regarding his Great Cornholio personality which surfaced during every show when he had too much coffee or sweets.

"I think he's talking about that dude you play, Beavis," Butt-head informed.

"Oh yeah, heh heh, that dude."

"Want to come inside?" Van Driessen opened the door. "We have both faculty and students who are eager to see you.

"Sure, huh huh huh."

* * *

"Whoa, it's Beavis and Butt-head!"

"It's really them!"

"They're back!"

A crowd of students gathered around the duo soon after they entered into the gymnasium where everyone was. Even students who had previously been disgusted by the pair's antics during high school, including Kimberly and Tommy, went up.

"Being famous rules!" Butt-head said.

After signing enough autographs for the crowd, the furor died down and everybody went back to socializing with everyone else.

"Hey dudes," Earl walked up to them.

"Uh, hey Earl," Butt-head greeted.

In the past four years, Earl had also changed greatly. Gone were his former gang clothing and piercings. He now looked much better dressed and respectable. He had also shaved his goatee and gotten rid of his beard in favor of a clean-shaven face. There was no doubt that he was no longer the rough and violent young man he had been in the past.

"Look at you two," Earl pointed out. "Been traveling across the world, huh?"

"Yeah, heh heh, those chicks in France rule!" Beavis agreed.

"Uh, what've you been up to, Earl?" asked Butt-head.

"I've been getting my degree in engineering," Earl told them. "It's taken me a while but I think I should be able to graduate by next year."

"Whoa, I can't believe it's you guys!" a deep voice from behind them announced.

"Uh, who's that?" Beavis turned around.

Within their line of sight was a tall, blonde man with a baseball cape worn slightly tiled over his head. He wore a pink polo shirt and standard khaki shorts. He was also taller than the duo as well, with a well-chiseled face and a muscular body that had been honed to perfection within the last four years.

"Aw come on," the deep voice echoed. "You guys don't remember me?"

"Uh, no," Butt-head admitted.

"It's me, Stewart!" the man said.

"Did he just say his name was Stewart?" Beavis asked Butt-head.

"He doesn't look like Stewart," Butt-head responded skeptically.

"It really is me, guys," Stewart told them. "I know I look a little different now but I've been working out a lot in the past few years. Besides, I also went through a late growth spurt in college."

"Oh, uh, okay…" Butt-head said uneasily, well aware that Stewart was now at a point where he could pound him in if he truly wanted to.

"Yeah and um… nice hat or something," Beavis said, apparently feeling the same way.

"Thanks guys," Stewart put his arms around both of them with a vice-like hug. "It's great seeing you again!"

"Yeah… great," Beavis said, feeling the pressure.

"You guys wanna come to my place after this for some beer?" offered Stewart.

"Did he just say beer?" Butt-head's eyes lit up.

"Yeah, we're up to it!" Beavis agreed.

"Sure, huh huh huh!"

"Well, I've got some catching up to do," Stewart told them. "I'll meet you guys after the reunion."

"I see you've already met Stewart," a female voice was there to greet them.

Cassandra was dressed differently than before. Her hair was now tied into a ponytail and she wore a tye-dye t-shirt with a symbol of peace on it. She no longer wore her old Doc Martin's boots but now her footwear consisted on green tennis shoes.

"Hey," Butt-head waved.

"How's it going?" asked Beavis.

"So you've finally found your calling in life?" Cassandra inquired. "I've watched some of your plays and found them mesmerizing."

"Yeah, Broadway is kickass!" Butt-head agreed.

"Have you seen anyone else?" asked Cassandra.

"We've seen Earl, huh huh."

"Um, we've also seen Buzzcut and Van Driessen," Beavis told her. "They still look like wussies, heh heh heh."

"Yeah, especially Van Driessen!" Butt-head concurred.

"Mr. Van Driessen and Coach Buzzcut are still teaching here, I believe," Cassandra pointed out.

"So, like, was that really Stewart?" asked a still-incredulous Beavis.

"Yes, he and I have kept up with each other on email," Cassandra nodded. "He really has been working out and coming out of his shell."

"Uh, that's nice," Butt-head said. "I think…"

"Beavis and Butt-head!" another voice called out. "Great to see you guys again!"

The former Burger World manager, Mr. Graham, and the Positive Acting Teens had shown up for the reunion as well. Stewart's parents were there as well, although this time they were not here to baby Stewart.

"How are you dears doing?" asked Mrs. Stevenson.

"Uh, we're doing good, ma'am," Butt-head replied.

"How ha doing, Beavis?" Mr. Stevenson gave Beavis an unwelcome hug.

"Um… good, I think."

"You two have been a great influence on the Positive Acting Teens," Mr. Graham told them. "We're hosting a special school play based on some of your performances on Broadway."

"Cool, heh heh heh."

"Huh huh huh."

Then they noticed the championship belt slung over their former manager's shoulders.

"Whoa, what is that?" asked Butt-head.

"It's my World Heavyweight Championship title, boys," the former manager told them.

"Cool, heh heh! The Amazing Mucho kicks ass!" Beavis declared.

"Actually," the ex-manager replied. "My persona isn't the Amazing Mucho anymore. I'm now known as The Grill."

"Oh yeah, huh huh," Butt-head chuckled. "I remember seeing your new name once during a Pay Per View."

"Could you, like, perform some cool stuff for us?" requested Beavis.

"Sure thing," the ex-manager grabbed on to a school microphone.

"This kicks ass," announced Butt-head.

"LISTEN UP GUYS!" The Grill shouted into his microphone. "THIS MATCH AIN'T OVER 'TILL IT'S OVER! BECAUSE WHEN THE CLOCK STRIKES TWELVE, THERE AIN'T NO WHERE YOU CAN GO AND NO WHERE YOU CAN HIDE… IF YA SMEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLL… WHAT THE GRILL… IS… COOKING!"

"We need to watch wrestling more often, Butt-head," Beavis said to his companion.

"Yeah, what time does it come on again?" Butt-head nodded.

"Um… I think it comes on during Thursday nights or something."

"Okay, huh huh."

"Beavis and Butt-head," Coach Buzzcut came up to the duo.

"Um, yes?"

"We have a special somebody who'd like to see you today," Van Driessen informed them.

* * *

"Hey there," Daria waved to the two just as they neared the teacher's lounge.

She was dressed differently with a white office dress and a black skirt. Her hairstyle was combed a bit more elegantly before but otherwise, it was still the same. The characteristic eyeglasses that garnished her face were still there.

"Hey Daria," Butt-head waved.

"How's it going?" asked Beavis.

"Pretty good, and yourselves?" Daria smiled.

"We've been around the block, huh huh huh!" joked Butt-head.

"Aren't you, like, some kind of writer now?" asked Beavis.

"Yes, a novelist in fact," said Daria. "I'm on my third book now, _Beavis Butterneck and the Fields of the Nephilim_."

"Which is pretty good reading as a matter of fact," Van Driessen caught up with them. "I've recommended it for several of my freshman students. I suppose it's safe to say it's based off a certain pair of students we both know?"

"Got it on the first try," Daria acknowledged.

"Once you're done talking with Daria, just come down this route to Room 332," Van Driessen told the duo. "He's very eager to see you two."

"So, where have you two been in the past four years?" asked Daria.

"Um, all over the place?" Beavis scratched his head.

"I've seen some of your brochures," she told them. "There's London, Tokyo, Paris, Shanghai, Hong Kong, Berlin, Moscow, Bangkok, Amsterdam, New York, Los Angeles, Mexico City, and a few more places I forgot about."

"_Bang cock_… huh huh huh!" Butt-head laughed, completely misinterpreting Bangkok's name.

"Yeah, those girls in Paris are sluts, heh heh!"

"That's good to hear," Daria told them.

"Hey!" another, more cheery voice called out. "Oh my God! Is that really THE Beavis and Butt-head?"

"The ones and only," Daria reminded her younger sister.

The young woman who stood before Beavis and Butt-head was a strikingly beautiful redhead in a pink sweater and blue jeans.

"Oh wow!" Quinn came up to Beavis and Butt-head excitedly. "I've always wanted to go to one of your shows but I never got the chance!"

"Whoa, Beavis!" Butt-head commented on Quinn. "Who is this chick?"

"I dunno, Butt-head…" croaked Beavis. "But I'm feeling a stiffy coming on, heh heh heh!"

"This is Quinn, my younger sister," Daria told them.

"Uh, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"Heh heh heh heh heh heh!"

"I knew you guys would get along great," remarked Daria.

"Um, is that really your sister?" Beavis whispered to Daria.

"Wanna see the DNA test?" offered Daria.

"So how do you prepare for the role of the Great Cornholio?" Quinn asked Beavis.

"Well, um… I, like, eat right or something," Beavis said nervously.

"The consumption of high amounts of sugar wouldn't be involved, would it?" Daria joked.

"Yeah, huh huh!" Butt-head laughed. "Beavis eats that before every show!"

"So you think I could hang out with you two backstage sometime?" asked Quinn. "I'm sure we have soooo much to talk about!"

Before Beavis and Butt-head could respond the proper way, Van Driessen came up to the duo again.

"Mr. McVicker is ready to see you now," he told them.

* * *

"Now remember," Van Driessen told the duo as they neared the door to the lounge. "Mr. McVicker is no longer as… spry as he used to be. In fact, he now resides at a home for elderly people."

"So remember to be respectful at all times!" Buzzcut ordered the duo.

"Yes, and I feel it's also important to tell you that Mr. McVicker is no longer able to walk on his own anymore. He requires the use of a wheelchair to get around these days. So please be careful not to raise his blood temperature or to upset him in any way."

"Okay, huh huh."

"Yeah, we'll be good, heh heh heh…"

Buzzcut opened the door and let the two boys in.

Sitting in a wheelchair was an infirm old man who looked as if the years had not treated him well. But as soon as McVicker saw the two boys again, his face shone again as if life had returned to his veins. Duly noted by the duo, the final hair on his head was now gone and he was completely bald. His eyes looked a bit droopier than before as well, most likely a sign of him having aged more in the past four years.

To his right was also a walking stick. Apparently, McVicker did have moments where he could walk, but only with the aid of his stick.

"Uhhhh, Beavis and Butt-head," McVicker adjusted his glasses.

"Hey, how's it going?" Beavis waved.

"It's been such a long time," McVicker said. "Seems like yesterday when we last talked."

"Whoa Beavis, do you see how old McVicker is?" Butt-head asked.

"Yeah, heh heh. I bet he needs diapers for old people, heh heh heh!"

"Huh huh huh huh huh!"

McVicker coughed a little bit then he surveyed the duo's faces intently.

"When I see the two of you, I think back to all those times you've raised hell for me…" McVicker told them.

Beavis and Butt-head looked at each other. There were just so many moments of those that they had lost track of all the times they made McVicker's life a living hell.

"But then I think back to the wondrous thing you did," McVicker said softly. "I remember how you two saved my life and gave me a new purpose to look forward to."

"We actually helped McVicker?" Beavis questioned Butt-head.

Butt-head only shrugged.

"I'm older than before," McVicker said softly. "I have to rely on my cane and my wheelchair now… but I'll also be honest, I've never been happier than ever before in my life. And it's all thanks to you good kids."

"Hey Butt-head, is there a radio in here?" asked Beavis as McVicker combined rambling nonsensically.

"Uh, there's over there," Butt-head pointed to a nearby stereo.

"And then I remember the time when Beavis came over to my office after consuming extreme loads of candy," McVicker continued his story.

Beavis went over to the radio and turned it on. He flipped through a few dials until finally he came to a station that played an Iron Maiden song.

"Whoa, this kicks ass!" Beavis declared.

"Turn it up louder, Beavis," ordered Butt-head.

"Um okay, heh heh heh!"

"YOU'VE LIVED FOR THE TOUCH, FOR THE FEEL OF THE STEEL! ONE MAN… AND HIS HONOUR!"

"Aaaaahhhhh!" McVicker covered his ears. "What the hell are you doing?"

"We're partying, huh huh huh!" Butt-head began headbanging.

McVicker howled in displeasure as a strange feeling began overwhelming him from within. He looked at Beavis and Butt-head standing there and headbanging like nothing was wrong. The loud and heavy music was now grating on the last nerve he had in his system…

"This song kicks ass!" Butt-head declared.

"Yeah, heh heh! It rules!"

"You… You… l-l-little… BASTARDS!" McVicker howled.

Bolting upright, McVicker sprang onto his two feet without any aid from his cane.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" McVicker screamed.

"Whoa, McVicker can walk again?" Butt-head was shocked. Beavis stopped and stared as well.

"I SHOULD'VE KILLED YOU WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!" McVicker grabbed on to his cane.

Both Beavis and Butt-head had to snap out of their surprise as McVicker swung the cane directly at their heads. They ducked it and McVicker smashed open a goldfish bowl lying on the table.

"I'll get you little b-b-bastards!" McVicker raved like a madman.

"Um, are you okay?" Beavis asked. "Heh heh heh."

"DIE!"

Beavis and Butt-head dodged another blow and ran out the door with McVicker running after them.

* * *

"Hey Daria," Stewart went up to his old friend. "How's the third Beavis Butterneck book coming up?"

"I'm about a third of the way through," Daria told him. "It should be done sometime in the spring."

"YOU LITTLE BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU!" a loud voice was heard from the hallways.

Beavis and Butt-head ran out and squeezed past the crowd. Soon enough, McVicker was there as well, with his cane in his hand, shouting and cursing angrily. By some strange miracle of nature, he was able to walk again. And more than just that, he was chasing after Beavis and Butt-head with his own two legs. Everyone, including the Grill, the Stevensons, Stewart, Daria, Quinn, Cassandra, and all the teachers stopped to look.

"H-How is he able to do that?" Van Driessen looked at McVicker chasing the duo towards the exit.

"Stamina," Buzzcut cross his arms. "It's gotta be the stamina."

"Think we should go after them?" asked the Grill.

"Nah, let McVicker blow off some steam," Daria suggested.

"I sure hope Beavis and Butt-head'll be alright," Stewart scratched his head.

"They'll be alright," Daria reassured the group. "They're fast runners."

"Oh no!" Quinn cried as Beavis and Butt-head ran out the exit. "I didn't even get their autographs!"

"Better hurry up," Stewart told her. "They could be out of town before you know it."

"Okay!" Quinn hurried off after the duo.

"Go get 'em, tiger," Daria encouraged her younger sister.

"Um, hey Butt-head," Beavis asked as the duo ran into the sunset. "Remind me why is McVicker chasing us again?"

"Uh, I dunno," Butt-head was straightforward. "I think he's, like, senile or something."

"Oh yeah, heh heh, or maybe his grandpa diapers broke, heh heh heh heh heh!"

"You're pretty funny, Beavis, huh huh huh huh huh!"

"I'll kill you!" McVicker shouted after the duo as they ran up the hill.

"Hey guys, wait up!" Quinn shouted as she trailed them from behind McVicker.

"Hey Beavis, that chick is coming for us, huh huh! Come to Butt-head!"

"Um, I think we have to ditch McVicker first…"

"Uh, oh yeah… this sucks!"

"Get back here, you little bastards!" McVicker shouted after them.

"Can I have backstage passes for your next show?" Quinn called.

"Uh, okay!" Butt-head called back to Quinn.

"Come down here so I can flay you!" McVicker ran after the duo with all his might.

"No way, McDicker!" Beavis shouted back. "Go back to your crib and play with your sucker!"

"Yeah, and have someone change your diaper too!" Butt-head added.

"I'll hogtie you and run you over!" threatened McVicker.

"Oh, and do you guys think you can show me a cool night in whatever town you go to next?" Quinn called to them.

"Uh okay…" Butt-head ran down the old neighborhood he and Beavis used to live in. "Just as soon as we ditch McDicker…"

"Um, how do we do that?" asked Beavis.

"Whoa!" Butt-head cried as McVicker's walking stick sailed past his head. "I dunno, but let's get away from him first!"

"Yeah, heh heh, then we can talk to that chick."

"Beavis, you just read my mind, huh huh huh."

"Wait up," Quinn called out again. "Can I see what your limo looks like?"

"Hey Butt-head, how do you think that chick is Daria's sister?"

"Uh… maybe she got the good side of her family?"

"We have to invite her to our next show, heh heh!"

"Yeah, we really do!"

"Hey Butt-head, think we should invite McVicker as well?"

"Beavis you dumbass! Don't even think about it!"

"Oh sorry, heh heh heh!"

Running together side by side, the duo continued sprinting off into the horizon as McVicker and Quinn chased them. And in this case, both pursuers wanted to get their hands on Beavis and Butt-head for entirely different reasons indeed.

_The End._

**A/N: **This is it, guys. The story's officially over. I decided to do this epilogue to add a decidedly "happier" ending for Beavis and Butt-head, showing that they can indeed move forward in life. On the flip side, however, their personalities have changed very little, if any at all. And that was the whole theme of my story to begin with. For a story titled "Coming of Age," I wanted to have it where change occurs in the lives of Beavis and Butt-head and the people surrounding them but the duo themselves don't really change or mature at all, despite all they go through. I've also decided to leave some things open-ended as well for this final chapter. Have Beavis and Butt-head really scored in the four years leading up to this epilogue? Is McVicker really as senile and as weak as he is now because of what the duo did to him? How did Stewart finally grow a backbone? Will Daria's Beavis Butterneck series become the next Chronicles of Narnia? Will the former Burger World manager become a longer reigning World Champion than The Rock? Will Quinn finally end up with Beavis or with Butt-head? These are all questions that I'll leave up to you, the reader, to decide. But for here and now, the story is over and I believe it's good to end it on a good note while it's still going strong. I'd like to thank all the people who have been reviewing this story, including Drucilla Black, Mr. Gopher, and KingdomKey. Thanks, everyone! I sincerely hope you enjoyed the story. It's been a hell of a ride but all good things must come to an end. I suppose from this point on, I'll continue my B&B parodies story with a Harry Potter and Chronicles of Narnia parody so this definitely won't be the end of me writing Beavis and Butt-head stories. Like Butt-head said in a previous chapter, let the good times roll.


End file.
